You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
Excuse me_____, but I haven’t had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.
I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
We’re collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.
I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.
If the ancient Egyptians could move twenty ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.
That’s a beautiful _____ you’re wearing. Great, now we’re both liars.
It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear _____, is how my parents met.
I’ve been in this body all my life, if anything goes wrong I’m the first to hear about it!
Excuse me, have I given you any indication that I care?
No! NO! I will not have a nice day!
When I was a child I used to get over-excited and pet the cat too hard.
I don’t understand how a thermos keeps things both hot and cold.
Isn’t it amazing that I can feel so bad and still look so good?
Cabbage she serves me, in ten minutes I could be sky writing!
Let’s rent adult videos, drink mimosas, and French kiss the pillows!
I passed a kidney stone once that was less painful than this.
May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!
Like I’m the only person that ever mixed a margarita in a sailor’s mouth.
I’m going to get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.
I am upset because I was not the center of attention and nobody said I was the prettiest.
If you want my advice, you should sleep with him.
The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
You know what they say– you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.
There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.
If this sauce were a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.
Old age? You don’t leave fingerprints anymore.
I got the feeling I was the man’s first date that wasn’t inflatable.
When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are she is not after his body.
Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!
Thank you,_______. I’d love to stay, but I hate your mother.
Your heart is the right place, but I don’t know where your brain is.
Is that all you care about? Money and applause?
It’s wonderful dating in Miami. Every single man under eighty sells cocaine.
Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they’ve had their fingerprints changed.
Every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out. I’ve got 5, you want ‘em? A lifetime’s supply.
When pasta sticks to the wall it’s done. When a body sticks to the floor, it’s dead.
Well, there must be homosexuals who date women.
How come whenever my ship comes in it’s leaking?
Why should I deny being in denial? I never said I was in denial, YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don’t you deny it.
You have a hernia, where did you think I was taking you, Trampoline Village?
You’re just too competitive. It’s always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.
Jealousy is an ugly thing. And so are you in anything back-less.
My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call.
Back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
The brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony. ‘Course they can’t mate or the mice would explode…
I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!
You know, back where I come from, everybody thought that once you started shaving your legs, you’d become loose. So I shaved ‘em!
Why don’t I just wear a sign that says, ‘Too Ugly To Live?’
You must be confused. You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to ______ if there’s some grammar you need help with.
The laws in ____ are very stringent. Their motto is ‘Use a gun, go apologize.’
My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
gummygunk
kianamaiart
