Working on Myself

“What if I said I was looking for you?” she asked raising her eyebrows once, looking at Willow through her eye lashes. She just wanted to distract Willow from Brenda long enough for her to get a better grip on herself. Of course she had not been looking for Willow, she had been looking for Brenda, but the tension between the older girl and herself had constantly been growing for a while now. She knew it and Willow knew it too. Something was bound to happen sometime soon. The question really was, what? Either Willow would hex the crap out of her or she would jump her. Obviously Gemma would prefer the latter.

Brenda knew that what Willow said shouldn’t have bothered her. It wasn’t like she wanted to kiss the older girl anyway. Not at all. But if the seventh year thought there was something wrong with Brenda… she was probably right. Probably no one wanted to kiss her. Most likely Gemma had just done it to be nice. The thoughts swirled in her head, driving away the panic, if nothing else.

The stutter in Willow’s voice drew her attention back to the other girls. They were standing closer to each other now. And then instead of… whatever had caused Willow to stutter, the older girl was angry. Furious, it seemed, because Gemma had called her a coward. Brenda could see the wand in her hand, and knew that Gemma didn’t have hers out. She was still terrified, but she couldn’t let Willow curse her only friend. Without even thinking about it, she took a step forward and said “No!” It wasn’t particularly loud or forceful, but she didn’t stutter, and it came out clearly in the momentary silence between the two girls.

Brenda was doing a lot better since they didn’t share a tent with Willow anymore and their interaction was reduced to a minimum. Gemma always tried to keep Willow away from Brenda the best she could or at least not have them alone somewhere. Because whenever Gemma was with Brenda Willow was more likely to leave Brenda alone. And to Gemma, and Brenda too, that was perfectly fine.

She was really thirsty and thought that might have been the reason she woke up and so she put on her robes over her shirt and shorts she slept in, put on some sneakers and walked towards the kitchen, former bar or whatever it was called now, to get herself a glass of water.

Since Brenda hadn’t been in or near the kitchen either Gemma started to worry; the other girl had not said anything about an assignment and all groups that had one had left earlier in the day and would be back by morning. So where was she?

She looked into every room that was not a bedroom until finally only the training room was left. Should Brenda really be in there? Yes, Gemma realized, she totally would be in there trying to practice even though she was probably exhausted.

When she realized that Gemma had walked in, she sagged with relief. Her friend wouldn’t let Willow do anything overly awful to her. The seventh year threw a withering glance at Brenda but put down her wand. Brenda’s heart was still pounding in her chest. Now that she wasn’t in immediate danger, she could feel the panic of what had almost happened welling up in her chest. It hurt. She dug her fingernails into her palm, trying to will herself not to have a panic attack right now. In front of anyone but Willow, honestly.

Without really intending to, her eyes widened and her face coloured at Gemma’s words, although they weren’t meant towards her. Although the idea of doing those things with Willow was, well, terrifying, but Brenda couldn’t fight the blush. Willow seemed just as embarrassed, but her response was to throw a scathing glance and words at Brenda, who tried to defend herself.

She took a step back and motioned to the other’s wand with her own. “Pick it up.” She held out her arms, “If you really want to practice, why don’t you do it for real.” A sneer came to her lips as she continued, “come on I challenge you to a duel.” She bowed slightly to her opponent as was customary, although she really didn’t see why should have to bow to anyone especially when she was about to destroy them. Her eyes never left the girl though and as she stood she took another step back to give them more room. Realizing she didn’t feel like there was enough space to play with her target she cast her wand towards the dummies throwing them against the back wall. “There,” she smiled, “that’s better. Now, shall we begin?”

At the other girl’s instruction, Brenda leaned down to snatch up her wand before retreating quickly. Her blood felt like ice as Willow told her what she intended to do. A duel? But… Brenda could hardly cast a proper stunning spell; the older girl had just seen that. And, and, and Brenda wasn’t sure where Willow would draw the line. Would she stop at just stunning Brenda, or was she going to hurt her. Without intending to, her mind flashed towards the memory of Calithra cursing Randall. Oh Merlin. “P-please I-I can’t!” she begged. A large flinch ran through her as the Slytherin threw the dummies back.

