who?

back here posting on tumblr but also back here in life traumatized as hell, closeted as hell, barely functioning, zero concept of the future, alone in a room with no one in my life who i can open up to honestly and without fear.

i feel like i know who i am soul deep but i just don’t think i’ll ever get there. like it wasn’t meant to be this go around because i keep ending up right back here.

i essentially haven’t been sober all year and it’s may. i can probably count the sober days on one hand (maybe two). literally the second it turned to 2019 i was rolling perfectly at the perfect rave with my ex and my two best friends and that was my (maybe our) last happy moment. cause then a month later february 1st i broke up with him and told EVERYBODY about how he raped me in october 2017 and then continued to just absolutely fuck with me for over a year. i told everyone, all our friends and he lost everything and that’s not what i wanted for him but it’s what happened. i just couldn’t stop talking about it for awhile. it was a real crisis, a whole big thing and i got a lot of support at first and i was not doing well but i was hopeful.

and then that started to change and i was just fucking things up constantly. constantly declaring out loud to people that “i just need to get my shit together” and then not doing that at all. for months and months. last fall i went back to school and made it my whole entire life in a very capricorn fashion, i had no fun all semester and i finished with a 4.0 and an essay i wrote got picked to be published in a school journal and i decided i was going to major in english and overall i crushed it. but i dropped out of school again in march. 

in april i had to get a protection order against him and blacked out on xanax for two weeks and fucked my life up honestly in many many different areas. that fucking my life up peaked when literally the night before i had to go see him in court at 8am for the hearing i was blacked out and didn’t set my alarms and slept through the hearing. i woke up at noon. thank god he agreed to agree to it or whatever, i barely know what happened because it’s all such a blur, so now i have an order against him for three years but i did not get the closure i needed or expected from the hearing. i still haven’t and i’m still scared. because if he really wanted to do something it’s just a piece of paper and that won’t stop him

now it’s may. after i came home from easter something just broke in me dude. i’ve been stoned as hell every possible second since then, i am high as hell right now lmao just to try to avoid drinking or xanax or coke or whatever. i was fully ready to kill myself last weekend. i fell into some kind of terrible depression trauma hole. i’ve been isolating, cancelling every plan. i just go to work. i’m working at a library again but i’m doing repair work and processing and stuff with old maps this time.

i’m in therapy and about to finally start some pretty intense ptsd treatment on monday. i am optimistic and ready to do the work but it’s going to be hard.

i feel like i know who i am, or i know who the self i want to/need to cultivate is. but i feel like i am constantly buried under trauma. i have been doing so bad. i was going to talk about it but i exhausted myself with all of this lol i lost the words. it’s just endless. endless endless endless. it feels like you can never run out of things to say about trauma.