Bundi

Have you ever heard the expression to dance on two weddings, well try that with three party´s on one night. I can guarantee you it sounds more fun than it actually is especially if two of those parties are at the same place but the people can´t stand each other, and the third one is at a completely different location. Now since I´m not going to say any names I´m going to give them numbers, number 1 was the birthday party of a very good friend of mine, number 2 was actually just a get together but of some of my closest friends. Number 3 was also a birthday party but for someone whom I haven´t met in ages, of course I wanted to visit them.

Okay no.3 started the earliest so I didn´t see any problem with starting at that one. We all went to get something to eat and since I knew that the next one, (no. 2) was just looking for a quick bite at some fast food restaurant, I could eat with nothing in mind, so far easy. After dinner, we went for drink´s in one bar I actually before never went, but not so far from the other place where no. 1 & 2 were taking place. I roughly assumed I had time for about one or two drinks before I had to get to party no.2. I slowly drank one beer and then excused me for a moment because I had to call my (not existent) girlfriend and ran off to party no. 2. Getting there my friends were already waiting for me and I somehow convinced them that we get to the back of that club because the bar was closer or something like that, I can´t remember what I said, but it worked. I was just hoping that I could get the others to stay in the front so they hopefully wouldn’t meet. I got myself a beer and was just about take a sip as my phone started ringing. I answered and it was someone form party no.1. They were here and so I excused myself from the others and went to the front of the club. I greeted them all and went to get me another beer because, they couldn´t know I was there with somebody else. Now time has passed now a little and I needed to get back to no.3. Therefor I made some excuse and went straight outside to the other bar with my phone in hand, as soon as I arrived there they someone was standing outside and waiting for me, asking where I´ve been. I just said I like to walk around while talking on the phone and that we should went back inside. This running from one place to another got so annoying that at one point I just played completely hammered and said I was heading home, so I just had to be at one club at the time and just run up and down in there. Needless to say, it was an exhausting night but I managed it quite easily, at the beginning. As the night got longer, of course I got drunker and so I couldn’t get my stories straight anymore. The time when it all blew up was when they wanted me to dance with them. I said no because the dancefloor is pretty much in the middle of the club so I had the assumption that the other ones will see me. However, how could it other be they dragged me on the floor and well, if you’re out there you start dancing. Of course, the others caught me and the yelling started, mostly at me. I tried to explain myself but they both wouldn´t listen, so I just nodded and agreed to everything.

Someone once told me there is no such thing as bad luck or luck in general, well if you ask me that’s kind of bullshit. Because there is bad timing and to have a good or bad timing you sometimes have to be lucky. Moreover, I have some examples for that too.

So let´s remember back in the day when we all were younger and our back´s did not hurt, men what a time… anyway, your mother or father came home from work and it was a shitty day so he or she just wanted some quiet time on their own. You, a little kid back then, who had no idea what´s going on, came in to the room and well let´s say as it is, if you want to be alone for a moment everybody gets on your nerves. Therefore, and I can only speak for my parents, there sometimes is a little bit of jelling involved because a little kid keeps pushing and kind of demanding that their parents play with them. For me that’s bad timing in wanting something or let´s take an example that people who had maybe a better childhood then me can more relate to. You are at work let´s say you have a desk job nothing with heavy work more thinking to do but still at times quiet stressful. Can you relate, good! Now your boss gets out of a meeting with his bosses and in that he gets all the shit work, yelled at because something wasn´t ready or something was really bad in the last project, pick something doesn’t matter. Point is he is pissed off, you just don´t know that because he went from the meeting straight to his office. Now let´s assume you need his approval or his signature for something and its urgent and you have been waiting the whole day, so as soon as you see him get to his office you follow him directly. You knock, enter and he starts shouting at you because you bother him with something so unimportant right now. Even though he´s shouting at you he is clearly upset about something or someone else, you just get the shots because before he could let out his anger on someone who deserves it you entered the room. You just had bad timing or better bad luck that you needed something form him right away. All right I get that when you play games or something that there is no such thing as bad luck, even though someone has to explain to me how I than can be so shitty when I roll the dice but that’s a different story.