Brenda stood there trembling in front of Willow. She didn’t know what to say to get the other girl to stop. “I’m s-so sorry. I didn’t mean to!” she insisted, but that didn’t change anything. Just when she was sure the older girl was going to cast something, Brenda heard the same footsteps. Part of her wanted speak up, to call attention to the room in case the person was just planning on walking by. But even if that did get her out of this situation, she was sure that Willow would be so angry that she would come back at Brenda later. The handle turned and the door opened, although Willow was in the way, so Brenda couldn’t see who was walking in. Still, the relief was almost enough to make the tears in her eyes fall over.

She started walking the sort distance to the actual toilet when she heard what sounded like someone in the practice room. She was sure it was quite late and pulled out her wand before cracking the door to investigate. As soon as she did a jet of red light shot towards her. It was a poorly executed stunning spell and she was only pushed back a few feet. But, that was all that it took to set her on fire.

At first, she tried to stutter through an apology and explain that she had just been startled, but then Willow started in on how Brenda was never going to be let out of the house on a mission. Although, really, she had known that, it still hurt to have it thrown in her face. When Willow stepped into the room, Brenda took a step back. Gemma had said that Willow wouldn't actually hurt her, but that probably didn't extend to Brenda, and Gemma wasn't here now. 

“That was really nice Brenda and I’m really glad it was you. I think I would have died of embarrassment if someone wanted to kiss me and I had never done it before.” She hugged her friend a little closer to show her just how grateful she was to have her as a friend and to have shared this with her. Then she grinned and started to waggle around a little. “But I really need to get up now because my butt starts to freeze solid and I really need to get out of these wet clothes. Also we should really try and get some sleep. I think I promised you snuggling.”

But in contrast to her words she made no move to let Brenda get up, still hugging her close. “We can make one big sleeping bag out of our two, that way it won’t get cold and we have lots of snuggles.”

“I’m glad too, Gemma.” Brenda didn’t know what she would do without the Gryffindor. She wanted to get noticed by other people, by boys, but if this hadn’t happened, it would be impossible. She would stutter herself away from anyone who might possibly be interested, not that there were very many to begin with. She tried to wrap her arms around Gemma in return, but it wasn’t really possible with how they were laying. At the other girl’s words, Brenda started to get up, but Gemma’s hands held her in place. Putting their sleeping bags into one would be a good idea, but Brenda wasn’t sure they should do it right now.

“Maybe we should wait for tonight. I don’t,” she hesitated, trying not to stutter. “I don’t want to wake the other girls up.” Brenda could hardly imagine the wrath that would fall upon them if they woke Willow up this early in the morning. The slytherin wasn’t a morning person (Or an afternoon person, or an evening person). Brenda didn’t want to be on the receiving end of her anger. Being ignored was much better than having the other girl angry. She wasn’t even sure how the other girls would react to them sleeping in the same bed to begin with. Would the think it was weird? Brenda ignored that thought. It didn’t matter what the other girls thought about it.

The Slytherin sighed loudly in frustration. “Stop apologizing and shut up. If I wasn’t ready I wouldn’t be here.” Willow spat at the girl. “I told you to hurry up, we have to make it to the edge of the camp before we can apparate anywhere. Which in my opinion is utterly ridiculous! This whole no using magic nonsense is bloody ridiculous! I mean aren’t we fighting for the sake of being able to use magic wherever we want?! What are we doing hiding away in the forest collecting fucking firewood for Merlin’s sake?! Ugh!!!” Willow finished her rant and turned to look at the fifth year. When she noticed the girl was lagging behind she growled. “Come the fuck on! If I have to wait on your ass all day, you’re going to be sorry.” Icy eyes bore into the brunette giving her a taste of what was to come if she didn’t get her shit together then she turned and continued walking, increasing her pace and challenging the girl to keep up.

Willow had contemplated telling her pathetic companion her plan before they got there, but after the few minutes the Slytherin spent with the little Hufflepuff she realized that it was be quicker and less painful if she just had the girl follow her rather than try to explain herself. At least she knew there would be no argument. The younger female could barely form a sentence together let alone stand against a strong personality like Willow. Maybe in the end it would make things easier. At least she would be able to accomplish what she really wanted without anyone trying to fight her about it.

