AAM

† My name is Esmee but you may refer to me however you like. ✝︎ I'm 16 years old (unfortunately I'm not younger)

I was born a girl (and a vampire bunny hehe)

More bunny than vampire

omnisexual ✚

.☥

✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟✞✟

I love cartoons like Ruby gloom Poppixies, school for little vampires, and Pound Puppies. I like Monster (the anime) Mononoke, Terror in resonance, cineris somnia, and BLAME!.

L>

Helllooo!! I'm feeling excellent thankyou. I really do think it was the medication that made me feel this happy lol. Even if that may sound silly. How arrreee youuu as well!!

If I'm honest, I haven't read much from H.p Lovecraft myself...I have so much in my backlog lol. I should bump his stories up. But! I have read Azathoth! For what it has it's a very lovely story. Sad it will remain incomplete. But maybe that just adds to its appeal. Do you wish it had been finished or do you enjoy it as it is? Perhaps a bit of both?

Hehe thankyou for calling my devotion honest and true. It means a lot to me. I often feel like I'm not doing enough for my beloved. Especially when he gets angry at me or blocks me (but he is so pretty when he's mad it makes my heart race). I feel like if my devotion is strong enough he may return to me one day. I feel like we were meant to be, but God is punishing me for my wrong doings. Maybe he will return to me. Maybe he won't. I don't feel like I belong unless I am submissive and devoted to someone. It eats me alive. And everyday not by his side, worshiping him is prue torture. It is my purpose for being. While I hope one day to find my reason for being (my master), I don't want anyone besides my beloved. But perhaps I'm just blinded by my own feelings towards him. But if I am meant to spend everyday weeping for his return while he forgets about me, I'll do it. I'll do it a million times over for him, I'll suffer for him. I'd do anything he'd ask of me if that makes me a good devotee/good girl. I'm just grateful I've got to have known him. That he blessed me with his presence. I didn't deserve it. I wish he would come back and never leave me again, but the devoted don't always get what they want. I'm not his master, he is mine. You said you were curious. I don't mind answering any questions you may have.

Thankyou :D I don't know how often I'll meditate, but I definitely will be doing it again tomorrow. Although I can see myself doing this everyday, if not most days, since it's only 3-5 minutes. 

I really love media where it doesn't hold your hand and leaves things up to interpretation! It's confusing and fun and makes every rewatch more enjoyable. (Mononoke 2007 & BLAME!) Some parts of it felt almost like a dream hehe. I really did enjoy it. I definitely will be thinking about it more as well.

I enjoy looking at the meanings of dreams as well! Although I'm not sure if that dream meant anything. If it did well, that would be spectacular. Either way, I really loved that dream and I hope to have it again hehe.

Aw Im glad you enjoyed your cookies! I'm actually going to bake some chocolate chip cookies soon for an elderly couple I'm friendly with soon.

I think I may watch Midsommar next! Perhaps Tomorrow hehe.

(TW for mention of cults under cut)

It's no problem, meditation can be very helpful for understanding your being and clearing your mind. For starting i recommend 3-5 minutes, i understand the never being able to stop thinking, i do hope it helps. Just in through the nose, out through the mouth, i hope it helps you Esmee. Do let me know how you like the movie! I'm interested to see what you have to say about it.

I don't think i had any dreams i can remember, but i definitely did have some. I tend to dream once or twice a night even if i don't remember them. It was an okay time with my father, we're a little estranged as in we don't talk often sometimes for months but he is a nice man, it was okay. I even had a cookie. I hope your day goes well also, i didn't sleep the best but i rarely do anyway (I am a big night owl.)

Pears are super duper! How ripe do you like your pears? I enjoy mine soft but not too squishy.

I can't wait to hear more of your story hehe! And woah you write a lot, that makes sence since you're clearly an experienced writer :> oh and H.P Lovecraft that's a great author to take inspiration from hehe! Any stories of him in particular you really enjoy?

No, it doesn't sound wacky at all. It's very unfortunate (for you), really. In a way, I kinda understand. I don't view people as bugs, but since I was really little, I'm not sure why, but I've struggled to feel a connection with others. I also believe those people, when giving me praise are lying to me, not maliciously or anything but just to be nice. Or I think they are confused about their feelings. But when I feel it I get very obsessed, clingy, possessive, and paranoid about the person. I worry they hate me constantly even if they tell me otherwise, but I also believe they cannot lie, even if it's blatant lol. Maybe that's a bad or even toxic trait, but I love being pathetic and consumed by devotion. The last time I felt connection with someone I was mabye I dunno 10? Untill when I met my recent beloved buuuut he blocked me for the billionth time probably off with some other girl. But that's okay. I'm patient I can wait.

