Eunhwa

I’m a no chat no calls no rumor no news means good news. My people pleasure ass fortunately only can handle request, not with maintaining good relation through the day haha. I treat people with those kind of attitude so I thought that I might get the same from people LOL so emotionless.

But again that attitude is mine toward everybody, there are lot of people with difference kind of attitude and compassion toward our relationship.

She asked me “are you still alive?” and I just got confused with the question. 

Been there 3 years ago actually wkwk, just disappeared without any notice with 0 online presence including chat and personal message for months. But this time I made an announcement that I’ll leave social media for approximately a month than COMEBACK STRONGER 🙏🙏🙏 (With thesis done, job, many good news amen). Therefore I thought that what everybody know is I’m good and just trying to get back to life as a normal human being not as a child living in her bubble, daydreaming all day long pretend that all is well and no one can harm my happiness. But that’s not the fact that I actually face right now. I’ve been refusing the concept of adulting for a too long period, so yea let’s get back to what supposed to get down. More and more session with myself, nurturing my supper messy mind, caressing my homework that much overdue wkwk. 

Dear my friend, though I’m not on your radar and you might thought that I’m not the same person as you met before since I’m lack of chat and we got lacked of communication, I’m still your friend from the past actually. I just can’t communicate well with the online thing and I thought that personally online communication without context will annoyed you so ya. If you guys had something to say just got me, I’m only one message away hehe

I realized something after I shutdown my (regular) social media, and I feel like I need to untangled the feeling by writing some rumble rant.

I was a hardcore active person in the past, during elementary and junior high school I guess. I read tons of book, I’ve done tons of sport and extra activity on school, I always packed with tons of activity throughout the year, but I do those thing because I want them. I usually read out of curiosity. I do all of the thing because I know I want them. I only do the the things that got me excited. I became ambitious to achieve something because I want it, I appreciate and cherish all of my hard work because of ME. All of the thing that I’ve done was self driven. I almost never regret what I’ve done because I know I want them. Though I might want spotlight but it is all on me, because I want it. I also might doing stupid thing and lie during that time but it’s all because of myself. I know, I want them. 

But the thing changed during high school. The time when I got extremely disappointed, by the world. The time when I started thinking that I’m not enough because I can’t achieve something that I want. The thing that she’s done extremely getting my nerves and creates my first bubble to escape reality. 

I’m in the urge to become people favorite person

I started doing things because of people. The excitement of doing something gone once people turned their back, though I’ve been doing the thing since forever. I’m getting my obsession toward people. I no longer had time for myself since all of my time was dedicated for the society. I declared that to release my stress I just need people. I tend to do something pleasant and will excite more during conversation. It might be sounds a little too much but for REAL I’m obsessed to be impressed. I always lie to myself and looking so much alternative to find my dignity. I tend to think some of my failure during that time not that seriously because I’ve achieved something more better, being people favorite. I always say yes if any of my friend needs help. I always throw myself into some activity that most of the people might don’t pay much attention about that activity. I kinda lost my ability to choose wisely, rationally. All I can do was manipulate myself more and more by days to build my self esteem.

The day I started to read book again, I find my long lost self driven motivation.

I finally read again, with my will and find my real “me time” again. I don’t need people rather real or in social media, just me and the book (sometimes music included). I could reflect more and more by creating my solitude. I finally, alone again after a long time. I enjoy myself alone lost in the book world after a long time. My solitude moment give me more productive mind to work. It helps me focus doing the thing that I don’t really like actually because I know that after all this thing gone, I can do the thing that I like more. I can define the hardship as a process and a phase, not as a total failure and define myself as a stinky trash asshole human being. 

Maybe this is the thing that I need for this time being that I could not realize before. Hope this happiness will last forever, not just a phase. 

Anyway this is my reading challenge for 2023 ~~ Wish me luck!

Well hello people~

My friend told me that she start a diary writing in english for the past few months and oh my god I ever doing that, though failed. For that reason I want to do the same to track my mood and giving some encourage for myself to live happily. 

3 July 2021

Well 2021 indeed really fast happen. 6 months has been spent not really well but okay. In this new beginning I hope that my sanity will arouse and giving me much more strength to live. Did you know, recently I got attached by Grey’s Anatomy series. I rarely watch western series since korean drama has already handful to watch. Grey’s Anatomy brings much lesson and good value then making me think about how I obey human and myself as a human. I learned about adolescence, responsibility, integrity, being honest, and many more. The way they deliver the story is so realistic and sometimes gave me some goosebumps. Being a surgeon is indeed hard but they saved a life, everyday. Though they might lost a life, but they save more. Ah, anyway I just watch 5 episode from season 1 but Grey’s Anatomy already has 17 season, such an early for a judgement actually. Hope we’re going well. See you for the next impression.

I was on fight with my mother last sahoor, because she always said that please eat the rest, so we're not left the food, but it's every day hey I give the narration at the first ramadhan that I'm not eating rice while sahoor but she always make those excuse everyday to make me eat rice, wtf.

