my kids^^

10. 22 PM

Sometimes I just can't help but wonder why after all the despicably shitty things that I've done, Allah has always been good to me. I wonder why after all the deadly sins that I've committed (either intentionally or unintentionally) He has always been there for me when I need Him. I wonder why He keeps surrounding me with beautiful souls eventhough I don't actually deserve to be given this great bounty. I wonder why He keeps putting kindheartedly wholesome people in my life, eventhough my stained heart is getting more rotten and rotten, eventhough my personality is getting worse and worse, eventhough I barely remember Him in my day-to-day life, eventhough all I do in my 19-year-old life is hurt people and be a burden for those who are around me. I wonder why Allah always gives me numerous opportunities to learn, to study, to practice, to grow, to evolve—all for the better. I wonder why He never stops providing me and taking care of me, no matter how flawed and detestable I am. I wonder why He has always been good to me, eventhough I've never been able to be a good servant of Him, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good teacher and many more—yeah, I have never been able to be a good person, but never in a moment does He stop being kind to me. I just don't know why, why, and why He has always been good to me.

Just like any other day, today He showered lots and lots of blessings upon me and I just can't thank you enough. By His grace, I spent almost the entire morning learning Arabic and it brought me nothing but abundance of knowledge and immense joy. He showed me the easy and effective way to learn Arabic, eventhough I used to ignore, abandon, and belittle this adorably insightful language for way too long. When I watched that 2-hour video, I felt loved by Him, I felt like He Himself was teaching me Arabic. Eventhough I now only know teeny-weeny bit about Arabic, I know that as long as I keep praying and putting in the consistently vigorous effort, I'll be able to have direct access to His words, if Allah permits.

Not only did He allow me to learn Arabic, but today He also allowed me to remember how He has always been good to me. Long story short, this evening I was supposed to attend a meeting with my principal and three fellow teachers. But unfortunately I couldn't make it ontime. While driving the motorcycle, I kept ruthlessly blaming and deprecating myself along the way. I have always been someone who is so weak, after all. In such moment, it's just really hard to manage my emotions and calm myself down. So yeah, I was ceaselessly crying and guess what? I ended up getting lost. When I realized that I had stupidly taken the wrong direction and couldn't find the place, I stopped and cried even harder. And then I opened my phone and texted Mba Isna that I got lost. She then called me and asked me where I was. I told her I just wanted to go back home, and to my surprise, she noticed that I was crying. Judging by her intonation and her choice of words, I can tell she was really worried about me, and in that very moment, I knew how much she cared about me. She said she would pick me up, but I kept saying that I wanted to go back home. She asked me to send mi ubicación, so I did, but after that, I turned mi datós moviles because I was so overwhelmed with the sobbing. Two minutes went by and when I checked my phone, Bu Dwi called me. She said that I shall go to my high school so she could pick me up there. So I did go to my high school and I did meet her there. She then drove to the direction of the aimed place for the meeting and I tagged along.

When I arrived, everyone was so happy to see me, eventhough t was crystal clear that I was a latecomer. They didn't make my tardiness as a big deal and they were just so kind with me. We then had a truly insightful talk and we proceeded to eat together. Bu Dwi was telling us lots of stories, I was so amazed by how good she is at talking. I was also surprised because that's when I was indirectly exposed with some horrible stories of hers. If there's one thing that I can be sure of, it's, Bu Dwi is one of the kindest, smartest strongest, and most gentle people I've ever known in my entire life. It's such a truly magnificent gift to be able to meet this wonderfully astonishing soul.

10 posts!

This is such a pleasant surprise. Who would've thought I could reach this accomplishment? I know I haven't been able to write regularly, but I never completely stop writing. Because here, I feel safe. I can talk about anything(mostly about my kids, my teaching journey and anything of the sort) without being afraid of getting nasty judgements. I actually want to write about some personal stuff too, but I don't know. I know nobody bothers reading these messed up writing of mine, but still. I need some reflective time to rethink and reevaluate, before scribbling some personal stuff here.

I vow that come rain or shine, I'll keep trying to be a better writer. I may not be able to change the world by writing on this blog, but I am changing myself. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am capable of doing something good. It makes me feel like I am able to use English for something good. And most importantly, it makes me feel grateful and closer to Allah.

LET'S DRAW^^

Today, there was a student who asked me to do something challenging of nowhere. He said, "Bunda, draw Ejen Ali" Frankly speaking, I'm someone who never draws, like ever. I can't even recall the last time I drew something. Drawing has never been my strong suit and I'm completely okay with it. Realizing that I'm not capable of making a decently good drawing, I swiftly declined his request, "But Bunda can't draw Ejen Ali" And he didn't give a damn about my candid response. Some kids are like that. They will do anything and they will go against the odss to get anything that they want. So yes, he vigorously kept begging me to draw that character hence I couldn't help but follow his request.

