~

It’s so bright outside, I don’t think I’ve ever seen snow so loud, it’s so cold.

Christmas time is so fun, the lights are so pretty. So many colors. So many presents. So many cookies.

It feels wrong. It doesn’t feel right.

she feels it too, I think. She loves Christmas time usually, but this year in general has been sullen.

She doesn’t deserve to be sad

if I was who i wanted to be, i'd wear low rise shorts and feel great. if i was who i wanted to be, i'd be healthy. i would have long hair, my curls well managed. i'd be inspiring, i'd be more than what i'm told i am. more so than what i tell myself that i am. id be stable. I'd be sexually free. i wouldn't second guess myself all the time. id walk in heels. I'd workout. i'd be a C cup. i'd be slim. i'd fit in. i'd be normal, my personality would be more than just copy and paste, and sad. i'd have more to say, id speak up for myself. i'd be listened to more often. i wouldnt feel terribly guilty. i wouldnt feel like this. i wouldnt have a patched up heart. i'd be happier. i wouldn't be afraid to take risks or answer quetions. i'd be free. if i was wrong aboout anything, i'd apologize and move on. i wouldn't internalize everything. people would like me more. i wouldn't have pity taken upon me. if i was who i wanted to be, i wouldn't take antidepressants. if i was who i wanted to be i'd be inspired. i'd be free. i'd drive. i'd travel. i wouldn't be hurt.