Y/N: Yes?

Tim: What’s your ideal type?

Y/N: A guy that doesn’t talk to me.

-

Tim, later in the hallway:

Dick: Your first reaction was to bite him?!

Y/N (in her mind): He looks like he got punched…

Jason, oblivious and still trusting: Hey, do that half-face makeup thing they do on magazines! I want to see the before and after!

Y/N, nervous: O-Okay. I’ll do one of your cheeks, then.

Cassandra, worried but trying to be optimistic: You can really tell you’re wearing makeup when you put on blush. It’s nice!

[Y/N puts blush on Jason’s cheek, then she and Cassandra both pause when they see the result]

Y/N (in her mind): Now he looks like he got punched twice…

Jason, happily: How do I look?

Y/N: You look… cute.

Dick, as Officer Grayson, excitedly: Really? You got me a present? Um… ten!

Dick: Not my biggest organ. [winks]

Damian: C-H-A-U-F-F-E-U-R.

Damian: Oh, no, no, we’re just— we’re just friends.

Y/N: Eww!

Damian: 🧍‍♂️

[Act One]

Jason, as Red Hood, holding a note: Read it right this time. No funny business.

Y/N: Don’t you mean “no funny businesses”? And I did read it right. It said “businesses,” that’s what it said. You never told me to improv the note.

Jason, laughing in disbelief: Oh, improv! What are you, Meryl-fucking-Streep? Okay, improv it. [crumples the note and throws it away]

Y/N, even more sassier: These sexually frustrated degenerate losers mean business.

Roy, as Arsenal, still aiming his arrow at Y/N’s head: Don’t— don’t improv the note. Don’t improv the note.

[Act Two]

Jason, as Red Hood, holding a note: Read this.

Y/N: “Father…” [backs away in fear when Roy (as Arsenal) points his bow a little too close]

Jason: [pushes Roy away from her]

Y/N: “Father, I have been abduct. I am fine.”

Jason: Abducted.

Y/N: It says “abduct.”

Jason: Just say “abducted.”

Y/N: “I have been abducted. I am fine right now, but I might not be for [sassily] loring. If you do not pay the sun of one million doolers [laughs]…”

Jason: Wait a minute, wait a minute… “loring”? “The sun of one million doolers”? What the— [reads the note himself]

Y/N: That’s what it says!

Jason: That’s “long” and “the sum of one million dollars”! You know what it means!

Y/N: I don’t know what it means. You told me to read this. That’s what I’m doing.

Jason: Just say what it means! Okay? [holds the note towards her again]

Y/N, rolls eyes: “I might not be for long. If you do not pay the sum of one million dollars, you will never see me alive again. These men mean businesses.” [laughs] Who wrote this?

Roy: I told you letting Bizarro write the note is a bad idea.

Penguin, pointing a gun at her: Shut up, kid! You’re lucky I don’t hit girls!

Y/N: Me neither… but for you I’d make an exception~ OHHHHHHH!

Jason, as Red Hood, tied up next to her: OHHH!

Penguin: Enough!

Dick, on his phone: Fine. Now, let’s go.

Y/N: Fine? I need gorgeous. [goes back upstairs] I’m changing.

Damian: Are they unconscious?

Y/N: They didn’t look before crossing, but don’t blame them, they feel bad enough about it.

Damian: Where did the accident happen?

Y/N: By The Bowery McDonald’s, but they’re not there now. They walked off cause everyone was staring. They couldn’t bear it!

Damian: Okay. Did you follow them?

Y/N: …Yeah.

Damian: Can I talk to them?

Y/N: Yeah, you are doing that.

Damian: Tt. Yeah, I thought so.

Y/N: [groans]

Damian: Beloved, are you in pain!?

Y/N: No, I’m just so fucking embarrassed! Everyone was looking!

Damian: Have you broken anything?

Y/N: I don’t know… probably. What do you care?

Damian: Tt. What do you want me to do exactly?

Y/N: Call for an ambulance. No sirens, please. Unmarked ambulance if poss.

Damian: Only the goons have them.

Y/N: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Damian: Excuse me?

Y/N: Shh, no! Please, be quiet. People are looking for me.

A bystander: Ah, look, there she is! [pointing at her] She’s crying! Look, she’s crying!

Tim, frantically sitting up and opening his laptop, trying to look busy: I am not in bed—

Y/N: That’s a bed.

Tim: —I am in my office.

Y/N: That’s a bed.

Jason: If you leave me, I will kill myself.

Y/N: Yeah, cool. I love you too.

James: I want to stay with you. In your room. In your bed.

Y/N: It was good! Some guy called me cute today, though.

Damian: Well, I can’t blame him, he’s right.

Y/N: Aww! Thanks for not being jealous, babe. I’ll see you later today.

Damian: Okay, beloved, I’ll see you later. [hangs up and drops his smile] Sorry about that. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you—I don’t know why I just lied, I am going to hurt you. I guess I was just trying to… comfort you, but that’s not why we’re here, is it? But you must have known at some level that this was going to happen?

The guy who called Y/N cute, all tied up: