I didn’t really know where else to really vent or write anything like this so I guess I’m back to my roots.

I’ve been feeling pretty useless lately.

More useless than normal, anyway. I’ve been up and down a lot over the past year+, I can’t tell when I’ve been worse or better. It all feels awful.

I’ve been feeling like I’ll never amount to anything. Like there’s no point in trying, no point to anything at all any more.

I’ve been trying to work towards leaving my job to continue my career self employed, but I know I will have to suffer some more in my current job I’m able to afford to maintain my self employment. And I wonder what the point even is when I don’t know how much of my business likes me and my quality of service enough to follow me in my next steps. What if it fails? What if it crashes and burns? Or even worse, what if I begin to hate it? What if I let all my clients down by leaving the industry? What if I want something else with my life?

My room is constantly a mess. Has been since I was old enough to be able to create it. I so want to be organised, and I want to uphold an organised living space but I just seem too useless to be able to do so. Every time I clean my room (which is every 6-12 months+) I never seem to be able to finish it and it just slips back into its previous horrible, near-inhabitable state. I think of all the things I could buy to keep everything in its place but then I think, what is the point, really, when it’s just going to go back to the way it was before anyway?

I used to feel good about myself. I used to feel sexy, attractive, confident, even if I had the odd bad day. I can’t remember the last time I tried to take a nice picture of myself. Whenever I go out with my friends I’m so aware that I am the largest one out of everyone. I can never find any going out clothes that I like that aren’t dark coloured, and my casual clothes are always the same dull colours. I can’t bring myself to exercise as much as I should and I’m always eating bad food to make me feel better about myself.

I’m terrified about the future because I so want to have my own house but I’m scared that I’ll either never have money to spend on myself or that I’ll end up in debt. I’m scared I won’t ever be able to support a house as well as me and all my other outgoing payments each month by myself and will always rely on someone else to help me out.

I’m scared that I won’t ever move in with my boyfriend or move forward in our relationship, because he wants children in the future so badly and I can’t ever see myself wanting them. I’m scared that this will break us up and that I won’t be enough. I hate that I push him away more and more each day and I dread the day he sees how much better off without me he is.

I feel like I only have 3 friends who truly care about my wellbeing. My work colleagues only show me any interest during my working hours. No one cares about anyone and there’s barely any motivation within the team. I don’t feel like I can be myself around them and that I have to keep my head down and mouth shut when I step foot in work.

I can’t help but feel like I’m being attacked and that I’m disliked by everyone around me. I take everything so personally and I try not to care what other people think of me but it hits me so hard.

My oldest cat is dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish we had spent more time together, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

I constantly and regularly think about suicide. I told my doctor I wanted to kill myself over the phone and she told me to either go back on my medication or pick up a leaflet from reception. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I feel like one day I’m really going to crack and no one will really give a fuck.

I don’t know what I feel like I’m going to gain from writing this. I don’t expect anyone to read it.