How the nurses cried

Because you tried to slit your own throat

Because they understood why you’d do that

Because you bled through so many towels and countless tshirts

Before a doctor had to stop the blood flow with their finger in your neck

And I listen carefully to your recount

But it sounds like you are commenting on the weather

A commonplace thing

Nothing out of the ordinary

Everything used to be a lot sharper. I definitely used to be a lot more articulate. It’s kinda peaceful, kinda scary now that everything is dull. I think I just stacked trauma until there was too much to think about and I forgot to hold on to any of it. I used to say ‘everything I’ve ever tried to let go of has claw marks’, as a sort of mantra. The opposite is true now. Everything just slips through.

I feel so different now. I’m certain memories won’t stick like they used to. Mostly I just float through each day, I go through the motions, I do what’s necessary so I won’t sound the alarm. Nothing really touches me.

My body and brain, physically and mentally, will inevitably decline at a rate that has me at an unfair disadvantage. It’s a matter of fact, I’m at the mercy of whatever my own body decides is the next move. I guess I don’t have the energy to have big feelings, not anymore. Just auto pilot. Self-preservation that comes from the human instinct to maintain the will to live, not from any kind of interest in actually living.

A couple of professionals have weighed in thus far:

1. It might be your brain trying to eat itself again (not her exact words). Another, more specialised professional will have to confirm if this is the case.

2. Sometimes, temporarily, the brain stops laying down memories in the permanent place wherein you can call on them when you need them. This is because your brain believes it has more pressing tasks at hand (arguably misguided in my case).

Things I have learned from this: