𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 / 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭 !

Sleep, it didn’t come easy for Brooke as of late. Her head was spinning with the things she learned from her mother a few weeks prior and now that her and Peyton couldn’t sleep in the same room, it was like she couldn’t relax. That meant she was awake for hours before the grocery opened, but the second it was open, she was there, resume in her hand. Not that she had any experience at all, but she figured she would try. Since the girl had angrily quit dance, she didn’t have much to do so this was the next best thing. After she handed it in to the manager, she was meant to wait for a quick interview but after being denied the job, she began wandering around the store, until she slammed into someone, eyes finally lifting from the floor.  “Aunt Syd, shit... I’m sorry.” God, she really didn’t know what to say or even what was going on in her family anymore. “Are you okay?

——

Beth smiled at familiar faces as she exited the restaurant, the action more automatic than anything— her mind was far more occupied with getting Brooke out of Chez Naomi. They finally made it to the side-walk, and she felt herself beginning to relax, only to pause at the mention of their mother. Anger and frustration threatened to bubble up within her at the anxiety their mother had created in Brooke. It wasn’t right, and Brooke shouldn’t feel like this just for being who she is— especially about their own mother.

“If she says anything, we can shut her down. And don’t spend too much time agonizing over it Brooke—  if you feel like you need to speak to her, speak to her. But, you need to remember that she makes her own decisions, and her decisions aren’t a reflection of your worth, but of her ideas, okay?” Her head was bent towards her sister, her back facing the street as if she was trying to protect Brooke from any and every prying eye. “If you want me to talk to her, I can too, but you have to do what’s best for you.” She tugged her younger sister into a warm and tight hug— and god, it felt like yesterday that she’d been running with Brooke in the park, playing in the grass. “I love you, okay? No matter what. And I know you love mom, and I know deep down you want her to be happy for you, but you have to think of yourself, and Peyton, first.”

Nerves, nerves, nerves. Her anxiety wasn’t fully over Emily herself, it was over everyone, the looks, the stares. Maybe Brooke liked being the centre of attention but, when she danced or when the family was getting the good kind of attention, she didn’t want the negativity, she hated it. All of it, the attention she was getting now made her feel small. Everything was just different now and she knew it, yet, her sisters words had come to calm her down just in the slightest.

“Okay, okay. Her ideas, it’s just her ideas.” But yet she felt anxious, sick. “I don’t want to talk to her, I can’t talk to her, I’ll just get angry again.. I know I will. But I don’t want you to talk to her either, she’ll just make things worse, she’s.. kinda unhinged, I never noticed it until recently but I don’t want her to be mean to you, not like how she was to me.” The skin on her wrist was barely bruised any longer, but she didn’t want to have her sister to have to suffer through the truth. Gripping tightly to the others jacket, she whimpered, nodding her head into her sisters shoulder. “Peyton and Piper, they’ve been so nice to me, Beth.. but can you.. maybe tell mom that I miss her or something? And dad too, if you see him?”

The anger towards his wife wasn’t present now, and all he felt was just sadness. Hopeless sadness with no answers to give himself, let alone anyone else. He hated himself for wishing Emily were here to help explain. The explanation she gave him did nothing to ease him though so he supposed that would have done little to help now. “No, no I don’t want you to tell her. Just, maybe be there when I do? You’re going to need each other more than ever.” He didn’t know if there would be a divorce- it depended on if he could live with what Emily had done. The jury was still out with the judge, pun intended. He finally pulled her back to look in her eyes. “Promise me that none of this will separate you.” He would die or burn it all down before he allowed the same Ashworth pressure to come between Brooke and Beth like it had him and his former brother.  

“Beth is my best friend, dad.. it’s not like you and Charles.” She almost spat out the name, her teeth chattering together as she did. She couldn’t imagine losing Beth, breaking apart like he and her uncle had. Maybe she was imagining it though, maybe when you became a full fledged adult, things changed, maybe like was just like this and you were meant to be broken hearted. “I promise nothing will happen to us, we’re good. Even if that means that our family sucks, Beth will have me and I’ll have her. Always.”