We're not talking all day till I used to ask something at 5 pm. Haha, sick. I hate that I used to apologize. She's not even give me any explanation about her cheating. She's slut. Literally.

Last time we met in Wonogiri I found that she change her cheating partner. He is fucking bitch said that my mother can be raped by her brother what the fuck, he's insane. And sadly when it happen I click the call button on his profile and figures by my mother slut but she pretend like nothing happen as same as me, sick.

SHE'S SLUT

I can't believe. But it happen. Since 2017. She always cheating. Everyday. And she knows that I know. But still, being slut with those innocent face.

Did she knows that it breaks me into pieces? It drowned me into a never ending sea.

But it's not all of sudden. At first, around 2016, I'm totally fine. After crying in miss reisa's room. Crying with my bestie after laughing out loud that we have the same fate. Chilling around seeing that I have so much people around with me and support me, not only her.

It happen when I'm facing it alone. In eid al fitr 2019 I figure that she's not even moving. I've already gives the ultimatum by a letter. And at first she gets better and I think that she knows that I know and she consider my thought. But it just a joke, it just my fantasy. When I figure that out in 2019 I start to destruct myself. I wanted to disappear all day. I start self harming. I stop believing god, I stop praying. I stop believe in people. I stop all of my chorus in everything. I just sleep and eat every day. It also combined with my burn out situation after a very hectic semester with 14 organization. And it started. My never ending mental illness.

It took a month to comeback to the real world. I came up again in July after vacuum in the whole june, with a stable condition handling everything. But I was broke again in Oktober. Until I can do everything again in February. Then I'm burning out again in this time. Haha, suck.

That's my argument why I diagnosed myself as a bipolar. Bipolar has a period. Manic and depressive. And it kinda happen to me. When I start working I can do anything in a very limited time. I can wake up over night for doing a very ambitious working. But also I can just breathing and sleeping and eating all day long and can't even thinking, about everything.

AAAK I'M CRAZY

Lastly this is out of context above ekek. Someone said that meditation is good for ur mental health. But for me, meditation is suck. What I feel during meditation it's the opposite that the use of meditation. It increase my pace, I start trembling all over my body, it gives me scare. I don't know what it is. But you know psychologist is expensive af, so I just wait until I get back to Jogja and use free service on campus wkwk.

Sick. I do a self diagnose, i lied that I'm allegedly a bipolar patient. It's out of control. This jerk is trying to avoid everything in this world. Why? Why I always made an excuse? Why I can't do anything? Why????

But you know when someone I tell knows that I'm a bipolar then she starts comparing herself with me and it suck. I don't want to hear anything, I just want her to understand and give me space. I just want to hear that ok take it easy, we can handle it, but she gives all of her chorus and things then she said do it one by one. But fuck I can't even understand everything my brain stop running what you wish? Bitch, I'm an ugly narcissistic btch, seeking for attention fuck, i can't help, i hate myself, like i just want to dissapear.

I wanna tell you a story about a jerk, coward, and lazy person called Nabilla. She is about has no motivation to do anything then she lefts everything behind. Not doing any chorus except the academic. Even academic she didn't make it well. You know many people needs her. She's a fucking multi talent person wkwk. But then, she can't handle herself. She lost. This happen like thousands time and she's confidently just sayin that it just a moment, nothing special, she can overcome everything. Not a false, but also not true.

She said that she can't solve everything. The problem is not from her so she can't do anything. She's afraid. She has trust issues. Can't trust anyone even psychologists. Unlucky her. If she can't solve this tangled problematic mind, she'll suffer in her entire life. But she also doesn't has any idea for this.

Nago said that if you know something wrong happens with you it means that you know, but afraid, or being persistent. Yes. She's afraid of change. She overthink everything. She hates difficult consequences. She hates high risk decision. That's why she just pretend, standing still alone in the middle of the storm.

She really needs to wake up. She should chase her dream, she should spread happiness.

Ok, she's tired. She needs a break. She's easily overwhelmed. But its not an excuse, she knows. But how? She has no solution.

Regard,

She

After joining mental health issues discussion with Jiemi Adrian, Nago, and mons youth on gmeet, inspiring yet slap my soul wkwk.

26 April 2020

idk since when i stopped writing a post here :v Really miss my lovely journal uuu /? Every time i open my tumblr i just scrolling my feed then done ahahah

Let’s enjoy a new journey~

Please welcome.. 

Hahaha this noon i’m going to get an arabic test. my teacher already gives us the best review he can. he told us so many things inside the test. but still.... it’s hard. during my previous test i thing that my answer is right but no. it’s confusing in many ways.  i don’t know why. well i actually like arabic... elementary, junior high i love arabic. because i think arabic is very simple just change the dhamir or remembering the vocabulary. But now everything is getting worse and boring.well.

 okey done this is just some stress thing inside my head. 

Review film presentation