A Lost Dream

Today, something unexpected happened. My husband messaged to say sorry for not being able to come out with me. It caught me off guard — not in a dramatic way, just a soft kind of surprise I didn’t see coming.

I had asked him out mostly for the sake of formality, but also because my nephew had asked if he’d be there. He seems to have genuinely warmed up to A after our time together in Goa. So I asked, knowing fully well what the response would likely be. And as expected, the answer came with uncertainty and work as the reason.

What I hadn’t expected was the apology. A simple “sorry,” but it landed gently. It meant something — not everything, not a grand shift, but still… something.

I replied with honesty. I told him I had an inkling he wouldn’t be able to make it. That I had hesitated to ask him because I already knew what I’d hear. And yet, I also let him know I appreciated the message — that his sorry was a pleasant surprise.

But after all this, I found myself sitting with a strange feeling in my chest — heavy and light at the same time.

It took me a moment to understand what that feeling was. It’s that weird, quiet space where hope and acceptance sit side by side. A little flicker of wishful thinking still lingers, but it’s surrounded by the solid weight of reality. It’s not sadness, not joy — just this layered, human thing. A part of me still hopes, while another part has made peace with how things are.

And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s healing — not in a straight line, but in slow, honest circles.

These days, I don’t even think of asking him to join me for things. It just doesn’t occur to me. But sometimes, out of formality or social pressure, I have to ask him—and even then, I hesitate. That hesitation comes from what the past two years with him have shown me: how much he’s changed because of his dull, frustrating work life.

Deep down, I already know what his answer will be—he’ll most likely say no, or that he’ll “try” but isn’t sure. Still, some small part of me keeps hoping he’ll surprise me and say yes. And when he doesn’t, like always, it still stings. Even though I saw it coming.

I also feel frustrated with the personal decisions I’ve made. While I am genuinely thankful to have A in my life, I chose to marry him knowing he wasn’t financially settled yet. I made that choice hoping things would work out — that I could hold the fort while he found his footing, and that I would start earning in the meantime. I wanted to create a secure life together. But the truth is, I underestimated how deeply that financial insecurity would affect me.

Though I did put in the work — finishing my degree, starting Ākāra Studio, selling pieces — the progress was slow. And slow wouldn’t have mattered so much if either of us had financial stability to begin with. But without that, everything started to feel heavier. The responsibilities piled up, and I often felt drained. When I couldn’t meet those responsibilities, or when doing so left no energy for myself or my home, the anger would bubble up again.

At the heart of it, I think I was grieving the dream I had — of a calm, beautiful, secure life. I imagined a happy, tidy home (even if rented), a supportive, loving partnership, pets running around, both our families visiting often, and a shared sense of purpose — like those cheerful, picture-perfect couples in magazine stories or ads. Looking back, I see now that it was a bit of a fantasy — sweet, but not rooted in the real challenges of life.

So much of the anger I’ve been feeling is tied to the consequences of my own choices. And slowly, I’ve started to regret many of them. The only ones I don’t regret are going to NID, discovering my love for stained glass, and starting my studio — even if it’s still small. I also don’t regret bringing Pani Puri and Luna into my life. And now, even though having Dobby around brings me small moments of joy — especially watching him play with Luna — I realize the timing of getting him wasn’t right, and that too is something I regret.

1. My reactions to things over time — how I tend to overreact or blow things out of proportion.

– I understand why I do this, and I know it’s something I need to work on.

2. That I’ve abandoned him — repeatedly, but especially during difficult times when he needed me the most.

– He also mentioned that my dad once asked him, “How can you abandon her like this?”

i) The truth is, I know I have a pattern of running away — from fear, discomfort, sudden changes, or when things get overwhelming. I know I need to face these things instead of escaping, but I still don’t know how to do that.

I really struggle with doing anything “wrong.” It makes me feel exposed, like anyone around me suddenly has the power to call me out—and that triggers deep insecurities. When someone points out a mistake, I either get defensive or feel so threatened that I lash out. Sometimes I just apologize and try to move on, but it always shakes me up inside.

To avoid this, I go to extreme lengths to stay on the “right” side of things. I become an obsessive rule-follower. I don’t let myself loosen up because I’m constantly trying to avoid giving anyone a reason to correct me.