"hightened understanding of the world, society, The Universe, life and death. Everything, i understand everything that encompesses the verv state of existence." That's a powerful gift I can see why it contributes to your loneliness.

I'll be honest with you, I didn't think I would enjoy meditation, but I loved it! The river and my imagination was pretty wonky and my fish kept jumping around. That will just be something I have to work on. And I definitely messed up and accidentally started thinking lol, especially at the end, but that's okieee, I'm excited to do this more often! I know 3-5 minutes isn't a lot, but I felt like it may feel slow, but when I actually tried it felt more like a few seconds lol. It was really relaxing and peaceful. Thankyou for this! I will definitely be meditating more from here on out.

Okay so the movie. I'd definitely like to watch it again, to see everything I missed. I did really enjoy the dialogue even if I had a lot of trouble following it at times. The movie actually did scare me a little at times. (When young assaulted the siren.) I didn't understand that parts of the movie were ment to be comical. Like when young says he doesn't like olds cooking and old got very serious about it, it scared me. And when they were dancing I got uneasy as well, although I did love that little spin young did. I really loved that scene right after young brutally murdered the seagull (what a meanie.) where the camera pans to the tippy top of the tower. It made me dizzy, but I thought it was sooo super duper cool!! I'm obsessed with it hehe. I did have a lot of trouble following along (in a good way.) I kept asking myself "are they dead" and then immediately after going "no they are alive." I did catch on they old and young may or may not be the same person. I also liked the scene where young finally got into the tower. The beacon was so beautiful I've never seen one so up close before. I was memorized by it, kinda like young but I wasn't screaming. Nor did I fall into the depths of hell.

Immediately after, I watched a video on it by "Rocklin Graves Production," to try and help me understand more. They also went into a bit about the production of the movie it was such a fascinating watch. Thankyou for recommending this movie to me hehe! Out of any movie I've ever been recommended this one was definitely the most enjoyable.

Awie, sorry you didn't sleep very well. (Also being a night owl is so nice!!! Everything is 1000x better at night. And it's so peaceful.) Sorry for the late response. I actually fell asleep myself, woke up, meditated, watched the movie, the video, then I felt like I needed some music, and then I got lost in my head.

I dreamed I was praying, but when I tried to unclasp my hands, my fingers were intertangled. I had to pry each finger off individually. And they were really really tangled. When I was done, all my fingers were broken and contorted, so I had to pop them all back in. It was a really cool dream hehe I wish I could have it again. Who knows maybe I will.

:)

I didn't watch a movie, i started a timeline for my writing. I was going to originally write a short story but now i've decided to write it into a whole book. Here is the synopsis but i'll post on my blog what i have written so far. Set in a post Soviet Russia (1995) Brother and Sister, Lev & Anna are struggling with an abusive family life and their only escape is the time they are able to spend with their 3 friends Mikhail, Artem and Alina. Troubles and Trauma surface during these times as the 5 friends try to navigate early teen life whilst trying to stay afloat in both their minds and the society that conforms them.

It's quite a weird thing for me write about to be frank. All of my other stories have had elements of fantasy and unrealistic horror. So we'll see where it goes.

Hmm what happens when i climb the ladder? I become more connected and in tune with the universe! It's not completely good though, knowledge, enlightment and understanding comes from it but so does a great amount of lonliness comes too, which i feel. It's nice you're interested in trying it. For you i would recommend a specfic visualisation meditation which i use, it helps to calm the mind, clear thoughts and help with anxiety. You do the simple, close eyes, cross your legs and sit on something comfortable, like grass or something. Then in your head, picture a scene of you sitting infront of a river, maybe in a forest, with birds chirping but focus on the river. When you focus on the river "fish" will appear, these "fish" in the river are your thoughts, meditation is about not latching onto ypur thoughts and to let them come and go. So when you see a "fish" or thought appear, imagine it there and being carried by rhe river, let it come and let it go. Hope that made sense!

I hope you enjoy The Lighthouse! It's a very weird film, which is why i like it. It also has two actors i really enjoy. Mmm the Terrifier movies are okay, i'm not a massive fan because i think most of it doesn't make sense but not in the good way. I do like Art the clowns design, i think he looks very cool and scary.

