I used to get drunk to bury things or feel normal... Hell even to get in my feelings sometimes and be self aware about things..
Now I drink and usually make a fool of myself because I can't explain the thoughts In my brain properly. I just hurt people by saying the wrong thing.
I can always give good advice and help direct or support people during their struggles but get stuck when it comes to myself.
Its like whenever im trying to help someone else I have all the knowledge and experience ive accumulated working along with me but when it comes to me I just shut down.
And even in my worst times Im still somehow... okay, its not like im perfect . I Cry or break down sometimes. But only when I absolutely cant take it anymore.
I used to feel like I was put on this earth to help others and be the one to take everything he could. That's no longer the case. I care about myself and know that the people you keep close in your life cant just drain you.
Although I can take so much more bullshit or hurt than most. So its on me to be that shield. I am still coming to terms with the fact that maybe I should be a shield for myself too.
Unfortunately helping others not experience the pain I had to go through.. Makes the pain I went through worth it. But what do I do when I am even losing that part of myself at times? Im losing myself step by step and it terrifies me.