Piper had feelings about Breyton (as she’d been referring to them in her head) and all of them were positive. How could she think anything else of her daughter’s first love? The romantic in her had been waiting for her daughter to experience it, the same way that her own teenage years had been filled with dreams of the elusive one and when her own love story would come to fruition. Her own love life might be in taters, the man she’d proclaimed to be her soulmate only a year ago seeming never having loved her at all, but she could only feel excitement that Peyton was happy and in love. And with her best friend! How could she have been anything but supportive? Her like for Brooke, both as her daughter’s friend and now as her girlfriend, was the reason that she could only smile at the teenager’s nervousness. Everything should have changed since the announcement, and yet to her it felt as though nothing had. Brooke was still the kid she’d known for years, what was there to be nervous about. “Brooke,” She practically sang along, somewhat teasing. As the girl produced the box dyes, she let out a quick ‘oh’. This clearly wasn’t what she’d been expecting. However, she shook off any surprise quickly, warm smile spreading over her lips as she said, “Well you’ve come to the right woman. I don’t like to brag, but I’m kind of the expert at home dying.” She was sure that the blonde - apparently soon to be brunette - remembered her various hair colours from her childhood. “Or at least I’m well practiced! I think I can mainly do it without missing big patches.” She realised that might not be too comforting, considering the big change. “But don’t worry, it’s way easier to do one somebody else. For instance, I can actually see the back of your head.”

There was an excitement beating her chest, stomach twisting. Maybe she was doing this to hopefully piss off Emily, or just rebel, only to prove she wasn’t mommy and daddies little girl anymore. Grinning at the instant agreement from her girlfriends mother, she was sighing in relief, a bright grin on her face as she headed further in, hopping on the bed and glancing down at the boxes, eyes lighting up. “Please don’t miss, I hate this blonde, I’m so sick of looking like..” shrugging, for a second she quiet. “You aren’t mad, right? About Peyton and I.. we’ve only been hiding it since Valentine’s day.. but like, I wouldn’t mind an adult on my side - one that isn’t like my mom,” shaking if off, she cleared her throat. “ ‘Cause I know she’ll act like she’s cool with it, but we all know what she really thinks, even if she pretends to be... woke.” But then she forced the smile again, picking up a box. “Can we do it now or are you busy?”

@BASHWORTH uploaded a photo to instagram:

A change, all that Brooke wanted was a change so after heading to the grocery store, she was quickly back at the house with two boxes of deep brown hair-dye. Maybe she wanted so badly to crawl out of her mothers shadow that she was doing this but for the first time in a while? She was truly excited about something that didn’t involve Peyton. Sure, she’d done good at avoiding Piper since they’d come back from the beach, minus the whole... new rules talk, but now she really did need her help. Kicking off her shoes, the teen raced up the stairs, knocking once and then twice on the older womans door before she peaked her head inside to check that the other was in there. “Piper...” her voice was soft, maybe a little nervous but she quickly pushed through it, stepping further into the room, and producing the two boxes of dye. “Can you help? I just.. want to be different and I don’t want Pey to inhale all the fumes.”

“Got it. Don’t let go of my hand, okay?” Peyton nodded instantly, grabbing Brooke’s hand and gently tugging them out of the cafe. She smiled back at her girlfriend, as they walked in silence for a few moments, the brunette keeping a watchful eye on the neighbors who were shamelessly gawking at the couple holding hands as they walked. “Just ignore it all, we’re almost back home.” She walked faster, keeping a protective glance over at her girlfriend until they were safely behind her closed front door. She pulled the other closer to her, wrapping her arms around her waist. “Are you okay? We’re safe now, it’s going to be okay. People will…adjust, I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. Or say anything mean. Not without me.” Peyton looked at her girlfriend with a worried furrowed brow, she was usually the anxious one but right now, she had to be strong. Strong like Brooke was, every day for her. “I won’t let anything happen to you, ever. People can talk, stare and whisper all they want. But they can’t change what we have, they’re just jealous.”

Fingertips hold tightly to Peyton’s own, her eyes on the ground as they rushed through the neighbourhood. It was hard for her to realize that things were different now for the time being until people got used to all of this, they’d be uncomfortable even if the community didn’t mean to make the girls. As soon as she was in Peyton’s arms, in the safety of the house she’d been living in the past couple months, she took a breath, a sigh following. “It’s just weird, P. I didn’t think people would be like this, it’s not even weird. It’s been kind of obvious. I’’m not worried about anything bad happening, I’m just.. weirded out.”

