Fearlessly and Flawlessly Made

“ Yes,” he says awkwardly, removing the toothbrush from his mouth and spitting out the toothpaste.

“ Baby,” Michonne says methodically.

“ How long have you been using my toothbrush?” she asks, hoping this is his first time. Rick slowly stares, understanding that this is the woman who is capable of so much; Unsure if he is talking to the Michonne who is capable of making love to him in a way that lets him know he is safe, or if he is talking to the Michonne who is capable of throwing him out of helicopters. He doesn't know which version of his wife he is dealing with so he takes his time-

“ Since two days ago-”

“ Rick!”

“ What? I lost my toothbrush-”

“ So you’re using mine?” she ask, coming to poke his bare chest. She wipes the residual toothpast from his mouth.

“ I’m you’re husband, Michonne. We share things,” he says as if she didn't know.

“ Yes, but we dont share toothbrushes."

“ So let me get this straight,” he says, a smile forming on his face, beginning to feel amused.

“ You can wear my boxers, and virtually my entire wardrobe, but I can't use your toothbrush? Why not?” He ask, turning the shower on to heat up the water.

“ Because sharing a toothbrush means sharing germs,” she says, trying to avoid his animated eye contact.

“ Ah so you dont think we share germs when I stick my tongue in your mouth?” he ask, providing an example by kissing her deeply. She lets herself melt into him, sucking on his tongue like its candy and holding onto his naked chest. He wants to deepen the kiss, but he just made a point and he needs her to admit it.

“ That’s different?” she says, dreamily staring at his parted lips, and playing with the hair on his chest.

“ How so?” he softly whispers in that bedroom voice that makes her feel warm in all the good spots.

“ Because a toothbrush pulls the germs from your teeth, Rick. That is its literal purpose.”

“ You know, theres a little boy sleeping down the hallway with my DNA and your DNA. I think we’re past the point of sharing cooties, honey,” he says, his hand reaching down to squeeze her ass.

“ Stop using my toothbrush, Grimes,” she says resolutely, pecking his lips.

“ Yes mam. You wanna jump in the shower with me?”He asks, and she laughs because they share everything but a shower. Michonne likes the water scalding hot, and Rick likes it too cold. They share everything, they compromise- he lets her take most of the covers. He gives her his food. She lets him use her lotion and hair care. They share the most beautiful boy… they share everything, but a shower.

“ I think you already know the answer to that. Hurry up Grimes, I’m in a cuddling mood.”

Now, the Grimes house is asleep. Junior is tossing and turning in a nightmare he cant seem to wake up from, and so is his mom. She turns her head, tears streaming down her face as she fights in a nightmare looking for Rick. In this nightmare, she has lost him again, and she cant find him. She has lost her better half; The part of her who makes her want to live and not just survive. The part of her who agreed to creating a child at the end of the world, because loving eachother was as easy as breathing. In this dream, there wasn’t a maybe Rick was gone. He was really gone. The world didn’t have a Rick Grimes. He left her. Left her alone to fend for herself. Cold and isolated.

“ Rick,” she wakes up, her knee accidentally bumping his. She’s frazzled, reaching out into the darkness. Perhaps she just needs to be calmed in a way that no one ever calmed her when she lost her husband. Perhaps she just need to be reassured in a way that only Rick can. And he does just that.

He was just trapped in his dreams, whisked away to the old world where walkers didn’t roam. He was married to Michonne and all was right with the world. Lori and Shane never happened. Glenn never died. Herschel was still breathing. In his dreams, Michonne was a lawyer, and he was the head of security for a tech company. He and Michonne had just been on a family road trip, with a much younger Junior who needed to sit in a car seat. Rick is prone to do that a lot…dream about a world where he and Michonne get to raise their baby as a baby. In this dream, they were on their way to Disney world, and suddenly Carl appeared, visiting from college which didn’t make sense because Lori didn’t exist in his world, in the place where he goes to be happy. Nevertheless, it doesn’t matter how, carl would always be apart of what made Rick happy and besides…it’s his dreams. It doesn’t have to make sense. Carl had been teasing his baby brother when Rick felt his wife moving-

“ Michone,” he says barely awake, his fight or flight senses engaged, anytime he thinks his wife is in trouble. Before his vision can focus, he feels her jumping onto him, cleaving to his skin, and cradling her face in his neck. If he wasn’t awake, he is now. He gently rocks her, soothing her and shushing her until her cries become whimpers. He sits back against the headboard for a better position, his arms wrapped around her as he makes tiny kisses on her forehead.

