i like me

It’s more than than.  Think of it like, I don’t know… A really elaborate prom, and girls are presented to society.  It’s a really old tradition to do, but all the women in my family were debutants.  As for a date… I’ll keep you posted.

Oh. Alright, yeah I have heard bits and pieces about it. Sounds like a blast, except not. ...wait, what?

I’ve had about a dozen freshmen and sophomore boys try and ask me to take them as my Cotillion date, and I have to say it; seeing the looks of disappointment really is gratifying.  

Awe, turned them down because you want me to ask you? Except I don’t know what Cotillion is. Other than you dress up and go to a party. Which is like, the same thing as everything else most people around here do.

Well, in spite of what the weather seems to think, spring has indeed sprung. To celebrate, next Saturday I’m hosting a sleepover; I hope all of you lovey ladies enjoyed your gifts. Gentlemen, I suggest you try to find something to entertain you for the night–preferably something legal, as it is going to be a No Boy Zone.

This is sexist and I’m offended. I’m kidding. Wait, what kind of gifts are you ladies getting? If it’s a good gift, I might take it back and be offended again.

You wish.

I don’t gotta. It’s a thing. Accept it. I know you run the SLA club. Sam Lover’s Anonymous. Except it’s not so anonymous.  

Really, dude? I don’t like green beans. I’m more a spinach guy. Of course, man. I get Jolly Green Giant. The Big Friendly Giant. Sasquatch. Don’t get me started on rumors. You know how much I hate ‘em. Gossip Squirrel is always in everyone’s koolaid. It’s ridiculous. It’s impossible to deny what she says because she has those damn sources that nobody knows.

Spinach is good, too, I’m not saying green beans are the ultimate veggie. Those insults are from the 90s, dude. They should be more creative. Yeah, for sure. Thing is, people worship her and send her these rumors. Maybe if they stopped, she would have nothing to do but to shut up.

Guess the Fashion Police wouldn’t have anything on me.

I think you’d be in charge of the Fashion Police.

you're a virgin that can't drive

[PM] Of course not. But that still doesn’t answer the question; do you want to get with this or not? You’re trying my patience.

[PM] That’s.... but.. you’re pregnant? When I told you I’d help you out I didn’t think it would be that way.

I don’t think I will actually.

You love me.

Exactly, man. It’s like when people call me The Jolly Green Giant. Like dude, you got your insult from a can of green beens. You’re not clever. And it’s not even true. Because I’m not green. If they’re gonna insult, it should be true. Like they could say your hair’s floppy.

For the record, green beans are the shit, but I totally get where you’re coming from. People still use that line on you? Yeah, dude, but you know this school with the rumors. They hear something and suddenly it’s a thing and the thing becomes such a big thing that people actually think it’s true because it’s been such... a thing.

you're a virgin that can't drive

[PM] Ah, I see. So you’re not an idiot that’s saying no, you’re just an idiot who has no idea what an innuendo is. Interesting.

[PM] I didn’t wanna assume anything. Either I’m a perv who’s reading into words too much or I’m an idiot for not picking up on it. Either way, I would have lost this battle.

What can I say, I’m a fan of linguistics.

Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

you're a virgin that can't drive

[PM] … Are you kidding me? Really?

[PM] .... I’m very confused.

No, I won’t go all crazy soccer mom shopping at Payless and spotting the “perfect pair of shoes for the PTA meeting and they’re mine, beotch, back off” on you.

That was super descriptive, but I got the point and I appreciate it.

But are you sure it was insult? I mean you said it’s not true and it’s clearly a movie quote, so maybe it was a joke? Lucky you. You aren’t missing anything She was Batgirl in Batman and Robin with George Clooney, one of my least favorite Bruce Waynes.. and I love Bruce… anyway that whole movie was kind of a shit show… but yeah I still own it.

Everything around here is an insult, especially when you’re a dude from Brooklyn. Besides, it could be believable. Yeah, I’ve seen the movie, I just didn’t realize it was her, but I don’t pay much attention to the actors or actresses, I guess. Do you collect Superhero movies or just Batman stuff? Like, it was a Batman movie so you had to gave it even if it was crap?

If you say so.

At the very least, you won’t attack me with your heel?

you're a virgin that can't drive

[PM] I’m sure you could drive me around for awhile.

[PM] Or I could just show you my license.

Fine.  But I give you a day before you’re back to being only a slight annoyance.  it’s your nature.

Take that back, I’m a delight.