Cruel World

it seems with each passing day life seems less and less worth living. perhaps i have an over idealized version of what life should be in my head, maybe its cause i daydream most the day and really only use movies to show me how life and relationships should look but its as if im just always out of place! like no matter what i do or how much i work on myself, i’m constantly faking everything i say and do and act, like a preprogrammed robotic speech that leaves me wondering if its my voice even coming from my mouth. i’ve always had the belief that once i fall in love i’ll be happy, but the more time that passes the more i drift further and further from that belief which has pushed to the realization that im at now. the realization that nothing will ever amount to the fantasy world i’ve created in my head. and i don’t know if i ever actually want to leave that world... what is the point not to anyways? to settle? to live uncomfortably in the very flesh that hugs my bones? to hate every waking second i drift throughout this life so much so i am constantly reliant on some sort of substance to choke myself slowly with as smoke fills my lungs just to distract or simply suppress the seething anguish inside of me, barely enough to act normal for several hours a day? but at best, that’s all it is, an act. i often wonder if im the only one in the world who feels like this, this isolation and alienation so deeply rooted in yourself that it genuinely terrifies you that may not be like the rest. like you’re hiding this secret not even you know what it is.