I knew I urgently needed some help so the very first thing that I did was search Ejen Ali's pictures on Google. It's funny because throughout my life, I hardly ever look for such stuff on Google. But I am a kindergarten teacher now, so I must adjust myself and try to get used to these sort of things. After finding the simplest picture, I took the marker pen and began drawing. That was such a truly challenging activity, I had to erase my drawing over and over again because there were too many negligible errors. But in the end, regardless of the result, I nailed it. It took me 8-ish minutes to finish this drawing.

Afterwards, another kid shouted, "Bunda, Bunda...draw Boboiboy Bunda!" I took a breath then release it and gave him a smile. I told myself "You've got this, zah!" So I searched Boboiboy picture on Google first and foremost and then started drawing. In the midst of the process, a student commented, "Boboiboy wears jacket, Bunda" so I had to erase some parts and then added the jacket. When I was done, he gave another feedback, "Boboiboy has some stupendous powers, Bunda" Oh, boy. I had to search more pictures because I had no single clue about how to draw the requested power. After some time, I finally could finish the drawing. What a relief!

Here's my drawing:

Bu Lartini's class is right beside mine and if I'm not mistaken, she has been teaching kids for years. This year though, she has one special male student. He has a certain problem with his hearing and he doesn't speak clearly. I vividly remember that in the midst of a casual meeting which happened a couple of days ago, she briefly talked about that kid in a grousing tone. She said that kid is extremely inobedient: when she is in the class, that kid is roaming around outside of the class and when she is outside, that kid is locking the class door, which makes other kids unable to enter the classroom. Furthermore, that kid is so hard to be counseled and he is a real troublemaker. As a result, Bu Lartini finds it really hard to handle this kid.

But you know what? To me, there's no such thing as impossibility when it comes to kids. It's undeniably true that I am just an inexperienced kindergarten teacher with no bachelor's degree, but I have had several moments in which I could positively change a kid for the better. The thing is, it may be hard, but it really is possible. Everything takes time and continuous effort but in the end, it will be worth it.

As for that inobedient kid, I firmly believe that he obviously can be better. Some time ago, during the break time, he locked the class' door again for the umpteenth times and so I instinctively came to check and see the real situation. And yeah, he did intentionally lock the door. I then tried to softly admonish him to open the door and he obeyed me. Some minutes went by and he locked the door again. So I had to came back and admonish him again. If my memory doesn't betray me, I've experienced this three times. And today, he did it again! So I had to came to his class and after I gave him a short reprimand, I invited him to my class. I gave her a tofu and let him play inside of my class. And to my surprise, he was so nice. He looked so happy playing my class' artificial telephone. When the bell rang, I told him to go back to his class and he listened to me.

It feels like it's been ages since I last scribbled down something. I know I am the most sluggish writer ever existed, but that's okay. I kmow I am continually trying my damnedest to be more consistent and I think that's what really matters. It doesn't matter how frequently you stumble, fall, and crash—as long as you're keeping yourself going, isn't that good enough? So yeah, I am coming back. After going on a hiatus for some time, I think I am now in a better frame of mind and am ready to continue writing with upgraded level of enthusiasm and gusto. Now, let me tell you about what happened today, because if not now, when? If not me, who? And if not here, where?

This afternoon something completely unprecedented happened and I just didn't know what to do with it. Have you ever had an unexpected experience with an uncontrollable kid? No, not with the chatterbox one, not with the weepy one either, but with the emotionally 'troubled' one? Today I had to deal with a kid that did something extreme which reminded me about my younger self—I had done that fourth times in my whole 19-year-old life, admittedly.

I went to the kindergarten school with an unflinchingly vivacious spirit. Along the way I stumbled across some high school students with adorably green uniform driving their respective motorcycle, and when I took an attentive look on their uniform, it quickly rang a bell. Dang, it's apparently my high school's uniform! I don't know which grade they're in, but they're irrefutably my juniors. And in that very moment, I couldn't help but reminisce my high school memories. I used to wear that green uniform and go to the same high school, too. It was such a briefly bittersweet moment, because not only did those students remind me of my old unforgettably pleasant memories, but they were also a sobering reminder for me to make the most out of our time and always try to enjoy my life. So much time spent in that high school but I used to be too ungrateful. I would grouch about every measly little thing and I was just too focused on my problems, not realizing that high school would someday come to an end. Now that it's over, it gave me a pang in my chest because never in a million years would I be able to play the role of a high school student again. Memories are memories—you can never rewind the time and relive the good old days ever again. I was drowning in the silhouette of high school memories for some minutes but then I remembered that what's done is done and I should let bygones be bygones. Allah has bestowed upon me a splendid blessing—a bountiful opportunity to be a teacher in a kindergarten school, isn't that more than enough to me? I should always try my hardest to moisten my lips by frequently reciting hamdallah and be truly grateful to Him. I continued driving my motorcycle in the hope of seeing my adorable kids. They're one of the reasons why I am never giving up on myself.

