babygirl

🌸Cutest little bunny🌸

He picks my panties every night for the next day. Since we don’t live together, I provide him three options and he picks the one he wants. We do this every night. It’s become a ritual. A tradition.. A structure. Something I can count on and depend upon. And since we’ve gotten back together it makes me feel cared for. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel pleasing to him when I get up in the morning and put on the underwear he has chosen for me to start my day. It makes me feel like he’s there with me all day long. Even when he can’t be around - which is a lot because he often is busy and takes hours to respond to texts or just classifies them as not needing a response altogether.

But today, instead of picking, he told me: “You choose.” And it sent me into a tailspin.

It’s not that I’m not capable of choosing for myself. I’ve chosen my own underwear my entire life. I know how to choose underwear. I can do it. It’s not about my abilities.

It’s about I handed him control of this aspect of my life and he accepted and in so doing I’m telling him I trust him to follow-through and uphold his end of the bargain and make that decision for me every day. 

The rules give me structure and that structure gives me safety and security and steadiness. And I need that safety and security and steadiness in my life. And I need it from him. I need it in our relationship and our dynamic.

And he took that away from me tonight.

I don’t want a break from the rules. Unless life circumstances absolutely necessitate that something has to be suspended I don’t want it. And even then I probably won’t want it - but will recognize the need for it.

I need structure. I need accountability. I need it from him.

And what’s worse is that we barely have rules. Our rules are very few and very few of them are an every day thing. I need more structure than what I have. I need more than what I’m getting.

And I”m working on putting together a piece for him that does a far better job of articulating that. I can’t expect him to work with me to craft a relationship that provides what we both want if I’m unable to communicate to him what it is that I actually want.

But what I want right now in this immediate moment is not to have what little structure he has given me to be taken away on a whim, “to mix it up”.

That doesn’t work for me.

Especially because being back together is new for us. This is new for us. And I”m not entirely sure I trust him again yet. I want to. God knows I want to. And I’m working on it every day. But when he does things like that it’s like he’s knocking my feet out from under me.

And I don’t know how to explain to him that I need the structure from him. That I need him to work with me to build a set of rules and structures and protocols and rituals that we can participate in together where he leads and I follow and he makes the decisions that he agreed to make. 

It makes me feel abandoned otherwise. It makes me feel like I’m being punished. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

I need his leadership. I need his decisions. That’s what makes me happy. That’s what makes me feel safe. That consistency is what makes me feel like I can trust him.

And he took that away from me tonight. And I don’t know how to explain to him in a way that will make him understand.

Cheeky lil monkey 🐵

Delete anyone's nudes that doesn't fuck with you anymore.

Its creepy as hell to keep nude/lewd photos of someone who has CUT OFF that kind of connection to you.

Delete them.