The New

I think I need to tell the guy I have been seeing that I may be starting to like him, so we shouldn't see eachother anymore. Lol Makes sense to me, since he doesn't want anything serious. I will only end up hurt in the end. He tells me he is thinking of me, I say "nice:)". Pretty cold.

Well lately I have been seeing multiple people. I guess you would call them casual relationships, all in an effort to avoid getting hurt by anyone. Just don't let them to close. But then you start talking to someone who texts you everyday, good morning, goodnight and actuly seems to care how your day is. It feels nice to have someone possibly give a shit, but then it slowly dwindles and aill most likely disappear eventually. I already know it isn't serious, but it makes me feel sad and lonely. So what to do, avoid it if course and go talk to someone else. Sometimes these sorts of relationships feel freeing and empowering in a way. Younger me would never believe myself. But in the end I just want someone to go to sleep with at night and wants to listen to the silly things I say. I just find it so hard to let myself be that open emotionally with someone anymore. It is easier to just be casual. :/

So I have been  “seeing” this guy, I have been trying not to get myself to emotionally invested for fear of getting hurt. Well you share one sad intimate moment with someone and then you see them differently. Then you end up thinking about them to much, and you know they are not feeling the same way. I can’t tell him how I actually feel so it will just go on as it is or end as I feel it will. They always do. This is why I have been avoid  deep emotional relationships. I always care more.

Caring is the root of all my problems.

So lonely. I just want someone to lay next to me.

People are so disappointing. :(

So I was just thinking to myself. Why am I alone? I am an amazing person, sure I have to lose some weight. But my weight should not be the reason someone doesn't want to be with me. Yet I continue to use it as my excuse for being single. I let people reject me even before I actually get a chance to meet them. I assume they will see me and that's it. Though in my defense it happens a lot. I am working on my weight. Luckily i have mostly maintained the weight I have lost over the last couple of years, give or take a few pounds. Nonetheless I am a beautiful person inside and out. I will not let this keep me alone forever. I am so sick of it! It is funny how sometimes I have this moment if clarity, of a realization. I get this huge boost of confidence, I just wish it would last longer than it normally does. I need to actually love myself. I have hated me for far to long. Though I am perfectly content being alone most of the time, it can get a bit lonely. Goal, stop rejecting myself.

Everyone disappears.