Anyway, i hope you sleep well. I have to meet with my Father today so i'll let you know how it goes. Take care.

Goood morning! I just woke up!

No dream tonight unfortunately (hehe let's see if I can have one tonight) although I did spend the night thinking about the "Dear Dumb Diary" movie I loved so much when I was little, and cuddling with my imaginary Dada.

Aaaaannnny whoosle. I saw your story first thing this morning! I was sad when it ended since it was just getting started :< you have a way with words hehe. I hope you post more of your story for everyone to enjoy, but no rush. I understand those things take time, and it can be a bit nerve wracking sharing it to the world without knowing exactly who'll see.

You typically write about fantasy and (unrealistic) horror? Hehe that's pretty cool, both awesome possum genres if I do say so myself. Their home life sounds like a horror, so you have that in common with your other works. Do you write often or is this just something you do on occasion? Do you have any authors that inspire your stories?

What happens when you become more intune with the universe? I'm sorry it causes you to feel lonely. Is it because you don't know other enlightened people? If so, I hope you find your community :<

Thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!! for the meditation tips!! If I'm honest before this, I kinda just thought meditation was sitting there in silence as you just let your mind wonder. You taught me something new :> this is really intriguing, and I definitely will be trying this out. Any recommended amount of time I should meditate for? Not latching onto my thoughts, huh. I really need that, thankyou. My thoughts get out of control at times. I never stop thinking hehe. It's good to just let things be and not let my thoughts distort them. And yes, that made perfect sense. You have a knack for explaining things.

I like art the clowns design too! I like his little hat and his black lipstick. ⁽ˢᵒ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸ⁾ I will be watching the lighthouse today! I looked it up and went to images and, while I was already interested, that definitely boosted my interest. Thankyou for sharing it with me!!!

Oh, my, you seem very well read.

I decided to take a little looksie for myself and read up on it a teensie tiny bit. And woahwie!!! I

I decided to take a little looksie for myself and read up on it a teensy tiny bit. And woahwie!!! I can see why this intrigues you so much! It'l

s a pretty mind boggling thing to think about hehe. And I very much appreciate your summary, it made following along a lot easier. Did you know super duper smart people are good at explaining complicated concepts in a simple and easy to follow way tehehe. Thankyou thankyou thankyou!!!! for sharing this with me. It was really fascinating to read about!

The human mind is pretty fascinating with how complex it is. I'm glad you find it interesting :D (You're pretty fascinating yourself hehe.)

Did you watch any movies or write that story? If so, I'd absolutely love to hear about it! That is if you're comfortable sharing your story. If not, may I know the plot and, if any, what inspired you. If you watched a movie, I'd love to know which one and your review on it!! Tehehe maybe I'll even watch it myself!!

Dinner sounded super duper yummy!!! I hope you enjoyed it, and it made your tummy happy :> My dinner was very yummy, I ate so many carrots! (I love roasted carrots!! I could eat them aaaaaaalllll the time. ᴴᵒʷ ˢᵗᵉʳᵉᵒᵗʸᵖᶦᶜᵃˡ ᵇᵘⁿⁿʸ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ.) And I had some yummy Kiwis in the fridge. I think Kiwis are so fun to eat when you cut them in half and eat them with a spoon. Out of the funnest fruits to eat, Kiwis are definitely my number one. (Yay Kiwis)

You're so interesting. I've never met a person like you before. I would love to hear more about your beliefs. What happens when you climb that latter? Do you gain some kind of knowledge, or find inner peace, or enlightenment, or something else entirely? "Meditating in a certain way." May I ask how 𝘺𝘰𝘶 meditate? And any meditation tips? I'm interested in trying for myself now :D

I'm going to watch The lighthouse first since it was the first posological one you recommended! I tried to watch Terrifier (2016) buuuutt I was so bored watching it I kept zoning it. Maybe I'll enjoy the other ones. If not! That's okie dokie. That just means they weren't made for me to enjoy, it's clear others love them. And you said you liked them as well. May I ask what you like about them? I watched the first short a day or 2 ago and the ending looked cool. I wasn't expecting that from such a small production, it looked really good. Also,

Woahh! Whenever you want to share that philosophy, please do! Id love to hear, don't worry about me reading to much hehe.