She listened silently to Willow’s rant. Unconsciously, she dropped back a little bit, lest the rant turn on her. She didn’t point out that if they used much magic in the camp, the Old Guard would be able to find them, and they wouldn’t hesitate to hurt them. Brenda knew that Willow wouldn’t listen to anything she said, so it was better not to say anything. But then Willow turned around and told Brenda to catch up. She let a thinly veiled threat loose, and Brenda’s thoughts turned to how Gail had threatened her when she’d forced her to go to that classroom. Oh Merlin. How did she always end up in these situations?

Gemma had seemed so sure of Willow, so sure that she was all bark and no bite. But… Brenda could still feel the way Gail had grabbed her, although the bruises had faded. Brenda was pretty sure that she was shaking as she did her very best to keep up with Willow. She had to at least try, because even if Willow did something to her, she couldn’t tell Gemma, not since she knew how Gemma felt, or might feel, about Willow. At some point, she starting jogging lightly to keep up with the Slytherin. It was cold outside, so she actually appreciated the movement, since it warmed her up.

Brenda froze. She had never apparated except for side-alongs with her mother. She was two whole years too young to even learn how to do it, plus she doubted that she would be any good at it. It wasn’t exactly an easy spell, and Brenda knew that if she ever did learn how to do it, it would take a long time to get the hang of.

It was like she had been sitting in a dark room and now someone was turning the lights on, slowly as if not to blind her but rather help her to finally see what was going on around her. It all made so much more sense now, the books she had read, the movies, Remy’s constant hunt for someone to snog, why everyone was so damn desperate to find someone.

But there was also a whole new set of questions accompanying this new experience, the most pressing if it was okay to be kissing your best friend like this and … being totally turned on by it. But for now she didn’t want to think about it too much since she really was enjoying this way too much to jeopardize it by deep thoughts.

Poking her tongue back out she started to tease Brenda’s with it, her breathing becoming heavier with every second. She let her hand drift from Brenda’s hip to the small of her back in an attempt to bring her closer and tried to adjust her own position to become more comfortable. She wanted to stabilize herself with her other hand on the tree stump they were sitting on, but her hand only met air, having miscalculated the place she was in in relations to the edge of the stump. Being caught off guard she lost her balance and fell backwards from the tree into the snow, pulling Brenda with her so that she would land in top of her.

The impact drove the air from her lungs for a moment, but as soon as she recovered she started laughing, covering her mouth with her hand so she wouldn’t wake up or alert the guards to their presence.

Unconsciously, she curled her free hand into Gemma’s hair, in a way, making sure that Gemma couldn’t move. Not that Brenda seriously suspected that Gemma was going to stop. If anything, it seemed like Gemma was enjoying herself even more than Brenda.

Their tongues were touching and Brenda was beyond thinking. She could taste Gemma on her tongue, and it was light and perfect. Brenda found that she liked Gemma’s hand on her back, pressing her closer as her own hand did the same. And they still weren’t close enough. Brenda was in the process of trying to scoot closer without breaking them apart when she was tugged forward.

Immediately, she lost her balance and fell on top of Gemma. Brenda couldn’t breathe, or move, and then when she could, she didn’t because she was afraid that she’d hurt Gemma when they fell. But almost right away, Gemma was trying to hold back a laugh. Brenda figured that she couldn’t be too hurt. The way Gemma’s body was shaking made Brenda start to giggle too.

It was really cold outside and for a moment Gemma considered to suggest they go back into the tent where it was warm and they would be a lot more comfortable. But then she remembered that Willow was in there and the last thing she wanted was Willow waking up and seeing her kiss Brenda.

It was a strange thought really, she really, really didn’t want Willow to see or even know that she kissed Brenda. She didn’t feel guilty for doing it, not on the slightest. And why would she? There was nothing going on between Willow and her, or was there? But she didn’t want Willow to know because she didn’t want Brenda to get any heat for it. No, Willow couldn’t know.

But that didn’t change her resolve to take things with Brenda one step further, because now that she had had this first taste she was eager for more.