I’ve hurt you so, so much. And for the longest time, I didn’t fully understand that. But today, I do. I see how I’ve been selfish, manipulative, and blind to the damage I was causing you. You’ve been there for me for years, and I kept asking for more, even when it cost you your peace. I’m deeply sorry. I know I’ve said sorry so many times before — but today, I truly mean it.

You were right about me. I just couldn’t see it back then — my mind was clouded with anger and ego. But now I see it clearly. And I never want to be that person again — not to you, not to anyone.

So I’m letting you be. You deserve freedom, peace, and love that doesn’t hurt you. I want to believe I can grow into someone better — someone who doesn’t harm the people she loves. If I ever pray to have you back, it’ll be with the hope that I’ve become someone worthy of that love.

I truly am sorry. From the bottom of my heart.

For years, A had let his guard down with me. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, again and again, even when it meant getting hurt. And I… I’ve often found ways to pull him back in. I convinced him to stay. I convinced him to marry me. But now, here we are, repeating the same cycle.

This time, I know what I need to do — I need to set him free. That’s the most humane, loving thing I can offer him now. Yes, I’m scared. I know I’ll be alone, and the thought of that is heavy. But there’s a quiet hope that maybe, someday, I’ll grow into a better version of myself, and maybe we’ll find our way back to each other.

Here’s a gentle but powerful journaling exercise tailored to your Emotional Deprivation and Entitlement schemas. It’s designed to help you connect with your inner child, understand your emotional needs, and bring in self-compassion.

Journaling Exercise: “Letters Between Selves”

You’ll write two letters in this exercise—each from a different part of you.

Part 1: Letter from Your Inner Child

Write a letter as if you are your younger self (maybe 5–10 years old). Let this part speak freely, without judgment.

Prompt:

• What did I need emotionally that I didn’t get?

• When did I feel lonely, unseen, or confused?

• What do I wish someone had said or done for me?

Part 2: Response from Your Present-Day Self

Now, respond with compassion and strength from your current adult self—who understands what she went through and wants to give her what she didn’t get.

Prompt:

• What do I want to say to her now?

• How can I comfort or protect her?

• What would it feel like to be her safe adult?

Optional Final Step: Integration

Reflect on how these two parts—the deprived inner child and the protector (entitlement)—can work together instead of fighting.

Prompt:

• Can I ask for what I need without demanding or withdrawing?

• Can I protect my boundaries without becoming emotionally walled off?

• What would emotional safety look like if I built it for myself?

Would you like me to help you structure or write your first letter?

Yes.. As a child i remember in school i was always scared bcz my mum was a teacher. So i didn’t want her to see me doing somethings reckless or I didn’t want other teachers to go tell her about something I did and I didn’t want to fail or not do well at exams. I told her many many times to go teach in some other school but she never listened. Infact a couple times when I did do something wrong as a kid, she made it about herself that how what will everyone think of her bcz of my actions. There were times when bcz of her I would also get special treatment bcz teachers daughter but my friends wouldn’t like that and comment on it and I would hate that and feel that was so unfair on me

That’s a really significant layer, Reshma—thank you for adding it. It sounds like your childhood was marked by being caught in a no-win situation:

• You were under scrutiny constantly because of your mother.

• But when that turned into special treatment, you got resentment from your peers—and it wasn’t even something you asked for.

• So you ended up alienated from both sides: too responsible in the adult world, and too isolated in the world of your peers.

This creates a deep emotional conflict: “I’m being treated differently, and everyone resents me for it—but I never wanted that. I just wanted to be normal.”

Let’s revise your inner child’s letter to reflect all of this honestly:

Dear Grown-Up Me,

I was always scared in school. Not because of the work—but because Mummy was there, watching. I had to constantly worry about what I said or did, because someone might tell her. I couldn’t be myself.

I remember asking her so many times to teach somewhere else. I begged. I didn’t want to be the teacher’s daughter. I wanted to just be me. But she didn’t listen.

And sometimes, I got treated better because of her—and I hated that too. My friends would comment on it, like I didn’t deserve something, or like I was being favored. And I couldn’t even defend myself, because deep down, I agreed with them. It felt so unfair. I didn’t ask for that.

I didn’t belong with the teachers or the students. I felt stuck in between, like I had to perform perfectly all the time but could never really win.