Peyton couldn’t help but follow her girlfriend, she could sense her anxiety on the car ride and she’d be damned if she let the blonde go through any of this alone. So tragic, so sad. They’re just confused children. Of course, chaos breeds company. Maybe the only chance the poor girl has at a relationship.  Ignoring the stares and the whispers, she sat down right next to her partner, a protective arm draped around her waist. “Just ignore her babe. You left your sweater at the house.” The brunette gave her reassuring smile, turning and scowling at Mrs. Martinez and arguably the room. “Anything you fuckheads have to say about Brooke, you can say it about me too. You don’t want me airing your son’s dirty laundry in here, Mrs. Martinez.” Her voice, loud and confident, the curse word felt unfamiliar in her mouth as she glared at the shocked faces of her supposed peers, taking a bite of souffle. “We can leave if you want to honey.” Peyton squeezed Brooke’s hand. “You just say the word.”

“Peyton,” the blonde couldn’t lie. Maybe she was the slightest bit shocked at her girlfriends use of language but after she turned back around, she gave her a grateful smile. This whole town just felt so fucked up all of a sudden. One day Brooke was one of the most loved people of Fairview and suddenly now? It was like she was a ghost, people talking right through her instead of at her. The thought of having to get up and go somewhere else made her stomach turn, worry for more voices to follow them but soon, she was nodding and quickly standing up. “Can we go?” It was quiet, she was never the shy one, the nervous one but suddenly she was. “I just want to get out of here.”

News traveled fast, and Beth had heard whispers from no less than five different people that they’d spotted the ‘younger Ashworth’ at Chez Naomi— and so she’d changed directions, a new destination in mind. She entered the establishment, letting the scent of delicious soufflés wash over her, before she glanced around, taking in the glances and whispers that seemed to never end. She noticed how some of the younger customers seemed simply intrigued, or awed, or with a certain sort of yearning— but Beth couldn’t help the flicker of anger that came to life within her as she heard some of the nastier things being said.

She swiftly approached her younger sister, placing a gentle hand on the other blonde’s shoulder before squeezing, to comfort her. Beth turned a gentle smile towards Mrs. Martinez, her eyes warm even though a part of her longed to tell everyone to mind their own damn business. “I understand that you are worried for my sister, Mrs. Martinez, but those kinds of comments can breed an unhealthy environment, one that I’m certain you don’t want Fairview to be known for, no? We have experienced such tragedy in recent months— we need not tarnish our beautiful home more with whispers of intolerance.” And with those words, she squeezed Mrs. Martinez’s wrist gently but firmly, sending her one last smile before turning back to Brooke. She pulled out some money, enough for the bill and a generous tip for the waiters. “Come on, let’s get out of here Brooke. Leave the vultures to their meals.” Her expression slowly turned into something more genuine, more real, just for her sister.

Chez Naomi had always been Brookes favourite place. The atmosphere was quiet and calm and no matter where you sat there was always a decent view, but now? The whispers, the stares? Brooke felt more anxiety than she ever had in the restaurant, only staring at her food the entire time people whispered the entire time. How was this anyone elses business? She couldn’t figure it out but the last thing she wanted to do was create more of a scene than her presence had. What was so different about her now than a few weeks ago? She was still the same person, at least to herself.

It wasn’t until she heard her sisters voice did her head pop up, only to be surprised at the older blondes reaction. Truth being, she was so glad that Beth was home to support her and the second her sister came back over toward her, she nodded. Grabbing her coat, the teenager nodded, tossing it on and then throwing a couple bills on the table for her snacks. Quickly with her head down, she exited the restaurant only turning toward her sister once they were out on the side walk. “Mom is totally gonna be one of those people, Beth. She’s gonna pretend to be concerned but in the long run think it’s fucked up.”

It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt. I don’t have to be scared of embarrassing myself because Peyton already knows all of me, and we can talk about anything without worrying what the other person thinks of us.

I guess you could say that.. 