She smiled back at her blonde friend, excited for what was about to happen. Brenda found that this was a perfect distraction from her nightmares and the dark thoughts that normally made it harder to sleep. She had a feeling that when they did finally go back to sleep, it would come quickly, whether she and Gemma ended up actually cuddling or not. She found herself hoping that they did cuddle though, just in case.  

Gemma paused a little bit, thinking about something, and Brenda wondered what it was. But whatever it was, it didn’t seem to change her mind, for which Brenda was grateful. She was looking forward to that thing that Gemma wanted to try. It sounded so mysterious to her, and the fact that she had no experience was making everything that much more exciting, that much more special, and that much more enjoyable. She was glad that Gemma had thought of this; Brenda would have to think of some way to repay her somehow.

Their lips were touching again and Brenda couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed something as much as she was enjoying this. Her hand trailed to the small of Gemma’s back, holding her there, although Brenda knew that the other girl wasn’t really going anywhere.

When Brenda eventually ended the kiss Gemma was gasping for air too, but she was smiling brightly shaking her head when the other girl tried to apologize and putting a finger on her lips to stop her from talking.

“Shhh, it’s fine. You did nothing wrong.”

Gemma closed her eyes for a moment, concentrating on the still lingering feeling on her lips and the effect the kiss had on her whole body. Kissing Brenda had satisfied her initial curiosity what kissing would feel like but now other thoughts were already starting to haunt her. When it felt this good to be kissing Brenda, who was just a friend, what would it be like to kiss someone she had real feelings for? Again images of Willow invaded her mind and made her face flush red from the heat that swept through her body.

She opened her eyes again and looked at Brenda curiously. Did the other girl feel similar or was it just her? Was it okay to become this … agitated when you were kissing your best friend?

“How … Did you like it? I mean … I liked it. Very much actually.”

When Gemma shushed her, Brenda smiled. The other girl was breathing heavily, too. And that was a good thing, right? Brenda thought so. Gemma's face seemed even more flushed than hers, and Brenda wondered what she was thinking about. It wasn't like the Gryffindor would be embarrassed about anything that had happened. It must have just been the kiss, then, she supposed. 

Oh Merlin, Brenda had not expected she'd like it, especially not that much. She was still breathing heavily, but already she wanted more, wanted to kiss Gemma again. And... and her body was tingly. She hadn't known what Gemma meant before, about wanting someone to... touch her. But now she did. 

Gemma hated the fact that Brenda thought so lowly of herself. So she wasn’t the most skilled at healing or fighting, but for Gemma that doesn’t really mean anything. “Brenda, not everyone can be a fighter or a healer. You are kind and gentle and like the best friend someone could wish for. You have such a huge heart and you always care for others and try to help even if you don’t know if you can. You are the best at being my friend and I love you so much for that, you have no idea. Don’t you ever change, you are perfect just the way you are.”

The honest worry in Brenda’s voice when she asked her to be careful when dealing with Willow was just another proof for that and Gemma thought it was so very much typical for the other girl that she wouldn’t say one bad word about her – whatever they were – feelings for Willow but would rather worry for her safety.

“She won’t hurt me, not really. So don’t worry sweetie, but I promise I will try to be careful. It’s just … not that easy you know? When we’re at it my mouth kind of runs away from me sometimes.” She grinned somewhat sheepishly. Being reasonable and cautious wasn’t really her strong side; she got herself into trouble a lot with this trait.

But sometimes it was a good thing, like now. If she had thought this through more thoroughly she would probably have come up with several reasons why kissing Brenda was a bad idea. Like the whole ‘after’; would it possibly damage their friendship? And what about Willow? What if she found out and hurt Brenda?

But she hadn’t thought about any of that and had instead just done it; and now she was really happy that she had. She felt Brenda smile and the tiny ‘oh’ that escaped her; and she understood perfectly what she meant. It was nothing like she had expected it but way better. Brenda’s lips felt warm and so very soft under her own and after that first tentative touch that made her lips tingle she became a little bolder. She smiled into the kiss too and started to move her own lips against Brenda’s.