“ You wanna tell me what happened?” He ask gently, knowing she had a nightmare. He dips his face down and lifts her chin with his finger. Her eyes are so full of tears it makes him feel sick that she feels this way.

“ I lost you. Again,” she says, descending into her spiral again, the effects of her dream having a visceral and physical affect on her. He doesn’t need her to explain because even though they are happy again, his disappearance hangs around the Grimes family household like a ghost that doesn’t understand it’s overstayed it’s welcome. He sees it whenever she frets when he goes on a run, or when she kisses him long and hard before he goes to his job as head of security at the CommonWealth. He sees it when Junior falls asleep on him for no reason at all, his little hands wrapping around his fathers neck for dear life.

“ I’m here, honey,” He says dreamily, rocking her again.

“ It was so real, Rick. It felt so real. I can’t lose you again. This time you were really gone. You weren’t just missing. You died right in front of me. You were in a casket, and you wouldn’t move!” she says, feeling herself fall all over again, her cheek resting on his bare chest.

“ You won’t ever lose me. Ever again,” he promises. After a moment, her troubled thoughts manifest into words.

“ You can’t promise that,” she says and Rick knows she’s right and he hates that she is right.

“ Other than losing Andre and Carl, that was the worst time of my life.”

“ Tell me about it,” Rick says, realizing that once they reunited they didn’t have time to catch-up because they had to survive. He dreamed of their reunion so many times, happening in many different ways, but Jadis happened, and conversations that needed to take place had to take a backseat. He knows his family forsook his pregnant wife, but that’s it. They just moved on as if it never happened. Maybe if they talk about it, she’ll heal. They’ll heal.

“ I was so scared and so alone. I was in denial for a month because I couldnt imagine living in a world you didn’t live in. You’re my best friend, the person I look at when I’m laughing. And suddenly, you were gone. I felt so empty. And then all of a sudden and all at once, I felt full.”

Rick takes this moment to lay his head on his pillow, helping her to readjust her position on top of him. She presses her bosom into him, her face resting on his chest. She traps his body between her thighs, drawing circles on his chest, while he looks at the ceiling fan, thinking of how miserable being away from his wife was.

“ Even though we had tried for RJ, I was shocked when the stick was positive. I didn’t realize it immediately. I’d missed my period millions of time so it didn’t mean much when I missed it again. Besides I had been grieving you. When I took that test- it was the saddest and most happiest I’d ever been, and when that little boy was born… God, he was so cute Rick. Had the chunkiest cheeks and the biggest smile. He was such a happy baby- unmarked by any pain. He was the gift you left behind while I grieved alone for years. I didn’t have any pictures of you, I had nothing from you- except him. Rick Grimes Junior. Naming him was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. He’s our ultimate gift,” she mumbles into his skin feeling his heart race and his muscles tense.

“ I am angry Michonne. I am angry all of the time, ” he says.

“ I know.”

“ You saved our family. You led us. You led me. And they forsook you in your most vulnerable moment.”

And though she’d rather him stop, she understands that emotions need to be expressed in order to be healed.

“ I was so scared Rick. I would go to sleep, wrapped in your shirt, cuddling our happy little baby. He is the best of us,” she says, and a smile spreads on her face, because she knows that talking about RJ is healing for the both of them. They created him, not out of obligation or for someone else to keep alive; they made him so they could live and enjoy living… their gift to eachother for making the world right and beautiful for one another. He is the very best thing that has ever happened too them as a couple, and they have each other to thank for that. The best gift that anyone could ever give them, could only come from them, and they were robbed from experiencing his first years together.

“ When he was a toddler, he reminded me of why I never wanted more than one child. He never threw tantrums but he would wake up at three am and jump on our bed. Putting him to sleep was an olympic sport. He loved to run around the house for hours until his tiny little body fell asleep. Sometimes he wouldnt even make it to the bed. Sometimes, I would let him fall asleep in his clothes, in our bed. He loved those little dinosaur toys, knew all their names at 3 years old. You should’ve seen him with his chubby cheeks, pronouncing a Diplodocus,” she says laughing and feeling his body shake with joy.

