in love, may you find the next

note to self: it really does get better. :)

for years, i thought it would be next to impossible to live the life i currently have right now. it only took a decade of my life but here i am.

i graduated from the never-ending onslaught of pressure to get my degree, this bish is a degree holder now!! though we didn't get the latin honors we so desperately craved for-- the fact that your academic performance bagged that but some technicalities because you transferred from a few universities actually hindered that made swallowing the hard pill a little smoother.

you and your siblings are getting along quite well. no, they are no longer scared of you but actually teases you on a daily basis to show how much they know you and actually care about you. you no longer hide in your messy room to cry your heart out, all alone.

you now have a best friend who loves you despite how fucked up in the head you are. no, it's not franz. they look alike though. their name is max and they like keeping tabs on you, no matter how badly you are sucked in your own world. they actually good-naturedly threaten you and jest about keeping them on the loop or else you'd ache in places you shouldn't and you actually believe they care. their words match their action and you live far apart but that had never been a challenge. being in their presence actually calms you and they are just as excited to spend time with you as you are with them.

you no longer wish for it all to end, you no longer numb yourself to sleep just to wake up the next day and perform like a robot-- you sleep like a big baby and actually have a lot of energy for lambingan and oh! the organization you love is resurfacing and recruiting again so that's what's keeping you occupied. you now have babies who are much clingier than you. they love you and kidnaps you to spend time with them, talking about the most random things you can ever think of.

you are still currently working at the family business, no surprise there!! but!!! you had been traveling back and forth, to the place your heart calls home. it had been magical. there's this small little family in a very small town from a different island where you reside, who welcomes you with so much warmth it melts all those messy broken nights and self-loathing you used to endure. yes! you are very much happy and contented with the affection and devotion they shower you. in a day or two, you'd be celebrating yet another month of love and commitment with this wonderful person who is free-spirited and is very raw and in love with you. the last few days, you survived from the ambush of trauma response because you had been extremely triggered but you'd be oh so proud that despite all that, you remained steadfast. yes, you are doing great!

I mean, I say this a lot. But this is, by far, the lowest i’ve felt. Thirty and barely surviving, no prospects, no motivation, no nothing. I want to cry, i want to scream, i want to feel. Almost at the precipice of the academic timeline and i feel nothing. Almost thirty one and I still want to cease to exist. I thought i would have, at least, gotten a little bit better at handling adulting or just life in general but no.

Almost thirty one and still as lost as the day I wanted to kill myself.