The Void

After so many months, I'm back. He's gone, and I don't care anymore. But there's someone else and I just wanna kiss him and that's how you know you're fucked. When you wanna kiss him from the first day you realize you like him.

The desire to kiss him has been overwhelming lately. I'm not really sure what to do.

I am still bitter and I realize how bad that is. Being merciful is so hard. Being graceful is so hard. It's in these times that I remember all the mercy that has been lavished on me. The grace. Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace.

This month has brought disorder and chaos beyond what I imagined. But I have a new belt, and a breastplate, and new shoes to carry me though these times

This will go down as the worst night in my entire life

I've realized that as long as there's the tiniest glimmer of hope that I can be with him (and barring an act of God) I won't be able to get over him

The hardest part is having to let go of the possibility

Wowowow

I never know what to say to you And I've been especially vulnerable lately The one time we talked personally I ended up hurt I know you didn't mean it But I've been very sensitive lately And it's hard to take a barrage of "whys" questioning all of my choices I'm not permanently hurt by you In fact, I'm glad you hurt me It was a reminder I needed A painful reminder That you're just as busted up and terrible as me I forgive you And I know as (if?) we get closer That's something I'll have to continue to do

Holy, holy Holy, holy Holy, holy is The Lord Almighty (I began to understand why God died)

I saw both of them today. The one I used to admire and the one I can’t decide if I admire. The one I can’t decide about, he’s different now. Maybe it was just because he was tired. But I don’t think so. I think he’s changed. Maybe only a bit. But he has. He gave me a hug. I wasn’t expecting it at all. But it was sweet. I’ve missed him. I’ve missed both of them. I bought a present for the one I used to admire, because his family is throwing a surprise birthday party for him. I got him some coffee. I hope he likes it. And I hope it gets here in time. I just want to be his friend, more than anything.

Bring me home

It's been a long time. I'm a lot different. I don't care too much anymore about him. He probably hates me and honestly it's better that way. He's not back yet. I'm not sure what's going to happen when he comes back. I hope he's changed and grown. I hope they all have. Growth is good for the soul.

I don't want to idealize you. You're a human, first and foremost. I need to remember that. I wish you wouldn't be gone for so long, but I think it's stopped me from falling for you. So maybe it's a good thing. I don't think you'll be the same when you come back.

Since when did tolerance Get so intolerant

This here See this is a different kind of bad

There’s no word for the longing I feel Because the longing I feel isn’t a longing that can’t be satisfied It can It could But will it? It’s the unknown the possibility That kills me Because if I stand a chance then why am I sitting here But if I don’t I don’t want to stand up You see my dilemma? I don’t know what to think and still I long So deeply So painfully I long