Do you know someone like this, you call him or her say you need help and no matter what he/she will be there in no time and do whatever is in his power to help. Well I know someone like this very well because I´m that someone don’t get me wrong I would do anything for the people I love and I also like helping other people but for that reason I pretty much every time I put myself in second every god damn time.

Like I said I have no problem with helping someone and I love doing it, if it´s helping them build there furniture, paint their apartment or if it’s just coming over and listen to their problems. However, if you do it like me for the last, well actually, three months now you get exhausted. The problem is and I´m just going to take one of the last weeks for example. On Monday a friend of mine called me right before I usually go to bed I picked up the phone and he tells me he was in the hospital and got a checkup because he had a heavy pain in his chest. After a while he comes to the point that he can´t find his keys and asked me if he could crash on my couch for the night, of course no problem with that. Since he does not life far from me, and he collapsed earlier that day I got dressed and picked him up so nothing could happen. The next day I got a message from another friend of mine saying she collapsed today and is in the hospital right now. I was at work and could not leave even thou I wanted to check on her as soon as I got the text; I think you get how my brain rotated that day. Later on the same day, the guy from yesterday calls and said if I got time after work he needed someone to talk to, of Corse I said yes. Turns out is girl broke up with him, sort of its complicated, so we sat at my place and talked for ever and at one point ,it was seven in the afternoon, I just got up and said ”I´m sorry I haven´t eaten all day could we talk about that somewhere I can get a bite?”. Now were sitting at McDonald´s for another hour before he leaves. Right after he left the girl which earlier collapsed calls me and asks if I´m at home. I said yes, so she comes over and we talked for another two hours. At this point you should know I need to get up at 4:30 in the morning for work so accordingly I lay down early usually, but never the less I would never throw someone out of my apartment as long as they´re having something to talk about. Wednesday comes and like every Wednesday, my friends and I are getting together after work for coffee, and since I am good friends with his sort of ex she was also at the meetup. We talked about her side of things and I listen until she had to leave. About half an hour later I get a call from her crying like hell saying her mother kicked her out for the night and of course I said she could crash on my couch but before that she wanted to go for a drink didn’t mind so I came along and had like five coke´s. So I got to bed again very late. Jumping into Thursday I had plans with someone to clean out the empty boxes in my apartment, which I have to admit we did first, but right after we finished she told me she had bought her long wanted rain shower, and I promised her when she gets it I install it. So back to work until, I don’t even remember. Friday comes along and actually, I was in a good place for that day because we had plans to go to the movies and well the next day I could sleep in or so I thought. Because the movie were cancelled and so we were sitting in the theater bar and were chatting and I ended up at the pub where a friend of mine works and I had to get her car for the next day because I had a dinner reservation and needed a car to get her. So after staying out till I believe it was three I got up at eight on Saturday and finally could do some grocery shopping which I couldn’t do all week. Then I cleaned the apartment, finally could do a workout and had still time that some friends which were spontaneously in the city could finally visited my new apartment. After that, I had a wonderful evening with a beautiful girl. Finally, Sunday well after I got her home on Saturday I somehow ended up getting drunk and went out until six in the morning. I finally slept in until midday and only got up because I was hungry only problem is I again was awake until one in the morning. However, I think I made my point.

I came now to one conclusion I need a break not particularly from work but from people so I will wait until after a got friends birthday of mine, and then say my goodbyes for two or three weeks I just need a break right now from everything and most of all I just want to sleep.

Have you ever thought about how different your life could be if you just had made one thing different choice? Let´s say you moved into the apartment you were thinking about before finding yours, or you took the job you were offered first and didn´t look for something better. How about your buddy never encouraged you to go out with him that one night and you wouldn´t have found that special someone?

