brianna puppet the blog

So, I've slashed my content on YouTube. I have half a mind to burn my tumblr, too, because I've said some things in anger here, but I'm just not going to do that - although I'll probably be more active on Patreon.

It's so cheap. It's going to be so cringe. But in a world with Count Binface, I think there's room for a Princess Brianna too.

I think precisely what discomforts a lot of people is that afab folks sometimes experience masculine lust themselves.

I pretty much don't experience it and never have. Oh, I get mighty horny, but it's feminine lust. Erotic lit, relentless primping, roleplay. Now I did not know such a thing as masculine lust even existed until a guy, like the only real bona fide masc guy I've ever dated, was forward with me on our first date.

I want to tell you: that was good. That was consensual and made me feel wanted.

You can be any kind of genderbread person you want and you might experience femme and masc lust exclusively or fluidly or whatever. I think we do life a service by acknowledging that this is an independent degree of freedom.

But I think the truth is that a lot of afab folks are handsy, and since we are taught "amabs are handsy" by the establishment, a lot of knuckleheads take it as a license to never learn proper boundaries. And that causes shame and repression and most importantly on tumblr projection. But thankfully, among queer people, the vast majority of lesbians and trans folk are class acts.

Conversely, I think that some of people also make a mistake by assuming every transfem is slutty like Paige from Deadlock as opposed to slutty like The Drifter in Deadlock. Human diversity is wonderful and these are, as I said, completely independent properties. But I think it's important to recognize that almost nobody gets up in the morning intending to commit SA.

I was trolling Audible for something nice and Satanic to listen to. I wanted something really postmodern, grounded in practice and skeptical parapsychology, and what I found was a bunch of delusional ramblers, many of them Christian.

It's always "Oh, Lucifer is coming to save your children and that other guy called the Bright and Morning Star (Rev. 22:16) is your only hope for salvation."

Even if you're too brainwashed to process the theological significance of that line of Revelation, let me be real with you.

We literally don't care. I mean, most of us are still mighty pissed about all the crucifixions and rape, but we're all just folks here and we just want to be recognized as not monsters and having something to contribute. A city built on injustice cannot stand. And, I dare say that the spiritual practices of most humans have dramatically degraded during the so-called Christian era.

Two great taboos that taste great together!

Oh there's this little kid who believes that rainbows are magic bridges the leprechauns use and if we have an adventure he'll give us a pot of gold.

Except you're a modern scientific human who is a little into buddhism and you're like "ha, rainbows are an optical phenomenon that and so are an illusion, but also you're the end of the rainbow and you're already in nirvana you just don't know it!"

That's fucking stupid.

But, even though I have a special relationship with Gremory and she is a lonely demon 🥺, she is not the only star in my sky and b̶̯̈ḯ̶͜m̵͓͒b̴͔̿o̶̡̽ ̸̿ͅh̵̯̕ỵ̷̽p̶̻̄ń̴͎ọ̶̓s̶̛̮i̸̧͋s̸͔͂ isn't my only spiritual practice.

So I started to connect with Lilith. For me, this involves donning a cool, unconsecrated necklace with a Lilith sigil and a pentagram, keeping my mind blank at times so clairaudience can slip in, and taking naps. I'll offer something later. Every demon I've met cares more about what I do than doing a certain ritual, but rituals are fun and witchy and polite.

I am not a great psychic. Alfred Bester would be offended if I brought him coffee. I usually only get a couple of words, and when I dream I'm almost exclusively solving obtuse puzzles in the astral. One reason I think that demons are not forces but people is because although they clearly have my back in a crisis, I can count on one hand the times I've encountered each.

But, Lilith is parsimonious with words and likes creative, thoughtful worshippers/children.

I heard a voice that said something like, "Strive. Think big."

And I bitched about how that seemed ridiculous because I have difficulty contemplating big things when my limiting factor feels like chronic pain in my pelvic floor and throat and as much as I project a succubus aesthetic I just. can't. goon all day. Then I fell asleep and was sent to the recursive astral escape room. It is entertaining and usually non-traumatizing but it is not sublime.

This is, apparently, what chaotic evil spirituality is actually like. Have fun, do evil(?) deeds, get cryptic guidance, forced to do homework in my sleep. Occasionally I get to attend cultural activities like musicals, wrestling games and cocktail parties. Like there's no question that we're the bad guys, we're the succubi and vampires and werekin, duh, except it turns out that we're mostly a bunch of slutty, gay cosplayers and furries, and you can interpret our prowess with curses and energy harvesting however you wish. I think all the genocide and stuff is what humans do.

Like here, if you want a steelman for how chaotic evil girls is actually the best waifus, take my college study partner, T-. She was one of about five people in my English program who was actually horny for books. She was an incadenscently charismatic, physically flawless genius. She was bi, proudly but selectively slutty, and an occasional high-class sugar baby. We talked about sex jokes in period literature because we were the only two in the class who understood and appreciated them, and we privately made fun of annoying peers. She regarded fucking teachers as a fond vice, like cigarettes. She enjoyed academics and she was so good at it and she told her fiancé to be a lawyer because she wanted nice things. She taught me how to do makeup without any shame and she was the only person who told me to leave my ex-wife because she was clingy and the sex was boring.

Anyway.