 Her smile became a little smaller. When she’d said that, she’d just been trying to make Gemma feel better. It wasn’t a dig on herself. But, still, she may be nice, but that didn’t make her useful. So far all she’d been able to help with had been simple chores around the camp: gathering wood and the like. She hadn’t been given a long term assignment or been sent on any missions like the other people. There were third years more useful than she was. Brenda just didn’t know what she could do to really help, what good would baking be, here? No one had time for cakes, or special breads, or things like that, nor did they have the resources to make them.

Brenda nodded, glad that she’d at least put the idea in Gemma’s head. She figured it probably wouldn’t help much, but at least this way she knew that she’d tried. Brenda would be there for Gemma whatever happened. A smirk twitched at Brenda’s lips. Some of the things that Gemma said while she and Willow were fighting could be very funny. “Yeah, I noticed.” Gemma wasn’t like her, thinking everything through before acting, or speaking. She was more the type to rush into things. It was very Gryffindor, if nothing else. But Gemma seemed to make it work for her, so Brenda didn’t think that it was a bad thing. Just different.

Gemma’s lips smiled against hers, so she assumed that she hadn’t done anything wrong yet. It surprised her when Gemma started moving her lips, but it also felt natural. She did her best to follow Gemma’s lead, since she seemed to have a better instinctual grasp of this. Gemma’s hands were still touching her, one on her cheek and the other in her hair, but she moved one of her hands to Gemma’s hair, gently running her fingers through it.

She smiled again, a wicked gleam in her eyes. “I guess I will just have to try a bit harder and see what happens, huh?” Again her thoughts started to run wild with all the possibilities; with all the things Willow might want to do with her, like the other night when they run into each other in the tent. And again she felt her body heat up just at the thought of Willow close to her, kissing her, doing … other things. She was terribly nervous that Willow would one day really try to kiss her and she wouldn’t know what to do and that only strengthened her resolve to do something about it. Now.

A small smile came onto Brenda’s face. She didn’t mind the fights between her and Willow; it was easy enough to be somewhere else, anywhere else, when they happened. And they usually kept Willow’s attention off of her, which is how she liked it. “Just… be careful, okay? I know she hasn’t pulled her wand on you yet, but what if she does?” Brenda worried about Gemma, because she knew there was nothing she could do to help her.

Brenda’s heart was pounding, but not in the same way it did when she had panic attacks. Despite how chilly it was, Brenda’s face felt warm, but not sweaty. Kind of like it was… glowing. She didn’t know a better way to think about it. When Gemma put her hands on Brenda’s face, she didn’t know what to do with her own hands. It seemed like it would be strange to put her hands on Gemma’s face, but she couldn’t just leave them in her lap. She ended up putting them tentatively on Gemma’s hips, touching her so gently she wouldn’t be surprised if Gemma couldn’t feel them at all. She smiled a little, though, because Gemma’s hands on her face felt nicer than she had expected.

“Willow has seen me at my worst Brenda, not even you have seen me like that. One morning I couldn’t move my legs and my wand wasn’t there. She saw me crawl across the floor to get it, and she still … no she doesn’t treat me like everyone else, but she never even acknowledged it.”

She spared Brenda the details of that morning; there was no need to make her more afraid of Willow.

“It’s actually like she doesn’t care. It’s even different from you. You know and you have faith in me that I can do anything despite it, that it doesn’t change who I am and what I can do. But you would still consider it in any decision. But Willow … she treats me differently but not because of my injury. I think … I think that’s what I … like about her, that she doesn’t give a shit, you know?”

When Brenda blushed and started to stutter she almost regretted her proposition. Only she didn’t. Who would be better for this than Brenda? They were both standing on the same step and so neither of them needed to feel foolish if they didn’t know what exactly to do. They could just figure it out together and maybe gain some self-confidence for future encounters with others.

“Yes silly, you,” she smiled at her friend, her eyes flickering to her lips repeatedly now that she had agreed to her idea. “I totally want to. I mean it’s perfect really. You’re my best friend and I trust you. We both have no clue really so neither of us needs to be embarrassed if this doesn’t work at once.”

