zara. e

and it is difficult

i am not one to surrender

i am a war hero

and a riot

i do not know how to surrender

i am suspicious

of all things

and all intentions

i am not as free

as i claim to be

to live in the cold place

light myself a fire in the corner

warm my hands

chant

and be happy

am i a mystery

or am i difficult?

i don’t know your warmth

i am disturbed by it

no, i am pleased

or some restful place

in between

i climb and climb

only to find

myself at the top

flighty and free

the wind chilling me

rocking me out of place

and if i look at the base

i’m aware

of my tallness

of my intimidation

and the way i feel unsteady

suddenly

and how the chill is

actually really cold

and i am alone

does she share her fire?

does she even keep

enough to spare?

can she hold your air?

does she pull you,

call to you?

do you dream of her,

like you dream of me?

can you fall with her?

would she catch you?

i would catch you

excuse my transgression

but can she raise you to heaven?

rise with you?

for you?

would she burn down

the enemies that follow?

can she foresee?

be your apollo?

tinted with a darkness

as we all do

but you find habitation in it

you crawl into its innards

and lay your head

you say, this is where i sleep now

do not disturb my rest

i’ll lay with you,

if that’s what you need

i’ll sleep close

and tell you of your shine

repeat and repeat the lines

until you can crawl your way out

or at least see the outside

speak to me, tell me of your wars

why you hesitate before each step

have you ever known leaping?

tell me why

you pull things so close

until you know they'll stay

then push them away

did they make your home too warm?

you must like a touch of cold

to stay awake

but i,

will stay

i will crouch between

your eyebrows; in the lines on your palms

shouting pretty things

to your ear, to the sky

tell me why

you mean so much to me?

tell me how

can i protect your mind

and your heart

at the same time?

and how

can i protect mine?

i knew death five times over

how it curls its fingers with yours

how it whispers to you,

too calm not to be cruel

and i know anger

i know its eagerness

to rest in my face

in the creases between my brows

and in my pout

i knew hope

hope that when i rose again

i'd be more cunning this time

intuitive, sharp in my prevention

of raw feeling

then i met you

now i want to know love

i want to know why my breath

catches in my chest

when you're near

i want to know why

my thighs remember you

and ask for you in the night

why i shake

when i'm scared you'll be leaving me

why i cry

when you've been absent too long

i knew hate

i knew distrust

and even lively bliss

but now all i want

is to know you

and all you know

and all god knows about us

all the earth

and bubbling fire in its core knows

what the wind holds secret

and what truths

seep out of you with your sweat

and saliva

and how can i learn it all

to keep you close?

i am forest fire

you can't put me out

when i want to stay ablaze

i'll light everything around me

the way we pass cigarettes

he is cool tones

he keeps me sane

he is cool too

i never feel tamed

he likes it that way

i can be cool tones too

on my underbelly

under glass slides,

pulled up under skin and sides

he can be red fire too

after a beer or two

sex in the bar bathroom

i am so into him

i want only the divinity of it

the sugar of it

the sick sweetness of it, of him

i kiss the tip

a small kiss

to say i love you

or i want to

i feel it shake under my lips

it makes me hiss

it tells me

you feel it too

i should have known it

it was too deep a blue

my pulse was too fast

i should have known it

so you'll part, for awhile, you said

and i'll sink into space and time

until you come for me

reaching through galaxies

arms stretched long for me

saying, i miss you and i need you and i'm sorry i let you sink

but maybe you'll part, for awhile

but not like you said

i become a memory

an almost

she is blonde warmth and denim soul she is the beams through the window and the glow that settles on its pane she feels human, sane maybe more than she is slow sways to soft beats i can tell she is long days in cafes and tender kisses but uncompromising when she needs you i can tell