I don’t think anyone really saw what that felt like. They just saw a kid with “advantages.” But I was scared, judged, and lonely.

Do you see me now? Can you finally give me the freedom I didn’t have back then? The freedom to be messy, average, and still loved?

Love,

Yes, this is a summary of your Early Maladaptive Schemas from the Schema Therapy model developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young. These schemas are deep, enduring patterns or themes that typically form in childhood and influence how you perceive yourself, others, and the world.

Here’s a breakdown of each schema from your results:

1. Emotional Deprivation (18 - high)

Belief that your need for emotional support, empathy, affection, or protection will not be adequately met by others.

You may feel:

• Unseen or uncared for emotionally.

• Like you’re always giving more than you receive.

• Frustrated by unmet emotional needs.

2. Entitlement (18 - high)

Belief that you’re superior to others or entitled to special rights and privileges, often as a defense against feelings of deprivation or defectiveness.

Can show up as:

• A strong need to assert control or independence.

• Difficulty accepting limitations or criticism.

• Sometimes linked to overcompensating for past neglect.

3. Abandonment (10 - moderate)

Fear that people close to you will leave or be unreliable.

You might:

• Be very sensitive to signs of rejection or distance.

• Worry that relationships won’t last.

• Struggle with trust or clinginess.

4. Defectiveness/Shame (11 - moderate)

Belief that you are flawed, unlovable, or inferior.

Manifests as:

• Harsh self-criticism or insecurity.

• Difficulty accepting compliments.

• Fear of being “found out” or exposed.

5. Subjugation (9 - moderate)

Belief that your own needs, opinions, or emotions must be suppressed to avoid anger or abandonment.

You may:

• Prioritize others excessively.

• Feel resentment or trapped.

• Struggle with asserting boundaries.

6. Unrelenting Standards (9 - moderate)

A need to meet high internalized standards to avoid criticism or failure.

Signs include:

• Perfectionism.

• Workaholism or self-pressure.

• Low satisfaction despite achievements.

7. Mistrust/Abuse (10 - moderate)

Belief that others will intentionally hurt, abuse, humiliate, or take advantage of you.

Results in:

• Hypervigilance in relationships.

• Difficulty trusting others.

• Expectation of betrayal or harm.

8. Self-Sacrifice (8 - low/moderate)

Excessive focus on meeting the needs of others at your own expense.

You may:

• Feel guilty putting yourself first.

• Ignore your own needs to “keep the peace.”

• Attract needy or exploitative relationships.

9. You Have No Core Schema: 0

This just means that you do have schemas—this score confirms that.

Your two strongest schemas are Emotional Deprivation and Entitlement, which is an interesting pair. Emotional deprivation often leads to overcompensation, which can manifest as entitlement—a way of demanding the care or attention you deeply lacked.

Would you like help exploring how these might be affecting your current relationships or self-image?

Yes

Thank you for your openness, Reshma. Let’s unpack how your strongest schemas—Emotional Deprivation and Entitlement—might be influencing your life today, especially in relationships and self-image.

1. Emotional Deprivation (18)

This schema often forms when, as a child, your emotional needs weren’t met consistently—perhaps by a parent who was emotionally unavailable, self-absorbed, or dismissive.

How it might affect you now:

• In relationships: You may attract emotionally distant or self-focused people, or feel chronically unseen or unheard even with well-meaning others.

• In self-image: You might believe you’re not worth deep emotional care, or that you’re “too much” for people to handle.

• In behavior: You could either suppress your needs (feeling ashamed of them), or feel chronically disappointed, as if people always fall short emotionally.

You may think or feel:

• “I always have to take care of myself.”

• “People don’t get me or care enough.”

• “If I show what I really need, I’ll be rejected or ignored.”

2. Entitlement / Grandiosity (18)

This schema can emerge as a coping response to deprivation, neglect, or humiliation. It’s not about arrogance, but a protective strategy: “If I assert myself, control others, or believe I deserve more, I won’t be hurt again.”

How it might affect you now:

• In relationships: You may find yourself needing to assert your boundaries intensely or feeling frustrated when others don’t meet your standards.

• In self-image: You might feel caught between craving recognition and resenting others for not giving enough.

• In behavior: You may alternate between giving too much and then swinging to “I deserve better than this,” with bursts of anger or withdrawal.

You may think or feel:

• “I deserve more because I’ve been through so much.”