Well of course none of us can ever know for sure how our life´s would´ve turned out to be, but it’s something I sometimes like to think about. Just some examples out of my life, if I didn´t took the job I´m having right now there would have been many things different on one hand I wouldn´t have gone on that long business trip and probably would still be together with the girl I was starting something before that on the other hand I wouldn´t earn that much as I do now and maybe I weren´t be able to go out that night and would have never met her, so who knows there is always two way´s to see thing´s. Also if I had a different job maybe I would have moved out of my old place a long time ago, maybe I would still life there because I couldn´t afford something else. But also if I had a different job I would probably not be working out because let´s be honest here I started it because I need to be fit for my job. What if, a long time ago I wasn´t to chicken to talk to that girl I saw at that party, would we be happy now and still together or would it have been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Think about all the fun I would have been missing if I decided to stay at home and play videogames instead of joining the guy´s for a night out, or just going out alone a few times. I would have never met some of the most fun guys and now really good friends and the whole fun I would have missed. What if, on the few occasions where I was invited to two (one time even three) I decided to go to the other party or stayed at one and didn´t stated hopping back and forth like I did, who knows what would have happened. Let´s say I did take this test back in school and I went to the better class, I would have never had the friend circle I have right now, the small one started with friends from school and expended after a while. My best friend I wouldn´t even know him today and without him I wouldn´t met my ex. Speaking of Ex´es if I wouldn´t been so stupid to start something with someone how clearly has anger issues I wouldn’t have the scars on my body I´m having right now, but also I would have missed out on some of the most let´s say adventures time of my life.

All in all I believe my life has just turned out as perfectly as it could have been, of course I like to wonder where I would be right now but I´m guessing everybody does that at some point. I´m really glad that I can say that I don’t regret one single thing I did even if right after that it seemed like it was the biggest mistake of my life.

It´s funny how much can change in one month or better said by having on good day but let me fist say why I have good faith in the future. My new apartment is looking great (well it´s not quite finished yet but I´ll get there), the relationship with my parents is getting better probably because I don´t see them that often anymore so there are not as many fights when we see each other. I quit the pills but I´m still drinking sometimes but not that often and also not that much. I started to reflect on that particular day also over HER (if you read the last text you know who) and I´m done with trying and I´m actually happy with just being friends actually I can gladly say that I can count her to one of my closest, if not even to my best friends. Some people even believe that we are together because of how much time we spend together so I jokingly say sometimes to her that we are married for twenty years because we spend every day together but don´t have sex.

Now to the one good day or actually it was a whole weekend. I started thinking about all that stuff every day since I wrote the last text and there was this concert coming up in a whole different city which a friend and I were planning to visit anyway. Therefore, we spend the day there had a shitload of fun then the concert was actually amazing (going to confess here I got high just by standing in the crowed, because this whole building became on huge fucking hotbox in just five minutes). After the concert were we had already had such a blast with all the dancing, singing and partying we went to a pub we saw on our way earlier and in there I´m pretty sure we had the past talk we had since like ever. We sat in there chatting probably until one in the morning after that we got something to eat from one of these stands that had still open and went back to our room. I have to say the only thing that sucked that day was the sleeping part because even thou I was tired as hell, the matrass was like it wasn´t even there and I felt like sleeping on the floor. Also I had this terrible cough which woke me up every half hour and my buddy actually thought I wouldn´t survive the night (by the way if you ever read this thanks for checking and for the snoring). The next day we had to get up relatively early because of the check out so we got something to eat and after that, we visited some of our friends that live in this city. At their place, we also were chatting for two or three hours before we drove back in our hometown. When I got back home I didn´t have much time that day because I was planning to go for some drinks with an old friend of mine. So quickly home, made dinner started my workout and made myself ready for the night plus she helped me build some furniture before we went for drinks. Again, the night was amazing, we had so much together, and the whole weekend I could just forget everything and could clear out my mind.

Ever since that weekend, I see things different I also have a brand-new mindset and in addition since than life has become easier I don´t think about things before, I just do or try it and I do not care if what the outcome is. I think I have understand now if I don’t try something I´ll never know if it´s good or if it will work.