“Oh come on Brookie, don’t tell me you’re that naive. You’re a dancer, you have probably seen girls in your classes living off detox drinks and celery sticks.” She didn’t mean the words to come off sounding so harsh, but Brooke insisted on being treated like an adult, on living where she wanted and doing what she wanted. So Emily would treat her that way, no matter how blunt or jarring her honesty was. “Crash diets this, cleanse one week and intermittent fasting the next. Everything in life is a beauty contest. Everything comes at a price. Maybe yours is losing out on time with friends or parties. My price was my health. Take an impressionable pre-teen girl, put her in a room filled with tall, graceful, thin ballerinas for months on end and you see if you still like yourself after even an hour with them. It wasn’t some fun party no matter how perfect our yearbook pictures seem. It’s falling asleep during class because you don’t have enough energy to stay awake. It’s counting the calories in a stick of gum and hiding food in sock drawers and bathroom sinks. I’m fucking tired too okay?” Even now Emily felt the urge to wrap her fingers around the length of her wrist and see if she could make it all the way around. She wants to break every mirror in the house so she never has to look at herself again. But saying those thoughts aloud would probably get her locked up. 

“And maybe I wouldn’t have ever made it to some fancy academy or been a professional, but do you want to know what I could do instead? Be the thinnest girl in the room. In a room full of girls older and younger than me, ones with more talent than I had, they wouldn’t be the thinnest. I won at that. And then it almost killed me. But something switched when I got pregnant with your sister. You girls, you saved me. You girls and your father, you were like this beacon of light leading me out of a dark tunnel. And maybe there was always light ahead, but I didn’t see it until that moment. I had people who depended on me, when i ate, you ate. I helped these little babies become something. You are my purpose Brooke. You complain that I make you eat healthy, which yes I strive to do. But I don’t weigh you on a daily basis. I don’t count your calories, measure your thighs, or make you physically put your food on a scale. I don’t say that I am going to drive you to dance class and then drop you off at a hospital for winter break at fourteen. I know what that kind of thing does to a person psychologically.“ Now that she had started talking, it was like she couldn’t stop. Her darkest thoughts, her deepest fears, they were all coming out. And not in a therapist’s office, no, but to her young daughter. Not even Andrew knew everything. “So yes, I cheated on your father. And it’s something I will always regret. But you keep asking why, you want to know why? You really want to know the truth? I deserve it. I ruin things, that’s the kind of person I am. Plain and simple. I thought if someone, anyone, wanted me then hey maybe I might actually feel worthy of love, of affection. I would stop feeling so worthless. But instead I feel even more worthless because I didn’t just burn myself. I burned everyone else around me in the crossfire. I feel like a fraud living in my own house. I don’t deserve anything that I have. I loathe myself and now everyone else finally sees what I see. They finally feel the same way, and I can breathe again.” All she could do was stare ahead, mouth agape at her own rantings. It’s like she was openly bleeding out in front of everyone and Brooke was the one trying to see through the wreck, to see someone worth saving.

For a moment, her eyes dropped to the floor, only giving Emily silence after she stopped talking, stopped explaining herself. Of course she knew her mother was skinny, maybe oddly skinny but she never thought of anything like this. She just figured that the woman had a fast metabolism or something of the short. Truth be told, she was a little bit in shock. “oh..” it’s quiet, nothing else following it, all she can do is sigh. Of course it was what she wanted, the truth, but she didn’t think this would be it. That it would all come down to Emily’s hatred of herself, to break apart an entire family. “Why didn’t you tell someone that you were sick?” The question came softly and she soon shook her head. Of course, Emily still had hurt her and she wasn’t happy with her but all of a sudden her heart ached for the older woman.

Maybe her wrist ached and she was pissed off but she wasn’t heartless, and before long her arms were wrapped tightly around her mother, stomach flopping as she held on tightly. She wasn’t going to crack, but she knew the woman was hurting. “Mom, it’s going to be okay, I promise..” but she doesn’t know that, although she’s telling herself that because she’s a kid, and she can’t fall over this. “We all just need a break from each other, but it’ll turn out fine, I promise.” That’s her way of saying that even if she feels for her, she won’t stay, that she can’t right now, but right now? She at least doesn’t let go, giving Emily the support she’s probably been needing.