Brittany Moore

You sneaky little bastard. I thought you were gone, and I was okay. I mean, I have full control over my life finally. Full-time job, the best of friends, a wonderful support system. And yet you’re here, for what reason again? 

After my whole life thinking I would be insanely full with life and satisfied once I had full control over various aspects of my life, I was fooled. I have everything I could ask for, yet I am still dealing with this sneaky little bastard, and today it hit me.

Depression isn’t something you can win or lose at, it simply is. Once you’ve hit that low and come back, you know what you’re capable of, yes, but it’s so easy to go back there. It’s that dark place that becomes your refuge, your home, your comfort. You go there when things start to get bad again, but of course never that far into the abyss, just close enough to feel at home again. The candles come out, lights go off, and bottles come out. It’s you, alcohol, and a pretend smile. Things, always, will be better tomorrow. It’s just getting through the present moment that’s the bitch. 

It is easier sometimes, but it’s hard as hell sometimes too. The butterflies swarm your stomach and you’re nauseous, and no, there isn’t a logical reason for it. It just is. It happens, stays a while, then leaves. Routine is essential. I’ve also discovered that time alone is an enemy. It gives you too much opportunity to analyze, to be restless, to think, and God that’s the last thing you really want to do. 

You wonder why can’t I be happy? Why do I continue to fight this battle? Everything is fine, I should be happy, so why? Nature doesn’t offer the answers to the questions we ask sometimes. We just have to keep going, keep fighting, and make it through another day.

For me, depression isn’t something to win or lose at. To lose would mean suicide, and I love my family too much for that. To win would mean never feeling this way again, and I sure as hell know that won’t happen. I’ve stopped fighting the illogical aspect of it and have accepted it. Sure, medicine is an option, but I don’t want that. I’m making it work without it. I want to overcome this, but I don’t believe that’s possible. Call me a pessimist, whatever. I like to think I’m a realist, and I just know that this is a battle that I will always be fighting. I just have to be strong enough to get through the waves when they start crashing. I’ve been through it before and overcame the bouts, and I’ll do it again. 

I’ve always been that girl who jumps from relationship to relationship, but it’s never been totally intentional. It just so happens that after a break up, someone else will come along...just not in a timely manner. So there I’ll go again, rush, rush, rush. 

What happened is that it caught up with me. After four years of continuous relationships, and the longest break between each being three months at the most (that makes me cringe, to be honest), I finally realize that I need alone time. Time with my roommate, making jokes, drinking coffee/hot chocolate, and binge watching Hallmark movies. Time outlining my story and reading a new book. Time at the gym and scheduling yoga classes. Time to stretch and breathe and welcome a new day. While I could do all of this in a relationship, it’s very different to do it outside of one. There is no constant worry about the other person, such as what they’re doing, if you’re getting along that day, or if you have plans with them. It’s...quiet. Solitude I welcome with open arms.

I tried to explain that to my ex, that I just needed some time alone, a break if you will. He doesn’t believe in breaks which makes it that much harder. He’s barely talked to me since the conversation, but I know that this is something I must do for myself. 

It hit me last night. I’m lonely. I’m used to having that one person to turn to and confide in about everything, but honestly, I don’t need that. I have friends, several close friends. They’re here for me to talk to, to joke with, to just sit in silence with. To be truly happy, sometimes you have to force yourself to be alone. 

What makes you happy? What makes you sad? Do you even know, or are you just a continuation of your significant other? How do you even know yourself if you don’t force yourself to find out?