World Change is How I Roll

I slept three hours last night and I woke to my stomach growling with hunger. In fact, my body was so demanding of food that I was made nearly physically ill. I did not eat until 3. Not because I wasn't hungry, but because my mind was not with my stomach and I live in my mind which was on the future. My mind was in Friday and Saturday and weeks from now and months from now. And my mind is looking in the mirror asking, "Are you good enough?" And that is the only time I have the courage to say "Shhh."

But now, it is 2 a.m. and Courage sleeps when the mind is still awake. And my mind has nocturnal friends that repeat over and over and over every little scenario that can happen. Every abandonment. Every wrong word said. They are invisible gremlins in the darkness and I think if I listen closely enough I can hear them in the corners of my room, but I think it is just the remembrance of my quiet shudder in the stillness.

Have I told you my walls are thin? Not the walls of my mind or my sanity, but the physical walls I live in and every time I cry I wonder if my roommates can hear me. And I wonder if they turn their backs, nuzzle deeper into their pillows, put in headphones. I try to be quiet and small and everything I tell myself not to be.

Tonight, it is 2 am and the night imps are throwing a party in my mind and I finally snapped and reached out for help. And I was met with validation and love and understanding and everything I thought I would not receive. I expected a message left on seen, I expected an excuse. I expected and almost wished for my expectations because now I am feeling hope and acceptance and understanding and I don't know how to rebuild that wall I had against every other man if this is shattered.