im doing good! you know. besides the underlying feeling that I'm fundamentally incapable of fitting in in a society. besides that i'm chillin
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@bruisedarchives
im doing good! you know. besides the underlying feeling that I'm fundamentally incapable of fitting in in a society. besides that i'm chillin

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Untamed in a place you donât belong
The best ship dynamic is actually just. "I love you and it terrifies me. I'm terrified how much I need you and how much I want you to need me. I'm terrified I'm no good for you and I'm going to hurt you and ruin you and I'm terrified of how I feel when you're around me but I can't bear to push you away completely because I'm terrified to be without you so now we're stuck in limbo and that's terrifying too. I'm terrified that if I lost you now it'd destroy me and I'm terrified that it's too late to do anything about it. I love you. And it's terrifying."
KYLE "GAZ" GARRICK Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III (2023)

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on call
dont flirt with me cus ima flirt back and you gon catch feelings & im not
ã 01. đąđ¤đĢđ đŗđ¨đŽđđ˛đ§đ¨đ¯đ˛ & đ§đ¤đ đąđŗđĄđąđ¤đ đĒ ã
đēđđģđ´'đ đĩđ¸đđđ đ°đŊđŗ đžđŊđģđ   long-term relationship was with a man by the name of Rooney and began shortly before his graduation from secondary school, after an extensive period of friendship, spanning nearly the entirety of his schooling â¸ģ and not long after his official, tense, coming out. It was a timid, uncertain, but sweet affair; a chaste kiss on the cheek and a whispered confession under the shade of a courtyard tree, where no eyes cared enough to turn their way. It was perhaps the happiest Kyle had been in his life up until that point: a best friend and longtime crush become lover â¸ģ truly the ideal dream for most, no ?
Following the rather lukewarm response from his parents to his coming out, Rooney became the closest thing he had to a home where Kyle felt he could be his truest, most honest self. After his enlistment, Kyle's visits home were most spent in his company, when his family didn't absolutely demand his attention ( which typically only truly happened around holidays and his birthday ). Despite their clear and vocal disapproval, Kyle's parents didn't, and still don't, love or respect him any less, treating Rooney with the kindness and respect that they would a partner of the opposite sex ... on the surface; the undercurrent of discomfort still hung faint and unspoken in the room around them anytime Kyle would bring Rooney to visit â¸ģ which, needless to say, was not often, despite most visits passing pleasantly, well, even.
Despite the feelings of his parents, Kyle's extended family ( those Kyle's age and younger, at least ) took to Rooney like fire to a pyre, melding him into the family as if he belonged. It was peaceful. It was comfortable. Soon enough, the disapproval of Kyle's parents began to roll off his shoulders when the majority of his family was present, only the small, intimate visits weighing with discomfort.
For years, their relationship remained strong and even grew stronger. They kept in contact regularly, Kyle making sure to phone him whenever he was free and able, texting while he wasn't actively working or otherwise engaged. The distance stung, but it was bearable. After just two years of service, they were able to afford a flat together, with Rooney responsible for his own necessities while Gaz was away. Shortly after Gaz's promotion to sergeant, he was able to afford not only a larger, nicer flat, but he was also able to pay the rent on his own, leaving Rooney to finally focus on university and work part time to afford necessities and spending money. A risky arrangement, but Kyle trusted Rooney more than he trusted anyone in the world; he'd never do anything to hurt him.
Oh, how foolish he had been.
Shortly after elimination of Roman Barkov and the threat of a chemical warfare terrorist attack, Kyle took the awarded leave with a mix of exhaustion at his first true operation away from the homeland and sense of accomplishment from a successful, if bittersweet, mission, prepared to not only surprise Rooney at home ( and off his apologies for the extended period of little to no contact ), but to share the news â¸ģ as much of it as he was legally allowed, at least â¸ģ with the one person he wanted to see most. But what greeted him upon arrival was not the smiling, pleasantly surprised face of his lover, but the face of that lover, sweating and white as a sheet as he was caught red handed with another man in their bed.
Kyle had wanted to rage, he'd wanted violence ( he'd wanted bloodshed ) â¸ģ but he did none of them. Instead, he'd simply turned on his heel and left, ignoring the shouts of his name, the half-assed apologies ( lies, his brain had hissed ), and gotten back into his car, driving until his vision was too blurry to clearly read the traffic signs, until he had no choice but to let out all of the emotion bubbling, boiling, BURNING in his chest, poisoning his insides like venom. His outburst was violent, noisy, and so distinctly out of character, he was somewhat relieved he was alone. He needed a new phone by the end of it, smashed and broken beyond repair in a fit of rage at the repeated, insistent calls from the last person he ever wanted to hear from again ( did he even want him alive ? ).
He'd stayed in a hotel that night, gotten a new phone and a new number the next morning. And just a few short hours later, the fee was paid for an early termination of his lease, and his valuables were removed from the flat while Rooney was in class, only a note left behind explaining how much time he had to vacate the premisis, and to sell anything in the flat he didn't wish to keep ( and a thinly veiled threat of what would happen, should he ever attempt to contact him again ).
He'd spent the rest of the day with his parents â¸ģ who, thankfully, had very little to say about the abrupt end to his relationship other than offering their sympathy for his broken heart â¸ģ and the evening and night drinking with the cousins that were available on such short notice.
The next morning, Kyle was back at base. Five days early.

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saying my name is so intimate why would you do that to me
My problem is I never healed I just kept going
JOHN WICK (2014) dir. Chad Stahelski

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Daredevil Resurrection | 3.01