C H E Y E N N E

So. This is a hard one. Hopefully, I’m not the only one feeling like this. 

I like to be alone, mainly because then I don’t have to worry about what everyone around me thinks. I notice it all - a person’s smallest move, change of voice, choice of words, body language, the look in their eye. I notice it all and somehow I always end up concluding: That’s it. This person doesn’t like me. I’m causing some kind of negative effect and slowly, I find more and more evidence supporting my thoughts (”oh, that one word came out kinda harsh, she probably didn’t mean it but … and so on) convincing myself that it really is true what I’m thinking, this person truly doesn’t like me. It has never been as bad as it is right.  

I don’t feel good being in school. Not because of the classes, it’s the other things that are making me nervous. 

Being in class. Lunch. The bus ride to and from school. Group work. 

Before going to high school, I had this expectation that within the first week I’d find my best friend in class. Well. That didn’t happen. Not at all actually. I’ve never been more alone in school. 

I often find myself feeling like the leftovers. Like the last person standing back when having to pair two and two in a group of an uneven number. That feeling has become constant now. Of course, you can’t just expect to have people running after you, but I get how hard it can be, when every little sign of rejection, or what you might interpret as an upcoming rejection, takes every little bit of courage away, that you may have. The rejection may not even be real, the other person might not have any intentions of rejecting you, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is how you feel - I was told by my psychiatrist, no matter if I’m actually being left out on purpose or if that’s just what I think, it’s not changing my feelings, I still need to take it seriously, because no matter what, I am feeling rejected. I am feeling left out. I am feeling worthless. I am feeling alone.  There. I admit it. So what now? Honestly. I don’t know. I’m still working on it. I just wanted you to know, not everyone has a massive group of friends, not everyone has that one best friend who they can tell everything to, not everyone is as good as others at making friends, for some it’s a constant struggle. You’re not alone about this. 

Tips to make closer friends

Take contact. This is one of the things I have a hard time doing myself. Had a talk with a sweet person in class? Ask them out for coffee! 

If you don’t like to hang out with someone outside school right away, then maybe suggest that you stay after school and make homework? 

Don’t be afraid to be you. You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t want to, just because they’re the only ones there. You don’t have to settle.

It might not be a lot of tips, I’m still struggling with this myself, but I think it’s a place to start. So what if it doesn’t work?  Don’t lose hope. You’ve probably just haven’t met the right person yet. 

So far, I have 2 friends who I consider close, 2 friends who are really outgoing, always around a lot of people all the time, which leaves me to be forgotten sometimes. They’re new friends, I only met them a year ago. But they’re there and they’re helping me feeling a little less lonely sometimes. 

But I’m still more sad than happy. So I’ve changed my tactics. Right now I’m trying to make myself feel better. I’m trying to focus on other things. I’m trying to not let my mind be about other people all the time in school, meaningless, small details that no one other than me would ever notice.

How to make yourself feel better

For me, it was improving myself academically. Getting more interested in learning. Taking my classes more seriously. It helps me keep my mind busy since it’d then be easier to be interested in the actual class and not the person sitting right next to you. 

Give time to the things that you enjoy. Watch more movies, read more books, exercise, tumblr, whatever you like. 

Planning! Making a bullet journal has really helped me. It makes me feel more in control and less stressed since I then have an overview over what’s going on. 

Tea or coffee. Any kind of hot drink, really. It helps feeling warm. 

Ok, this maybe shouldn’t be here, but make an internet friend. Be careful, not everyone is who they say they are, but if you find the right person, it could be a massive help. I wouldn’t have survived without my friend who I’ve made on here. 

I hope it helps. Remember, my inbox is always open, I’d very much like to hear from you. I don’t feel like people are talking much about this, how it is not to have friends at school, but it’s so important when you spend half of your day there 5 days a week. Let me know what you think or if you have something to add.

hugs,