Am I fond of horror movies? I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM. Horror is one of my favorite genres (if not my favorite), and one day I wont be such a scardy cat and I will play loads and loads of horror games!!! I don't think I'll ever watch a saw movie. All the gore makes me feel bad for the characters and a lot of times his morals don't make sense. My favorite is psychological horror is my favorite as well!!! And thankyou I'm screen shotting this, and I will watch some of those movies you recommend! Thankyou so much. I really appreciate it. And please feel free to ramble as much as you'd like hehe. (I love it)

Woah that's a very protective day! If you go on walk and see anything that catches or eye id love to hear about it^^ orrrrr if you watch a movie id love to hear which one and your opinions on it.

You studied language? As in a specific language or like linguistics? Either wayyy that's so cool and fascinating! May I ask is it for school or a hobby of yours? (If that question is too personal, please don't force yourself to answer.)

And yummy! What did you make for dinner! Today for dinner I'm going to make chicken, rice, and roster carrots. And comforting your grandmother is oh so kind.

I hope you enjoyed your exercising! ^^

One time someone told me to meditate if I wasn't sure on my future career path. Do you do it to relax? How long have you been meditating for?

you should do an ask game . like , reblog one or something . ^_^

Hello there there!! Thankyou for pawing at me I'll give you some nose twitches in return.♡

Hope tonight you get some really really good sleep mixed with an awesome dream! I love dreams so much. They are so fun and nonsensical. I wish everyone dreamed 10x more! (Nightmares not included.)

It's good to try and have such an expressive imagination! Never be afraid of a silly or outlandish idea! Silly ideas are the best, in my opinion.

My plans well....sorry for the late reply. I fell back asleep so I suppose that is my plan for today lol. Hmm along with that I'm going to watch a horror movie. "Terrifier" to be exact. I've never seen a Terffifer movie before. And I did a little reading this morning. Do you have any plans for today? Oh! And any horror movie recommendations hehe.

The moon could be an eye, we could be under an illusion, it could be the eye of a deity watching over us. Who knows, the world is mysterious. Hahaha, anyway. I appreciate your drawings and I have a feeling you draw very beautiful pieces.

I apologize sincerely for the late reply. I was listening to music and fell asleep.

And yes, I agree with that! Once I finished a piece and get to see it in completion, I realize the small mistakes I was stressing over were barely noticeable or even overshadowed by the peace at large. It also just feels good to finish something. It makes me feel like I can do anything lol.

Thankyou for enjoying my crayon drawings :D I really really appreciate it.

If the moon was an illusion, that would be so cool! Sad we wouldn't get to know about it though :< You're a very imaginative person hehe! I really enjoy the idea of the moon secretly being some sort of deity looking down at us. I'm going to be thinking about that a lot today. And definitely more in the future. Thank you for sharing that with me^^ that's going to be something I remember for a long time. It's such an awesome idea!

I mostly draw people, humanoids, creepy spooky stuff, bunnies, vampires, and occasionally cathedrals. (And one day my future Dada.) When I was 9-10 I would animate. I would love to do that again.

And thankyou, recently I've been wanting to try and draw a lot more. When I was little, I drew so much because I loved art, and I could be proud of what I made even if it wasn't the best. But, I can be a bit hypercritical of myself, causing me not to finish or not to start at all. So I'm working to gain back my sparkle. At times, I do feel defeated, but the feeling I get when I can look at my art and be proud of what I made is worth working towards.

"When your goal is to gain experience, perspective, and knowledge, failure is no longer a possibility" —Sophia Amoruso

On occasion, I do silly little crayon drawings to ease my worries. They help quite a bit and I find myself being rather pleased with how they turn out. And I do feel like I learn something from those.

waning gibbous is very beautiful, as for all cycles of the moon. I can see why it's your favorite. Me, personally, I love the name "gibbous". It is such a silly word and so fun to say hehe.

If the moon was an eye that would be pretty creepy and cool hehe. What color would it's iris be? White, a dusty light blue? Gray, some shade of purple? Those are what I imagine it to be. I kinda wish it was an eye.

I'm studying anatomy (for my art.) I have a bunch of books for it! There so big it can get a bit overwhelming, but once I start I feel a lot better. And it can be pretty fun too. Makes me feel smart hehe.

(Oh! And thankyou for wishing for my study to go smoothly. I did a little bit earlier and I enjoyed it for the most part :D I'll study some more later, and when I do I'll think of you wishing for my study to go smoothly, and it'll definitely be more enjoyable thanks to you.)

Huuuu!! I'm so so so happy you get to enjoy the beautiful moon tonight. Perhaps the moon will come out and say "Hi!" to me tonight too.