“She’s such an intellectual — she reads her porn.”
“This isn’t Sense and Sensibility, it’s fucking Snapchat, chill out.”
“I can’t remember the last time I ate a vegetable.”
“What? Sorry I can’t hear you with my sunglasses on.”
“I killed a moth with a selfie stick yesterday.”
“Fucking a poet must be amazing.”
“I would suck anything to be verified on Twitter.”
“The only vegetable I eat is Guacamole.”
“What did you guys eat while I was unconscious?”
“Handjobs are like the above-ground swimming pools of sexual activities.”
“If we’re snowed in, let’s organize an orgy for our floor. A snow floor orgy. A snoflorgy.”
“Up until a few years ago I thought misogynist was another word for masseuse.”
“I want my wedding to be bagel themed.”
“She literally has everything a girl could want…except a personality.”
“I’m gonna turn this workaholic into an alcoholic.”
“You look really good with a mustache. You don’t look like a pedophile at all.”
“Love is pretty much the ability to talk about your digestive system with another person.”
“I fucking love Tinder. Whenever I want a study break, I just whip out my phone and judge 100 people.”
“So today I ripped a hole in my lace underwear while picking a wedgie.”
“Are you flexing your boob right now?”
“I have to Instagram the snow so my friends at home will think I do more than go to clubs.”
“I can’t imagine anyone who would want to put up with me. I put up with me only because I have to.”
“This just heated up my scrotum to an extent you won’t believe.”
“Why are you ‘throwing shade’ at me? Are you a fucking palm tree?”
“Seriously. I’m wearing knee high stockings. It shouldn’t be this hard to get laid.”
“I’m growing my pubes out so I look more like a Game of Thrones character down there.”
“They should redesign the American flag because it’s so hard to draw 50 stars in elementary school.”
“ABC, man. Always be cute.”
“I can’t give you like professional advice. But I can give you advice based on my life, which is: fuck anything and everything.”
“Wait. You guys have class? On Fridays? I thought that shit was a myth.”
“Look at that dog chasing that stick. If I were a dog, I’d chase a stick like that too. But all I’m chasing here are my broken dreams.”
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