When I just arrived at school, things were going so smoothly—the kids were placidly playing together. Some kids were silent and others were constantly wandering around the class as though their boundless energy has no limit. Everything was awesomely manageable, until a student of mine got out of the class and scampered here and there. I tried to followed him but he never stopped running. Anytime I was about to catch him, he immediately approached and hugged his mom. His mom was constantly apologizing to me about her son's childish behavior, and I'd say some nice words and put on a smile on my face—assuring her that it's perfectly fine.

Some time later, his mom told me that she needed to go back home and leave his son in this kindergarten school because otherwise his son would always be dependent on her. I agreed and then she furtively left the school. At first he didn't notice that but then when he found out that his mom was no longer there, he burst out crying. He scampered around to find her, but he knew that his mom was nowhere in sight. So he proceeded to keep searching his mom even further, he ran towards the school yard, and I kept chasing him. I tried my best to stop him but it went in vain. He ended up tearing towards the road and I couldn't help but felt bewilderingly worried about his safety. Thankfully the security guard and the school stuff saw us, they then tried to help me. We spent some minutes on the pavement, trying to convince him to come back to the class, but he was adamant about finding his mom. So eventually the school stuff had to directly carry him.

We were finally coming back to the school, and as soon as we entered the entrance which is located inside of the school, the school staff quickly locked the entrance so as to keep him safe. He was constantly sobbing, never in a moment did his tears stop streaming down his face. He was ceaselessly attempting to open the door by powerfully hitting it, but it surely didn't work out. He spurred me into opening the door, and I make a show of trying my damnedest to open the door, but I didn't actually open it. I kept trying to coaxing him into coming back to the classroom, but he always abruptly refused me. I spent for what felt like eternity to convince him. I told her that his mom would come back to pick him up when the school ended, and yet he cried even harder. He cried hystericallly nonstop. I was exhausted. My voice was so hoarse and I was breathless. That kid cried like his life depended on it and I was so helpless. I wasn't feeling frustrated nor mad, I was just really tired. And I knew he also felt the same.

WE DID IT!

Today was the first day of school. When I arrived at school, I was amazed with the enormous number of students who went to the school at this morning. The splendor of the first school day could be felt in every nook and cranny. There were swarms of kids here and there and most of them were accompanied by their parents. When I entered the inside yard, I immediately heard tas merahku song which was being loudly played. I saw some teachers who were cordially welcoming the students and it was just so heartwarming to see the harmonious kinship between them.

After I neatly parked my motorcycle in the parking lot, I walked towards my classroom to put my bag and get ready to face the day. I then got out of the class and I warmly welcomed some students along with Bunda Isna. Some minutes went by and out of nowhere, Bunda Dewi came to usher two students of ours. I tried to approach one student and oh boy, he immediately burst out into tears! I became flustered but then I swiftly tried to muster my courage and I gently assured myself that I am more than capable of handling that kid. I tried to calm him down by asking about his name, his class, his parents, his address but all I got was complete silence. I was relieved because after some time, he finally became composed on his own volition so I then cajoled him into sitting on the nearby bench. He obeyed me but he still kept his mouth shut—he wasn't even willing to say a freaking word for me.

Another group of students came and I immediately approached them. I helped some students to unleash their shoelaces and I proceeded to coax them into entering the classroom. The students got to use and or play all the educational toys and tools. Some students were actively arranging the wooden boxes, others were playing 'lego'. There were also a few kids who were just blankly staring at their surroundings and doing absolutely nothing. I tried to cajole a teary-eyed kid into playing together with his friends, but he shook his head. He didn't want to mingle with anyone and I couldn't help but hopelessly looked at him, I knew I couldn't conquer this kid in the first attempt. Alright, maybe not today. But someday, I definitely will!

The bell rang out and it was time for all of us to assemble in the hall, hence Bunda Isna and I were directing our students to the hall together. It was really hard to keep them quiet. There was a kid who kept scampering, wandering all around the hall. There were some senior teachers who lead the event and they were inviting all of us to clap our hands, jump, make some hand movements, and sing children songs together. Some parents joined us and others were observing their respective kids from the outside—they stole a glance through the door/window every so often. Hours went by and the event in the hall was closed by seeing the performance of some teachers playing 'angklung'. It was epic!

We came back to the class and then the students continued playing again. Afterwards, Bunda Isna gave the snacks to the students and it really delighted them. When the bell rang again, we ended the class by making prayer together.

