Un jour, on en rira.

Avant je voulais être aimée de tous, être l’amie de tous ceux que je rencontrais. Je me sentais mal quand je n’arrivais pas à créer de lien avec des personnes de qui je voulais être proche. Je me demandais ce que je faisais de mal, qu’est ce qui en moi pouvait les repousser? Pourquoi au final ça ne collait pas? Pourquoi ces personnes créaient des liens avec d’autres personnes souvent proche de moi?

Avec le temps j’ai compris.

J’ai compris que la vie est comme un train, qu’à des arrêts on peut perdre de vu de personnes de qui on était super proche, des personnes qui pour nous étaient destinées à rester près de nous pour toujours peut être. Qu’également à ces différents arrêts on peut rencontrer de nouvelles personnes, ou même des personnes de notre passé qu’on ne connaissait pas ou même qu’on admirait de loin.

J’ai compris qu’il fallait laisser au temps le temps d’apporter à notre vie des personnes à des moments où nous sommes prêts à les recevoir. J’ai également compris que c’est okay de ne pas être l’amie de tous. C’est okay de ne pas être aimée de tous.

Le plus important c’est de s’aimer soit même, d’être en accord avec soi. D’être la meilleure version de soi. D’être une bonne personne, qui a de la considération pour les autres, qui est aimable, bref une personne que j’aurai aimé connaître.

Le syndrome du bon enfant c est;

L’enfant qui fait tout bien à la maison, qui est un bon élève, qui fait les tâches ménagères sans qu on lui demande, qui se tient correctement et ne fait pas de bêtises. C est l’enfant qu on peut présenté aux autres comme une fierté .

C’est l’ami parfait, celui qu’on a pas honte de présenter à ses parents , celui qu’on déteste souvent parque nos parents et prof utilisent souvent comme exemple. C est l ami toujours disponible, celui qui a peur de blesser l autre, celui à qui on peut tout demander parcqu’il ne dira jamais non.

C’ est le collaborateur parfait, celui qui est toujours disponible. Celui qui se plie en 4 pour rendre les travaux bien faits et dans les temps. Celui à qui on peut tout confier sans crainte.

C’est le partenaire qui se conforme à l’autre, il est toujours là même quand il ne se sent pas valorisé ou assez aimé, heureux. Il donne tout à l’autre pour qu’ il soit heureux.

Hey lord,you know I’m tired…

Hey lord, I’m out of breath

I've been telling you for a long time that I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it for long

I feel like I’m always behind on everything, out of sync with what I’ve always wanted, stuck in a cycle of perpetual restarts, constant questioning, and endless doubt.

What I’ve always wanted is actually quite simple. To have a foundation, a family I can rely on, count on, and turn to without having to keep my guard up. To have friends with whom I can share experiences, but it seems I’m not capable of making any because I rarely have opportunities to socialize, and the ones who approach me are mostly men looking only for relationships. To have a loving, loyal partner with whom I can build my life. Someone who will love me and be a support for me, as I am for them—often too quickly. In relationships, I often feel like I give too much too soon, leaving the other person with no need to make any effort to get what they want. And then I get hurt because things don’t turn out as I wish: when they don’t give me what I want, when they don’t make me feel special in the way I hope. As somenone said " Why would he change, if he gets what he want anyways"

This leaves me in doubt, unsure of what to do, seeing no change even when I express my needs. The only options are to accept it or to leave. Accepting it, knowing it doesn’t suit me? Knowing it makes me bitter? Or leaving and starting over, with the constant feeling of wasting time, wearing myself out in relationships, exhausting myself by opening up and smiling to others.

So, I remain here, doubting myself, my judgment, my emotions, wondering if I’m asking for too much, asking myself what to do, and not knowing where to go to find answers.

Letting go is the only thing I can do to feel better.

Finally your are getting married on our one year breakup anniversary with someone new. When i read the new i fell like the moment you tell me you were in relationship with someone after us. I felt paralysed, i couldnt really breath cause i was still hoping that you tell me we could start again, that you loved me no matter what and whatever you familly ll say but it wasnt that. I could have think about so much things like : he dont love me anymore, i 'm not enough for him, he's seing another person who suit him more but i said just ok, i was the end of us. My world disappeared cause we were the only stable thing i ever had, i put all my effort in us even if i didnt received everthing i wanted, you were enough for me, the familly i wanted to create, the happiness i wanted to have, to give. I was about to be everything you need, everything you want cause the love, peace, stability, support our relation gives me was everything i ever want.

I dont know why i m still hurt by your engagment , i though i give up on us but the thing is that i never gave up on what we meant for me. Lately, i dream every night about u, your marriage and it hurtful, i dont know how to stop my heart and my mind overthinking.

I saw her once, she 's beautiful, she look kind, smart, pious, in good shape everthink i ever wanted to be.

Honeslty i want to desapear, to leave this area, leave this country, to go somewhere no one know me, somewhere this dosnt hurt me , i want to really forget, really vanish you from my mind, to never have to meet you again.

Everytime i ask myself if i will ever have a beautiful endgame, be happy, have this family with a lovely husband and beautiful and joyful kids. I just want to know that this shit worth , that i m not in this agnony for nothing.

Now I understand why I act the way I do and choose my people.

Since my childhood , I understand that if I want to be wanted, have a place , be considered as worthy I had to be the best, be the first at school, wake up early to do homework, the clean, the cook and so on.

I had to deserve congratulations, gift, kindness.

I never feel like I could ask legitimately things like gift, money for not obligatory thing. I had to deserve, I had to be the kindest, the one who work the most, the most available.

So I grew up as someone who only rely on herself. I hardly demand things, gift,money to other. Why would they give this to me? I don’t feel worthy enough .

I alway choose guy who seems to provide me stability, the one who show that they care about me. I never ever ask them any thing. I surely try to prove that I m worthy by cleaning, cooking , making their household.