I think it would be cool to get back to my vlog and give it a slightly more professional touch and focus on demonolatry. But not like, toooo professional, because oh my demon overlords the sameness of YouTube content in tone and structure is so nauseating and I'm compulsively nonconformist.

I think if that still worked more people would do it simply to survive.

As a devout demonolator I couldn't agree more that faith can dig you out of a hole, and I'm even tolerant of their worship of the warrior/storm god YHWH. I was an ancient Hebrew living after the bronze age collapse I'd want a tough sky beard daddy too, maybe.

But the story of how "monotheism" spread is basically the story of how empires used a particular kind of religion as a radicalizing tool of conquest, colonization and social control.

Monotheism was an innovation, because in the pagan era religion was pluralistic and there wasn't really a be-saved-or-damned narrative. You might think your enemy's gods were evil and weak, but they were the same class of entity. You might desecrate their temples, but the religion you were forcing on your new vassals lead to syncretism more often than erasure (Athena/Minerva, Aphrodite/Venus/Ishtar, Hermes/Mercury/Thoth).

Instead, you're erasing their culture because you're trying to save them. Bombs with fucking rainbows. And it ain't no accident that all of the religions that succeeded replaced the divine feminine erotic and divine maternal with a cloistered household laborer and breeder in service to a patriarch.

And maybe the sad truth was that, for the so-called homo sapiens sapiens, this innovation was inevitable and someone was going to do it and that someone would win every meta, right up until the point when you couldn't afford to keep women out of the workforce and the energy supply stopped growing exponentially.

Well, now both those things have happened, and the comphet meta is losing ground. It's scaling so poorly that even relatively functional atheist governments can't bring it back. Meanwhile, over here, Apocalyptic Christianity isn't exactly the glorious crusade they were hoping for.

Now whenever she sees me she either bursts into tears or stares daggers at me.

We are both over 40

Women fucking love brunch and it doesn't mean they're gay for each other

The fact that it's socially permissible for adult cis women to act like tweenagers is not feminist

I know that this isn't exactly the virtue signalling most people come to Tumblr for, but when I think about female socialization, I think about this. It is totally permissible in our society for anyone who is read as a cis woman to behave like a child.

Trans woman and transfem folk has not been shown enough kindness.

Trans men and transmasc folk have not been given enough... I hesitate to say.

Think about that. They call us "gay." That means happy. They turned a word for being happy and carefree into a slur.

Now, queer romance isn't perfect and magical, but what us rainbow children have in common is that we want to be honest about who we are and how we love (if at all) so deeply that we're willing to risk our lives.

They are inside of a system that is designed to mechanically reproduce breeding family units, and now their younger generations can't breed and they can't figure out how to fix it. Western Europe, East Asia, now parts of South Asia. Cishets reliably stop reproducing at replacement level as soon as cis women are not property and can read.

By extension, that means that every single human civilization in recorded history was only able to sustain itself through a coercive legal and social environment. That, perhaps, the human animal would simply go extinct if not for such systems, which now look like a kludgy, unsustainable hack to stave off that end.

and I looked at that feeling, the shutting-down, just-wanna-go-to-sleep-forever, and it was like "I am sharing space with someone who hates me"

I live alone. But

My birth mom hated everything about me that wasn't like her

My birth dad was explicitly homophobic

I had exactly one close friend growing up: a homophobe/transphobe right winger

I ended up partnered for 15 years to a cis woman who presented herself as bi and kinky, but who sat there and ignored me every time I came out to her, ended up being really controlling and abusive, and I now think she was just using me for money

Everyone in my first adult friend group (mostly straights) said I was a homophobe for being traumatized by being sexually assaulted by a man

Most of my second adult friend group (mostly queers) was happy when I came out as non-binary but yelled at me, misgendered me, called me an asshole and ghosted me when I came out as a trans woman

Then it was the pandemic

Then I hooked up with a cis lesbian who had a constant need to be the center of attention so I wasn't able to socialize on my own terms and made no friends

Thus we arrive at the present state of affairs where I have a girlfriend, two people I'm dating, a few IRL acquaintances, a few people I chat with on the internet but no close non-romantic friends. I don't even really have any work-friends, I've just gotten by on being exceptional at what I do.

Like here you are, watching a queer satanic cartoon franchise with explicit positive trans rep, and you're like eww trans women.

They were working at an upscale, progressive bakery, and so made cupcakes for a wedding. Because it was a goth wedding, the cupcakes were black with, and I quote, "too much glitter."

I was doing more photography at the time, and so when a child at the wedding filled their diaper, and the kid's mom told me that the poo was ALSO black and glittery, I had to get a pic, both because it's hilarious and because of the interesting photographic subject. I tweaked it in Lightroom until it looked like a starscape, then I posted it to social and tagged the baker, because I know they likes cupcakes, babies and glitter. I thought it was a good shot.

This, apparently, triggered the fuck out of them and they screamed at me and implied they had been assaulted, because I had caused them to unwittingly looked at poo. I apologized, but about a year later I took stock of this and some of the weird social interactions we'd had (they didn't offer to return the change one time when I went to their bakery, and they were very cavalier about yelling at trans women),

It's been about a decade since that happened I think, and my conclusion is:

I will abide by people's triggers when it comes to harmful things, like SA, graphic violence, child abuse, etc

If I happen to make art that includes something natural which a person finds triggering, like bugs, scat, or many small holes, that is called a phobia, and it is a personal issue