BURNING MAN HATE WEEK

Derrick Landon aka the Playa “MILF Milker” roams the campgrounds in the outer rings between Vegan Breath and 2:30 looking for RV doors ajar where he can spot middle-aged dust bunnies looking to play a little hide the hacky sack if ya know what he means.  Derrick has been burning since ‘14 when he turned 18 and hasn’t once bought a ticket, a meal, or a ride or showered.  While his zero contribution game is admired by fellow Burner gigolos “Titty Suckler” and “Starlight Mommy’s Boy,” some of those more radically self-reliant feel he may be taking advantage of these campsite cougars. To that he responds, “Hey man, ya know, these ladies, they just like straight need love too - I don’t care if they're married, just had neck lipo or like need to cry.  I’m not gonna be the one to turn it away ya know - there are guys like me lining up for a free bed.  Also, they get like that raw lit sass from Laguna Beach and they don’t mind sharing with a guy like me.”  Burn strong this year, young Milf Milker, those thong panties may one day be outgrown.  

It takes all kinds. While his beliefs may not be widely accepted in what is often perceived as a highly progressive community, Fred Hairy insists that he and his Proud Toys crew's "alt-right on" model of men's rights activism has a place in Black Rock City. "A lot of the guys here are angry and need a place to vent. I mean, how come women get free bumps of Happy Daze blow over at the Blizzard of Oz tent while the rest of us swinging dicks are left out? And don't even get me started on the dance floor attention that I'm lacking. As far as I'm concerned, the right to party is being subversively taken from us as part of a larger feminist conspiracy that's going on all over The Playa. I can't tell you how many tears have been shed in our group therapy cry offs. It's time to bring a stop to the suffering and make burning great again." Whether you're with him or not, Fred and his furry band of brave patriots can be easily identified via their trademark stuffed animal covered pants and bare chests. They can be found on the city's outskirts in a five person Walmart tent surrounded by a massive thirty foot wall composed solely of repurposed Kid Rock cardboard cutouts. #burningmanhateweek #burningman

A mere thirty minutes prior to this photo being captured, McKenzie Graham of Rancho Palos Verdes, CA was spotted blissfully rolling around with her hula hoop in the compost dump behind the EDeMinem trip hop tent repeatedly screaming "living my best life," when she began to vomit and defecate violently, simultaneously, and without warning. The cause of her condition has been attributed to a dangerous yet allegedly euphoric combination of ketamine, mango wine coolers, free-range sage, and an estimated 36 hours of nonstop raving. Fortunately, McKenzie's campmates rushed her back to her luxury quarters at the aptly named Motel Siqx, where she passed out promptly. Although we remain hopeful for a speedy recovery, dehydration, shame, and the sun-cure human jerky process may claim this radiant soul from among our midst. Please everyone, we need your thoughts and prayers. #savemckenzie

This is the story of six humans who enter the Playa as complete strangers but leave as lifelong friends (who will never see each other again). Over the next week they will embark on a cerebral journey stretching both their minds and Daddy’s credit cards as they learn about radical inclusion, radical self-expression, flavored body paint, self-service cults, and much more. Don’t miss ‘Molly & the Mollies,’ coming to a theater near you! #burningmanhateweek2018 #burningman2018 #spicedgirls

Stewart Hampton, whose Babylonian job titles include aspiring Instagram model and posi-vibe intern at Sproutz, an up-and-coming venture capitalist firm specializing in the growth of the online cannabis industry, goes by The Jahbbit whilst in true self form on The Playa. You can find him lecturing on the flaws of materialism, pedaling herb, and playing soulful ukulele renditions of his favorite Pepper and Slightly Stoopid songs at his renowned Lord of the Tings tent, located in the 4:20 and Esplanade sector of Black Rock. Recommended strains are Dragon's Pubes, Shire Fire, My Precious, and Orc Crippler. If your cash flow is low, don't fret: The Jahbbit prefers bartering, and word is nutritional yeast, DMT, UB40 bootlegs, twelve-sided die, and erotic hemp oil massages are currently yielding high returns. Stop on by for a toke n' poke and jam session at your iriest convenience.

TFW you underestimated how much 5-HTP you would need, so now you have to raw-dog those comedowns. #poorthing #burningman2016

Big ups to Burning Man for generating one of the most cringeworthy sub-cultures to emerge in recent years. Feast your eyes, ladies and gentlemen, on "The Crust Fund Kid". #burningman2016 #brc #heinous #burningmanhateweek2016

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Lentil C. Cyprus of the Black Rocker wrote of the film, “Russell, as a modern day Ulysses, is utterly inspired. Such persecution has never been so flawlessly portrayed on the big screen as when he is forced to explain the raw food movement to an unsympathetic Truckee waitress. This film is pure Amethyst. A must.” Also starring Paris Hilton. #burningmanhateweek2016 #blackrockcity #parishilton #citizensforaculturedplaya #burningman2016

Moose was last seen ransacking a Red Box DVD dispensing unit with his homemade broadsword and then demanding mead wine for his men at a nearby TGI Fridays. If you see this man, please keep your distance and alert the authorities. He is considered to be intoxicated, dangerous, and extremely annoying.

With a Future Islands song in her heart and her front camera deployed, this truth seeking Etsy saleswoman attempts to "commune" with the still unidentified signal discovered by SETI earlier this week. Or, she's so intent on making sure her lips are correctly pursed, she forgot that a peace sign only requires two fingers. Or that she's wearing a bandana. Threace on earth to you too, dipshit. #wealthie #occamsrazor #burningman #brc #burningmanhateweek2016 #doyouthinkthealiensknowwhatafaceswapis

Prepping for Da Burn Dustin didn't have time to fully grow his dreads out for the burn 2016, but luckily his camp mates at Da Playa Ground hooked him up at the Walmart in Reno before he ran into any other aspiring rude boyz.

Just looking at this guy brings me the same levels of discomfort as conceptualizing a ménage à trois with my parents. #burningman #nofurtherhastags

Artist Spotlight: After suffering a few lineup changes and a hefty decline in public desire for Nü-Metal acts throughout the early 00,s, the members of Powerman 5000 have undergone an ayahuasca charged recalibration and are ready to bring their take on Mountain Dew commercial music to the dusty flats this year. They will be performing their 1999 hit single, "When Worlds Collide", in its entirety tonight for an aching audience of high concept, yet ill-conceived, cosplayers and House-Goths at the 9-Energies camp, 11:30 PM. Pre-sale tickets do not exist, because no one gives a shit. #BurningMan #burningmanhateweek2016 #burningman5000 #burningmanhateweek #burningman2016 #brc

Smooth-E and his homie DJ Keen-Wah have been dominating the tech bus rap battle scene for years. Hailing from the hard streets of Pleasanton, CA, the dynamic duo has become infamous for spitting lines like, “Matching wealth with health / fresh honey from the hive / LSD trippin’ green juice sippin’ / reppin’ 925 / stackin’ stocks on the block and makin’ yoga bitches shout / if haters gotta conflict, we gonna hug it out / smoke crucial crippler / farm to lungs, yo / sticky organics / non-GMO, bro /.” This year, as first time playa rhyme surgeons, they’re confident that once they drop “dat lubby dubby, eco-friendly, ultra-posi hippity hop fire” on any frothing, faux fur clad party goer that’s willing to listen, a major league deal on Big Time Records inc. is just around the corner….

Paris Hilton, known as “Paris is Burning” on the Playa, is an American businesswoman, socialite, television personality, model, actress, singer, DJ, author and an excellent representative of what it means to be wealthy enough to be an radically self-expressive in standard-issue goggles and fun fur.