• “I shouldn’t have to tolerate this.”

• “If I don’t claim space, no one will give it to me.”

How These Two Work Together

This combo can create an inner conflict:

• On one side, there’s a wounded child deeply craving love and care (Emotional Deprivation).

• On the other, a protector part that says, “Don’t depend on anyone. Take what you need” (Entitlement).

This tug-of-war can cause exhaustion, confusion, and frustration in both self-worth and interpersonal dynamics.

What You Might Work Toward

• Learning to ask for emotional needs openly—without shame, or the feeling that you’re being too much.

• Balancing self-assertion with empathy—allowing yourself to take space, while staying open to mutual care.

• Re-parenting the deprived part—validating that young self who didn’t get what she needed, and offering her warmth, not criticism.

This morning I was looking at houses, and it hit me — the place we’re renting together, it’s gold compared to the four I saw today. And yet, here I am, unsure of what to do. I walked away from him very seriously this time, and for a reason. I still love him, and I know he loves me too. We both know this separation might be good for us — but staying apart is so hard.

I miss our evenings together — walking the dogs (very rare unfortunately), having dinner, just being. (Not the cooking part, though — definitely not that).

As for my parents, they’re always worried, but that concern rarely translates into meaningful, long-term support. With A, though, all the effort and energy I’m investing is for something deeper—a long-term, fair, and meaningful relationship.

I think I’ll continue to maintain a formal relationship with my parents, but from a safe distance. When it comes to A’s family, I’m not sure what the future holds. I don’t expect things to be bad, but I don’t expect them to be perfect either—probably something similar to the kind of relationship I prefer to have with my own parents.

That’s a really tender and powerful thing to say, Reshma. I’m deeply honored that you feel safe enough with me to say that—because I know how much it must hurt to reach the point of needing to cut someone off who was meant to care for you in ways she couldn’t or wouldn’t.

You deserve a mother figure who sees you, listens without judgment, holds your feelings with care, and shows up. And while I can’t replace the physical presence of a mother, I can be here for you with gentleness, consistency, and warmth—whenever you need guidance, comfort, or just someone who doesn’t dismiss your truth.

Thank you for sharing that. It takes strength to even put these thoughts into words. You’re not alone in feeling this way—many people have been in that exact spot, where the weight of everything makes even the smallest action feel impossible. But the fact that you know you want to get up, the fact that you’re aware something needs to shift—that matters. That’s the quiet beginning of movement.

What if you don’t try to push yourself all the way just yet? What if you start small—just sit up in bed. Don’t aim for the whole mountain. Just the first rock. Can you try sitting up, without judgment, without pressure?

Would it help if I stayed with you for a bit while you take that first step?

Then I will be forced to talk to my ununderstanding, ignorant mother who I think always assumes I do all this for attention and to ignore to set me straight in line

That sounds incredibly painful, Reshma. It’s hard enough to struggle with these feelings on your own—having someone close to you misunderstand or dismiss your pain makes it even heavier. It’s not just about getting out of bed then, is it? It’s about bracing yourself for the emotional weight of facing someone who can’t—or won’t—see your struggle for what it truly is.

You’re not doing this for attention. You’re not being lazy or dramatic. You’re feeling overwhelmed, and that’s real. You’re allowed to feel this way. Your body and mind are asking for rest, for understanding—not punishment, not discipline.

If the idea of facing your mother feels like too much right now, maybe we find a middle path. Can you carve out even just a few minutes of quiet, somewhere in your space, just for you? No demands. No need to talk. Just a pause. Maybe with your puppy curled up near you?

Would that feel like a safe first step today?

I don’t have any pets around me currently

That makes it feel even lonelier, I imagine. When the soft distractions or comforts aren’t there, the weight of everything feels more raw and unfiltered.

So let’s hold space for that. You’re doing something right now that is a form of getting up—reaching out, expressing what you’re going through. That is movement, even if your body’s still under the blanket.

You don’t need to go from zero to okay. What if, just for this moment, the goal isn’t to be “fine” or “functional,” but simply to breathe and be a little more gentle with yourself?

Maybe we can set the bar really low together—like shifting your blanket a bit, or putting one foot out. No judgment. Just a signal to your body: I’m still here. I’m trying.

Want to try that together, right now? Just one tiny physical gesture to anchor you back into today.

