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I haven’t blogged here in for-ever…but here we go.

Baby girl turned ONE a week ago.

We are moving to MARYLAND (Baltimore area) in roughly 2 weeks. I’m not excited about this move at all. But whatever. Life.

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This is the reason why I fight. This is the reason why I talk back to the thoughts in my head that tell me that I need to keep losing all the weight, that I need to restrict my eating. I don't want to leave my newborn daughter for months to go to treatment. I don't want my daughter to have to watch her mom slowly kill herself. I don't want her to see me and think that this is somehow normal or right. I don't want her to grow up and have to fight the same fight, battle the same hell. As tempting as these thoughts are, I know that they are lies. I know my life is not better when I'm engaged in my disorder. Even though I can't find a reason to fight for myself, I will continue to fight another day...for my daughter.

#ed recovery

michellekpoems

One of the biggest problems about recovery is the inconsistency of it. Some days, you are a superhero. You eat all of your meals, and still find beauty in the fullness of your stomach. However, the not-so-wonderful days are the deterrent. You wake up, and cannot find a thing appealing about yourself. When beauty is no longer the goal–you just want to not hate yourself. Then, you find yourself wishing you knew you were skinny when you were skinny. You hate that wish. It is the creepy uncle that no one likes who sits in the corner and stares at everyone at Thanksgiving. But you cannot help but think it. You were not skinny, you were dying. You were trying to be invisible; you were trying to shrink away from life. It got so severe that you just stopped functioning, didn’t you? You may not have known you were skinny, but you knew you were dying.

Michelle K., Bad Days In Recovery. (via michellekpoems)

wordsnquotes

Love says: I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying.

Matt Chandler (via dear-hannah)

SC decided to grace us with her presence in a dramatic fashion 4 weeks early. Within a period of a week, I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension, gained like 20 lbs water retention, diagnosed with preeclampsia, hospitalized, induced for three days, had labor stall due to anxiety, failed epidural, went from 4 cm to 10 cm in 40 minutes, delivered a beautiful 5 lb 11 oz baby girl, and we are 99.9% sure I hemorrhaged after birth. Pregnancy and childbirth are not my thing. I never want to do this again, even though it was a beautiful miracle. We are so adopting next time. So...I have a kid now. I'm a mom. This is so weird.

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Making chocolate chip banana muffins. Yum.

#baking adventures #does this count as nesting?

proud2bmeus

Early intervention both shortens the duration of the illness and decreases its severity. I share my own story so that people know that eating disorders, if left untreated, do not go away. In fact, they often worsen.

Joanna Kay,

Early Intervention Could Have Rewritten My Eating Disorder Story

(via

proud2bmeus

)

#31weeks #babyp

michellekpoems

How scary it is to learn how to trust yourself all over again. To stand at the cliff, look over the edge, and really see all of the damage you have done to yourself. You are believing in your ability to step back and move along. You are believing in your ability to love yourself again.

Michelle K., How do You Recover? pt. 3 (via michellekpoems)

Relate so much.

(via discoveringmyselfagain)

deeplifequotes

Make yourself a priority. At the end of the day, you’re your longest commitment.

(via xxbimmer)

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reachforrecovery

Reality

I didn’t recover for boobs or a butt.

I didn’t recover for cupcakes either.

Truth is, I was forced into recovery many times either by health consequences or the intense desire to change my mental state due to inner turmoil. And even these things could only sustain me for so long.

I needed a support system. I needed God. I needed not only to eat but also to feel my emotions and deal with my pain.

My journey is long. It is raw. It is real.

Don’t feel bad when your recovery isn’t easy. Don’t feel guilty when you are still struggling mentally even after years of hard work.

This is tough stuff and you are incredibly strong for fighting it. In reality, ED’s do not just disappear after a couple of years, no matter what the internet tries to tell you.

j112233445566

THIS holy shit.

Operation Convince My Providers That I Can Get My Shit Together And Avoid Treatment

Starting...now. Putting together my own meal plan. Being accountable to my husband. Finding a workbook. Picking up reading again. Snuggling with puppies. ...and I guess I'll call the new therapist lady that the base wants me to go to. I did this before and I can do it again.

#ed recovery

justjennanicole-deactivated2016

Does anyone else feel recovery come in waves? Like one week you’ll be so into it and challenging yourself and the next you’re relapsing and everyone sucks? Easy weeks make me feel like I made up my ED entirely and then hard weeks are like hell

justjennanicole-deactivated2016

Thank god y'all feel this too I literally think I’m the only one that experiences this stuff. #EndTheEDStigma2k16

amandagenine-deactivated2019062

i go from “I’m doing so well, I can really be healthy” to “dear lord this is too hard, I"m doomed” real quick

To be honest, I'm low on motivation right now. My therapist dumped me because she's not equipped to deal with my eating issues- especially on top of pregnancy. She wants me in inpatient, but that's totally not necessary right now- that would be overkill. My dietitian isn't sure she can continue to see me, because she thinks I need a HLOC...because of the whole pregnancy thing. Tricare will only pay for the program at the local psych hospital, which I refuse to do. I'll consider iop, but we can't afford anything more than that. I'm too damn full on this meal plan. It's too much. I don't even need to restore weight, yet this is the biggest plan I've ever been on. I'm so full- and I'm only eating like 50-60% of the exchanges. This is bullshit. I keep fighting with my husband over it. I just want to purge, but he will physically restrain me so that I can't and won't leave me alone. I can't wait until he goes back to class on Monday and I have hours to myself to do what I want. I feel terrible, but the baby is like the last concern of mine at this point because she's more active than ever and I feel like she will be fine (aside from having a screwed up mom). I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I just want to sleep all day and pretend that none of this exists.

#not recovery

Adulting is hard.

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Snack Ideas....

that are a carbohydrate, a protein, and a fat exchange.

Especially that tricky protein one.

Please save me from 3 Luna Bars a day.

Ready. Set. Go!

#ed recovery #trying to try #meal plan

times like this i want to run away from life.

run away, run far far away from the responsibilities.

i don’t want to follow this new meal plan.

i don’t want to gain weigh.

i just want to destruct.

i just want this baby out so that i can deal with things the way that i deal with them.

#not recovery

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