There they lay, cuddled on each other. Rick plays in her hair, happy that her heart rate has soothed and that they are back together. Happy that his wife feels loved and cared for after the way she was carelessly mistreated. Their eyes close, prepared to rest, when they hear a scream. They both jump, when their bedroom door burst open. Junior, in his red pajamas, stands, wiping his eyes.

“ Dad,” he whimpers, running to jump on the bed. He jumps on his parents, Michonne making room for him to lay on top of his father, as whimpers wrack his 8 year old body. It feels like forever that Michonne rubs circles in his skin, shushing him. It feels like forever hat Rick caresses his curls, but then eventually, he suddenly lifts his head staring into his father’s eyes as if to confirm that he is really there.

“ Junior,” Rick says, sitting up to make sure his son is okay, discreetly wiping away the tears that are falling down his face.

“ Baby-” Michonne says, gently rubbing his hand, coaxing him out of whatever nightmare he just left.

“ I lost him again. I lost daddy,” He says.

“ Oh son,” Rick says, visibly crying now. He cradles his little boy, allowing the tears to drip from his eyes. This family has been through so much trauma- too much trauma that is almost too much for a human heart to take. Junior is the evidence that Rick loves Michonne and that Michonne loves Rick, and yet their little family spent almost a decade mourning what should’ve been a celebration- so Rick and Michonne hold him, just like they would’ve if they had been able to do when he was a baby. They hold him, soothing him back to sleep like they would’ve if he was three years old and not eight, and Rick hadn’t been held against his will, away from his child. All those years, they could’ve been sharing their bed with their baby, joking and competing on who’s side of the family Junior takes off of most. All those years, Rick could’ve been teasing Michonne that the Grimes genes are stronger than her Hawthorne genes, and Junior looks like his grandpa who would’ve been so proud to meet him. All those years, Rick could’ve been passing down stories that his dad , Farmer Grimes, told him. All those years, Rick could’ve been raising his son-

Rick squeezes his son as if someone will yank him away from him- finally grieving what was stolen from them. Junior was his idea. He wanted his namesake- not just so that he could keep someone alive, no, he wanted him to live. Junior is their future, marking a turning point where they get to be happy. Where they get be parents who raise their child, without the help of a community. Junior was their restart, their fresh start that resembled the kind of family Rick and Michonne could’ve been in the old world. he was their chance at normalcy, and yet the boy’s first years were filled with having to look into the mirror to see how his father looked like. He had to listen to stories about his father, rather than hearing them himself.

“ I’m here, son,” Rick whimpers, succumbing to the emotion, wrapping his son in an envelope of love. Rick has always valued family. He has always wanted the love hat his parents had. He thought he found it in his first marriage, but quickly realized that was never going to happen. He almost gave up on love. Then Michonne happened. They decided to share that love with a little version of themselves but then life happened.

“ Daddy, please don’t leave,” Junior says spiraling, his eyes closed, almost as if he is still stuck in his bad dream.

” Junior. Junior look at me!” Rick gently shakes him, making sure his boy is fully awake.

” Daddy is right here. I’m right here!” He says, placing Junior’s hand on his chest the same way Michonne laced his hand on her chest months ago when he was having a panic attack. And just like that gesture calmed Rick, it seems to calm Rick Junior, as he begins to breath evenly, his facial expression softening as he realizes that his reality is so much better than remaining in his nightmares. Exhausted from the terror, he slumps onto his father, laying his head in the crook of his neck, as Rick lays his head on the pillow. Juniors parents cuddle around him, the safest he’ll ever be. Before they know it, their son returns to sleep, safe in their arms. Michonne gently caresses his curls, as Rick rocks him back and forth, softly kissing his forehead.

” I love you so much,” Rick says to his baby, hoping that his son hears the unconditional love his father whispered to him before he was swept back into his dreams. Somewhere, far away in Junior’s dreams, he holds his father’s hand, following him wherever he leads, trusting him, because he knows that the safest he’ll ever be, is with his dad.