I was just totally bewitched with the way Bunda Isna handle the kids throughout the day. She's just really good at teaching kids, and in this field, she's my top role model. She can talk and communicate to everyone—kids, teenagers, adults, elders—in a really good way and I do hope I can follow her footsteps. I hope I can be like her someday.

Congratulations to all of us, for we successfully survived the first day of school! To everyone, thank you for teaching me lots of invaluable lessons today. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for giving me oodles of hope.

A LETTER TO MY STUDENTS ON THEIR FIRST SCHOOL DAY

Dear my students,

Congratulations, tomorrow is gonna be your first day of school! Hey, can you even believe that? After waiting for some time, finally tomorrow you are gonna be able to come to school and meet your new friends and your teachers, yeayyy. I know some of you may feel scared right now, because everything about the school seems incredibly unfamiliar to you, but trust me, you are gonna freaking love it!

Let me tell you something. When I was still teeny-weeny, I was also a student in this beloved kindergarten school. On my first day, my dad drove me here but he didn't accompany me throughout the day, because he wanted me to learn to be a bravely independent kid. He only ushered me up to the main entrance. I then entered the school yard alone and I was so bewildered because everything looked foreign to me. Apparently my dad forgot to show my classroom to me, so I was just perplexedly mooning around, trying to find my class. Some minutes went by and all of a sudden my dad came back and then he walked me to the class. As soon as I got there, he kissed me goodbye and then he left. I didn't cry. I just casually entered my classroom and to my surprise, all of my classmates were accompanied by either their mom or dad. I was the only student who was all alone. But you know what? My teacher was amazingly hospitable and I immediately fell in love with her on the first sight. She made me feel included, she made me feel like I wasn't alone with her benevolent words. It's largely because of her friendliness that I could passed my first day of school with flying colors.

You see, twelve years ago(more or less), I was also a new student coming to this exact kindergarten school on my first day, just like you. I was excited,happy scared, confused—there were just too many emotions simultaneously. But my teacher made me feel at ease. And I promise you, I will also do the same for you. I will do my damnedest to make you feel at home, so don't worry, okay?

I can tell my younger self genuinely loved this kindergarten school, you know I really enjoyed going to the school every day. And I know you'll love this school, too. Things may seem overwhelming, foreign, and terrifying right now, but everything is gonna be okay. Over time, you'll surely enjoy this school.

In all honesty, tomorrow is gonna be my first day teaching as well. I am no angel, I also feel scared, but the excitement (and or the happiness) outweighs the fear. You know why? Because I love kids. I am really passionate about teaching kids. And I do hope you'll like me too.

I know I am full of shortcomings, but I am ceaselessly trying to be better. If you ever find me make any minor and or major mistake, please don't be hesitant to reprimand me, okay? I am open to be corrected. I am willing to be given feedback from you all. And I'll also do the same. I'll defimitely try my best to hold you accountable.

Welcome to our beloved kindergarten school. We'll learn so many things together. We'll blithely play and sing together. We'll have fun together. We'll support each other through the thick and thin. We'll try to be better together. We'll basically do everything together! Welcome welcome welcomeeee^^

Your teacher,

Introduction

Hi!^^

I am just an ordinarily average girl who loves teaching kids. I love mingling with these lovely creatures. I love conversing with them and listening to their awesome, funny, and silly stories. I love attentively looking at their charmingly innocent eyes which light up in an exquisite way anytime they feel exuberant. I love playing together with them. I love observing all the things that they do—talking, rumbling, babbling, grousing, harassing, whimpering, screaming, smiling, smirking, giggling, laughing, playing, experimenting, scampering around, ambling, jumping, twirling, dancing, singing, humming and so forth. I love spending my time with kids. I love learning things together with them. I love everything about kids :)

I've been teaching kids for years but this is the very first time I get to teach kids in a formal setting—in a kindergarten school. I am not an exemplary teacher and I am not a bad teacher either. I know there's a plethora of miscellaneous things that I ought to learn in order to be a great teacher and I'm more than willing to keep striving so as to be better. I am vigorously determined to improve the quality of my teaching skills and ceaselessly work on myself.

So yeah, this is my safe space where I write the things that happen in my teaching journey. This is a place to immortalize the things that matter to me. This is where I write some beneficial reminders for myself. This is where I write about all the things that deserve to be eternally remembered—to some extent. Well, sometimes I would just scribble some random rumblings, but still.

The world might seem awfully dreary every so often, but there's still a glint of hope—there are lots of kids who need a good grown-up like you!You see, I've met lots of inspiringly incredible teachers who've self-evidently changed the world for the better. May we be them and may we raise them.

No matter what, kids are the best! :)