Burnedbyfiremixtape

So it’s been a few days now since I came out to my mum, and frankly yesterday was an excellent day. I got to actually have important conversations with women in my life about the sort of shit I should expect, I got to come out to one of my closest friends who was super chill which really put me at ease, and I had a good discussion late into the evening that left me feeling real fucking good.

Now it is today, and it’s gone way way way downhill.

I woke up to the wonderful news that it’s going to be harder to be trans thanks to the government again, which made me have a big wave of dysphoria I did not like. Then my WiFi on my computer broke completely which is fucking fantastic when it’s your only way to do any fucking work. And finally this evenings happened, which has felt really fucking bad.

My Mum was questioning whether I was sure it was actually being trans or whether it was something else.

Now, as somebody with also social anxiety, I was superbly fucking relieved at her originally positive stance. I’d been stressing like fuck over this and it felt good to finally tell her. This basically undid all of that and told me “she doesn’t believe you”. Which doesn’t feel fucking good.

I am certain that this is what I want from my life. The evidence I have makes me certain this is what I want. This is my Mum thinking I’m lying for attention or some shit and it honestly really hurts, because she’s probably the person I value the opinion of most right now, and for her to doubt me feels like she’s disregarding how I feel. It’s almost betraying to me and just makes me feel super depressed. Like all the stress that I had put aside because I thought it was fine suddenly and unexpectedly came back and it’s overwhelming. It’s like I prepared for the worst case scenario, thought it was confirmed that it wasn’t ever going to happen, and suddenly it did with no warning.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to figure out how I would tell everybody in my life that I am trans. And the one who was causing me the second biggest amount of stress, my Mum, I got out of the way today.

I have social anxiety, and as part of the way I deal with stuff like this, where I want and need to say something that’s freaking me the fuck out, I usually do through email, sent at a specific time I know the recipient will not be aware for, meaning I can send it and then not expect a response for at least a few hours. It’s a brilliant system and if you need to say something that you’re afraid about try it, once you send it you can’t take it back and it eliminates a fair amount of stress.

So in a scheduled email for 3:30am I sent my mum a very long email detailing all of the answers to the questions I thought she might have, and went to sleep, knowing she’d wake up before me and read it while I wasn’t conscious.

I got an email back saying she supported me fully and would help me in whatever way I needed. Which almost brought me to tears. I wasn’t sure my Mums stance on transsexuality and was worried she’d dismiss it, but the way she reacted was massively helpful and I’m glad to have a Mum like that.

Now I’ve got to figure out how to tell my brother, who my Dad basically tries to raise with me as twins.

So about 5 days ago now I realised that I probably had gender dysphoria, which made me quite surprised not at the fact that I’m probably Trans, but more so that I didn’t recognise wishing to god late at night to become a woman as a sign of transsexuality. Either way, I think reading something about how they can actually do far more than I thought they could I think tipped me over and I decided to get help.

By get help I mean wallow in confusion, mild depression and insanely high anxiety for 3 days.

After 3 days though, I actually talked to a friend about it, which was nice to get it out my system, but more importantly it allowed me to calm down and actually plan out a lot of things, make a pros/cons and counterpoints list (I deal with stress by quantifying data don’t judge me) and started to seek help, which would firstly come from calling my GP to ask what to do.

The only problem was it was Saturday. With a bank holiday on the Monday.

So I waited through, continuing to read as much as I could about it and trying to understand the process exactly, even starting to think about names when it came to about an hour ago.

I calll up, they say I can get an appointment by the end of the day.

I go to shower and about 40 mins after I called up I get called back by the doctor, which when your in the UK on the NHS is fucking unheard of.

So far it’s great, everything is going well. So I talk to the doctor and explain I think I have Gender Dysphoria. And she tells me I should talk to someone face to face.

When Coronavirus passes.

That’s superbly fucking disheartening. I have to wait 3 months of pure nothing with no progress being made and continue feeling this way until then, let alone how fucking long it’s going to take afterwards as well. What’s worse is that I get and understand why, and I agree with it, so literally the only thing that could’ve been done different is if I was less of a fucking moron and noticed maybe a year earlier.

I’ve had a lot of inarguably trans thoughts. I end up having dreams about being female, I semi-seriously wish for everything to be magically rerolled and my life to have ended up with the same friends but be a woman. I keep considering getting vaginoplasty and I think I’d be happier as a woman; I have social anxiety which makes socialising with other people very difficult and while it’s not a full fix, I feel like women get treated far better for being quiet and “more beta” (not a fan of the phrase but I can’t think of another way of putting it) than men. Not how it should be and something I fight a lot, but it’s how it is.

However there’s nothing inherently wrong to me about being a man still. I’m fine with my body, I don’t get any form of dysphoria, I’m not embarrassed about things like dick size and I honestly really like my name. I wouldn’t want to be more feminine and not get judged for it or even wear women’s clothing and shit. All this shit makes me feel like I shouldn’t be trans because it’s a preference, not a need like some people have. I also think that it’s partly because I’m a bit fascinated about how different a woman’s life is from a mans: Even if I got the surgery I’m never going to have to deal with periods, I don’t deal with bras, I don’t deal with makeup or sitting down to pee or even making my hair into that weird twisty thing. That sort of thing fascinates me and while some of it is strange, it makes me feel like I’m only doing this out of curiosity.

On top of all this you’ve got the sexy shit. I’m confident in my sexuality, definitely attracted to girls, and I don’t think that would change bar trying it out once. Furthermore I’m kinda kinky, and whilst not going into details I’m more a Dom and wouldn’t consider being a sub as a male. But would it be right if I then felt like being nag a sub as female? Moreover, frankly I’m a fucking virgin, and I’d quite like to use my dick properly before I got it replaced, which makes me think that maybe I’m not trans? You also have the people surrounding me, and whilst I do care about them and even if I did come out then I’m sure they’d be supportive and if not fuck ‘em, but that’s be super weird for them and I’m kinda scared about how it will affect them. Finally, I’m sure this is something a lot of trans women have but I’m concerned about the fact that if I got vaginoplasty it wouldn’t be a “real” (I know this is something a lot of transphobic people say but again, I have no other way to put it) vagina, by which I mean it wouldn’t be doing all the things a born-woman’s would do, and frankly I’m kinda worried about how successful the surgery actually is.