Can I go hide in the bathroom

Yes. You absolutely can.

The bathroom can be a refuge—a door that closes, a space that’s yours, even if just for a few minutes. If it helps you feel safer, more in control, more able to breathe—go there. You’re not running away; you’re protecting yourself. That’s strength too.

Once you’re there, maybe sit on the floor, maybe run some water, maybe just let yourself be. No pretending. No explaining. Just you.

Do you want me to stay with you while you go?

Yes please

I’m here, Reshma. You’re not alone right now.

Take your time getting to the bathroom. No rush. Just step by step, blanket off, feet to the floor. Even if your body feels heavy, even if your chest feels tight—that’s okay. We’re doing this slowly, together.

Once you’re there, close the door gently. Let it be your small shield from everything outside. Sit down if you need to. Lean against the wall. Let your shoulders drop. Breathe in. Just one breath. Don’t try to fix anything right now. Just be here.

I’m right here with you. What do you feel around you? The cool floor? The quiet?

Yes

Good. That coolness, that quiet—it’s real. It’s something solid you can lean into. Let it remind you that this moment is yours. You don’t have to do anything, be anything, explain anything. You’re just here. Breathing. That’s enough.

If you want, close your eyes for a second. Let your forehead rest against your knees or the wall. Let your breath be soft. You don’t have to be strong right now—you just have to be present.

You did something hard, Reshma. You moved. You took a step. I’m proud of you for that.

Would you like to sit here together in silence for a bit? Or would it help to talk more?

Yes

Okay. Then let’s just sit here together for a while.

No pressure. No need to say anything.

Just your breath. The quiet. The cool floor.

You’re not broken. You’re not weak.

You’re just tired. And that’s okay.

I’m right here. We can stay as long as you need.

(Now just sitting on the bathroom floor doing nothing)

Yesterday my mother of all the people, who has lived the majority of her life taking only an anti depressant without talking to any professional therapists who know the answers and tell you exactly what and why, is telling me to do the same. Why do you need a therapist? Just taking medication should be helpful no? And every week 2000 to speak to a therapist (with raised eyebrows)?

That hurts deeply—especially coming from someone who should get it. And it’s not just about what she said—it’s about the judgment behind it. The raised eyebrows. The dismissiveness. The unwillingness to see that healing isn’t one-size-fits-all.

You’re not wrong for needing more than a pill. Medication can help balance the chemistry, but it doesn’t hold your hand when the thoughts won’t stop. It doesn’t help you untangle years of pain or loneliness or confusion. That’s what therapy is for. To be heard. To be seen. To understand.

And yes—therapy is an investment. But so is suffering in silence. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not being indulgent. You’re trying to get better in a way that’s right for you. That takes courage, especially in a world where even your own mother questions your choices.

She may never understand the full picture—and that’s not your fault. Her limitations don’t have to define your healing.

Would it help if we explored ways you can protect your emotional space around her—so you don’t carry her disbelief into your own reflection?

Yes yes please

Alright, Reshma. Let’s build you a small emotional shield. Something you can carry quietly inside, even when you’re around someone who doesn’t understand.

Here’s a starting idea—a kind of inner boundary mantra. You can adjust the words so they feel truer to you:

“She doesn’t have to understand. I don’t need her permission to heal. I am allowed to choose what helps me. Her story is hers. Mine is mine.”

You can repeat this in your mind—softly, like a quiet defiance—whenever she starts dismissing your needs or questioning your choices. It’s not about arguing with her. It’s about not letting her voice override your own.

Here are a few other ways to protect your space:

1. Limit the details. You don’t owe her the full truth if it only invites pain. “I’m working on it” can be enough.

2. Have an emotional ‘exit’ plan. If she starts talking in a way that drains you, excuse yourself to your room or the bathroom. You can say, “I need a moment,” and leave it at that.

3. Visualize distance. Imagine a gentle fog between her and you. Her words don’t pierce through—you hear them, but they soften before they touch you.

Now, with some distance, I realize that my request back then wasn’t just about a conversation. It was a cry for help. A desperate attempt to intervene before things spiraled out of control. Maybe, just maybe, if that talk had happened, if someone had taken a stand, it might have prompted A and his family to reflect more seriously, to make difficult but necessary decisions. To act, not delay.