私は彼らにソーセージが好き

Literally have nowhere else to post where my ex won't see but ohmygod this boy is so cute. Too old for him. He gets so flusterered just being told "good job" yet was whimpering for me over video call this morning. Sounds IDENTICAL to Andrew Holland. Is literally my dream femboy. 6'1, huge hands, skinnyyy but loves that I'm chubby, hums classical music to himself, goes mute when I laugh at or with him. So shy yet insanely slutty. I'm losing my mind. Why do I have such a specific type?????? Younger submissive men who love being laughed at and also pathetic and also younger brothers to only sisters and also ohmygod his **** is so perfect I might actually explode. Oh oh and hes also autistic like me. /Lays down/

How am I supposed to keep doing this for another 3 years. How am I supposed to do this for another 10. I hate this. I am so sick of feeling this bad. I don't wanna live but I love him so much. He is the only thing keeping me going. Without him I don't care about anything. I dont wanna go back to school I don't wanna get my masters I don't care about living I don't wanna be here anymore I'm so tired of this. He is the only one who cares. And now he's gone again and I have to keep doing this and keeping up with everything without him here. Why does everyone say it's okay. Why does everyone think I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I SHOULD be hospitalized. I should be forced to be okay. Because all I do now is ruin things . I'm disgusting. Why does he love me. Why does he have to be so amazing and I'm just filth compared to him. I will never be good enough for him even if I try so hard. I just don't want to keep doing this

Quite ready for the end of myself.

What to do when you just fucking hate yourself? He's being so kind and willing with me and I can't deal with it. I feel pathetic and stupid and like all I can ever do is manipulate and hurt and act like a bitch. And now even if I do go along with it and drink, then I will have been dramatic for nothing. I can't back out from not doing it now. Not even because he'd judge me, but because I am judging me. I'm disgusted by myself. Why can't I just be good and not want to be bad? Why do I have to think about drinking all the time? Why do I always want to be high? Nothing is wrong right now. I'm okay. Everything is okay. I just want to feel free for a moment. I want to feel loose and talkative and fun and not the grumpy bitch I always am. But it's not fun to him, it's just awkward and upsetting and gross. I want to stop feeling like myself for however long the booze stays in my system. I know it's my own form of self harm, and that's why I feel guilty about doing it, even though he would keep me from doing it to the point of it becoming self harm. I'm just hurting myself in other ways for now. Ripping chunks out of my hair until my hand is shaking and my head is throbbing with pain. Pinching myself and flicking myself under the blanket until my skin is red and sore. Over eating. Holding my breath too long. I hate myself for it because nothing is wrong and nothing justifies it. The only thing wrong is me. All the things I'd do after he went to bed have stopped. I can't drink until I pass out when he's in the same room as me. I can't get high and pace back and forth, dragging my hands across the wall while crying for 2 hours straight now that he's here. I can't leave any lasting marks because he sees my whole body. I have no reason to be doing these things now that he's here and I still want to and I hate myself for it.