So usually a rollercoaster is a really funny thing and I love them really much the adrenaline rush that you get at these speeds and heights are amazing. But actually I don’t meet those right now, what I mean is when your life becomes a rollercoaster and I don’t mean a little one like for kids with one little up and down in slow motion and the rest goes narrow. No, no I mean a really fucking big one in high speed with loops, ups and downs and a really long downward spiral which I sitting in right now.

Well you see lives pretty fucked up at the moment it ain’t being easy since I’m back from the longtime work trip I had. The place were I live doesn’t feels like home, some of my friends split up and I don’t see them really often anymore, my best friend is in rehab and is not aloud to have contact to anyone. Oh! And to top it all of the girl I love has some type of relationship with some guy I personally believe doesn’t really care for her.

Sooo yeah, with a song of MCR I’m not okay (I promise), oh right and I started drinking again and I don’t mean one beer after work I mean excessively, hell I even got a flask in my jacket. So as you see life is pretty rough and since I don’t sleep much anymore I tried it with sleeping pills but even these don’t work I just can’t get anymore than three to four hours of sleep every night. I actually believe that the only thing that keeps me going is that I still spend much time with her, I honestly don’t know what would happen if she’s gone. Yes, I know how that sounds but I’m actually at the lowest point in my entire life and that comes from a guy who has been beaten, stabbed, was on drugs and (even as it’s happening again) drank like an alcoholic.

But like with any rollercoster it can go up sometimes as well. That’s why I moved out off my old place. I went to visit my best friend in rehab because at this time he can have visitors and he looks great actually (I write these things over the course of some weeks). I haven’t quite stopped with the pills and the alcohol yet, but I have gotten rid of my flask and I think that’s a start. Also at the time of writing yesterday I didn’t touch any alcohol even though I really wanted to. So maybe everything’s coming up after all I only hope it stays in this position for a while.

Life sometimes can be a real bitch. In one moment you feel like you have everything and nothing can stop you, in the next you get hit by a truck that drags you ten kilometers with it on a gravel road. That’s pretty much how I’m feeling right know.

You see I’m right now on let’s say on a work related trip which will take about six months, where every two months I go home for ten day or so it depends anyway the thing is before I went in this country (which on an objective level speaking it’s actually nice here) I met someone. About one month before I went and she gave me her number because of the work trip I would never have asked for it. Let’s be realistic for one second I’m gone for half a year and what are the chances of this working after only knowing someone for one month. Well I don’t know if she thought about it because she knew I was going away.

So this was three months ago and last month I went home for vacation and since we are still friends we had contact while I’m away and when I got home also. There we are sitting there, chatting in the bar were she is working and casually she drops the news that she is NOT leaving. !!BOOM!! The truck hit return and really hit me this time and drove me over. I mean okay she didn’t knew it before so no ones fault there. I think my buddy who also was with me could see the little bit of hope in my eyes, short hope period of two days later the truck goes from return to drive and goes over me once again. I met her on my last day before I was leaving again we went to the movies and after that she had to work so I came with her so we could do some talking. So long story short she explains exactly why she can’t leave now but she has a new plan how she can get away (you see at what point the truck rolled over me again) but that plan is not so fixated so it could take here a while. So after talking for awhile I asked her if she wanted to try it again with us because this time there would not really be an expiration date. It is the last day before I’m leaving again so I had to ask her now before another two months pass. Now this is the time where I should have looked if I was somehow attached to this god demanded truck because I could hear him start is motor and oh boy he went from zero to one hundert in 0.1 seconds when she told me let’s really talk when you are back for real. Okay so that’s not a no but it’s also not a yes it’s a we’ll see.

So today I have a day off (finally) and have time to write a little bit again but also to reflect. After one month on this gravel road being dragged by this truck, because I tell you not knowing is worse then a definite no, I really gotta say it can’t get much worse than that. So let’s see were the trucks stopping I just hope it’s in front of a hospital.