“I think… maybe she treats you differently because you make her nervous. She can’t know that many fifth years, can she? And what if she compares them all to m-me? Maybe she’s impressed by you, cause you don’t back down from her fights, and I bet she doesn’t know that your offensive magic isn’t the best.” She wondered if she treated Gemma differently because she knew her secret. She didn’t even think about it most of the time… but maybe she did. Brenda shook her head; that was somewhat irrelevant at the moment. Gemma didn’t seem upset with her, in any case, which was always good. More than anything, she wouldn’t want Gemma to be mad at her. “I guess maybe she’s the type of person that doesn’t give concessions or something like that.” Brenda shrugged. She couldn’t claim to understand Willow. Hardly. She was just trying to help Gemma, making guesses based on what she’d seen Willow say and do.

Brenda noticed right away that her palms were sweaty. Oh Merlin, what if Gemma notices. What if I mess up? Gemma had to know more than she did about this. What was Brenda supposed to do? She barely knew the basics of… of sex. She didn’t know anything about kissing, or what was supposed to come before. Why had she agreed to this? No, no, she wanted to do this. Brenda wanted to at least try. And at least if she messed up and was really bad, Gemma might not get angry and upset at her, and probably wouldn’t laugh at her. Brenda had told Gemma about her anxiety attacks, and she hadn’t laughed; she’d even helped Brenda get through one just a few minutes ago. There was no one else she would want to do this with.

She grinned a little when Brenda blushed at the compliment, the other girl probably had no idea how pretty she was and didn’t need to shy away from any comparison with Cecily or Willow.

“You are, really. And Willow is too and I don’t understand why she looks at me like that. She has seen my scars, she can’t possibly think … she can’t think I’m pretty. So why … what does she want from me? I’m a cripple disfigured by scars and Willow knows all that.”

Gemma sighed deeply and shook her head as if to clear the thoughts away from it; she wouldn’t be able to make sense of it. And how would Brenda know what Willow thought?

“Well maybe you would be right about that if I would have had any interest in kissing before, but I didn’t. This is the first time I’m actually thinking about any of this like it could really happen and like I want it to.”

She looked at Brenda thoughtfully and tilted her head to the side. Brenda was her best friend and she trusted her like nobody else. And she knew it was the same for Brenda. So maybe …

“Gemma, no! You’re not a cripple. You’re more graceful than I ever was and… and… Willow shouldn’t make you feel that way. But I don’t know what she wants, Gemma.” Brenda desperately wanted to be able to give Gemma some sort of support, but the best she could manage was to put a comforting hand on Gemma’s shoulder, squeezing lightly like her dad always did.

She nodded. Gemma put her thoughts into words much better than Brenda ever found herself capable of. Brenda was almost a little bit jealous, except that she wouldn’t begrudge her friend this. Still, Brenda agreed with what Gemma said, about just beginning to think about other people like that. When Gemma started hesitating, backtracking on her words, Brenda was a little bit confused at first. But the moment she understood she flushed a deep red, again.

“I’m sorry Brenda. I shouldn’t have asked you about this … her. I just … there’s no one else I could talk to about this. And like I said, I don’t even like her… I think. UGH!”

She put her hand over Brenda’s, squeezed it lightly and smiled. “Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re the only one I feel comfortable talking to about this. Like … everyone is so much further in their development and I still feel like this little kid that was still playing with dolls yesterday and is now supposed to figure this all out in a matter of minutes. Like I know that Willow is really pretty or Cecily or you, but I never really thought about that, you know?”

She laughed lightly at Brenda’s obvious surprise. “No, say it. You thought what? And what about you? Have you … kissed anyone?”

"No! Don't be sorry, please. I want you to talk to me, really. I shouldn't have made a face. I don't care who you like... or think you like... or whatever. Honestly." Now that she thought about it, Brenda was more afraid of offending Gemma than she was upset about the idea of Gemma having feelings towards Willow. 

She nodded along with what Gemma said, about being thrown into this adult world but not being ready for it. Brenda had the same feelings; she just hadn’t been able to put them into words until Gemma said that. When Gemma called her ‘pretty’ even compared to people like Willow and Cecily, she blushed. No one had called her pretty, except her parents, who didn’t count, of course. It took her a few seconds to turn her attention back to Gemma, at which point she found she just wasn’t sure what to say. Of course she understood what Gemma was saying; it seemed like all she could notice anymore were other people, but she didn’t really know what to do about those feelings.