DARK HOUR

So recently, I’ve gained a lot of weight. Like, a lot of weight. And im gonna be honest, I know it isn’t healthy, and I know I should probably shed some pounds off, and should probably start eating healthier. The thing is, I already know that. I am already so aware of the pressure and the importance our society puts in beauty and making weight the standard of it. I already do so much because I’ve heard it from so many people, so many times. I’ve heard it from my own mother, my own friends, my own mother. I came home late today and she scolded me telling me that my friends were bad influences saying that I gained weight because of them. She was accusing me of “turning bad” because of the weight I have gained, becoming ugly, so ugly, like, she literally emphasized how ugly I am because of my weight. And the things is, i’m so accustomed of being fat-shamed that I have gotten used to it already but having to hear all of it, all in one sitting, was way too much to take. In all honesty, I, myself am not fond of my weight right now and as much as I want to say that im proud, im not. Not because im fat, no. because im not healthy. People weigh more than others becasue of genetics, or an illness but me, i just really eat too much and don’t exercise. I do wanna trim down but I know that I can do it without needing to hear the negativity of the people around me and it hurts. I can’t believe my weight was just compared to my value as a person. That the fatter I am, the less I value. I can’t believe that just happened. From my own mom but who else would say that, right? I guess everyone says it behind my back, she just had the balls to say it in front of my face (: