Now Entering Pawnee

be damned if i’m using my high school account i stg

my anxiety has been worse lately, and i wanted to air some of my fears along with responses to myself so i can try to work through this.

fear: Can’t stop thinking about falling off the effiel tower after being on it. Know fear is irrational but thought doesn’t leave my mind.

response to myself: obviously you’re not on the tower now, and everyone you know including you got on and off safely and without harm. it’s silly to keep thinking about it. yes heights are scary. the scarier thought is constantly worrying about something you’ll never be near again happening.

fear: Can’t get mental image of plane crashing while on it, or floor of plane falling out.

RTM: people take hundreds of plans every day/month/year. The chances of such a thing happening are astronomically low, and there are many metrics in place to prevent such issues. Both uncle and father have ridden tons of planes with nothing happening. you yourself have ridden several with one small turbulence issue happening once that was immediately rectified.

fear: worry about getting hurt/killed by a stranger or a psycho out in the streets.

RTM: again, odds of such an event happening are low. obviously this one varies but you shouldn’t be afraid of this every time you step outside.

fear: sometimes images of harm coming to close family and friends, possibly myself flash across my mind and upset me greatly

RTM: none of that has happened, there’s no reason to dwell on these images.

fear: i will snap one day and do something insane.

RTM: again worrying about an insignificant event happening. as long as i take of myself physically and mentally i will be okay. it’s foolish to think one day i’ll suddenly wake up and go crazy. you have never had any sort of precursor to a major psychiatrist disease other than anxiety and possibly some mild OCD.

fear: i will get hit by a car while walking/driving.

me: for what

anxiety: its time

me: ?????????

anxiety: :)

At the beginning of this summer i was at the lowest point i've ever been at.

Having just caused a major rift between me and a close friend I felt alone and worthless. Being around people became difficult, it was like I wasn't there anymore. I heard people talking but they always sounded far away, their lighter and happiness perplexed me, how could they be this happy when I was this sad?

I still remember the night I called the suicide hotline, unable to handle myself much more. Crying to them about my problems and worried that my life would never repair itself. Then I went and cried at Max's. I try to hold in tears when I can, I've always been weird with showing emotion, but I couldn't anymore. I realized that I still needed my friends in my life and that if I didn't accept help now, it could be too late.

I left school and came home to two weeks of free time before work started. All I did was smoke and hang out with Jesse. It was a good time but I still felt isolated from everyone else, I still felt trapped as me. I did a lot of thinking of how I've presented myself to others my whole life and how I've managed to become who I am. I felt a lot of pain and guilt as I remembered myself as I perceived it, an annoying, nerdy, loud, awkward, mess. I spent a lot of time depressed over who I was, still kind of do.

Fast forward to now. 4 months of work, weeks of hanging out with Jesse and Dylan, repaired and emboldened friendship with Harsha, lots of weed ingested. I feel older now than I ever have before, I feel more like I'm on my way to becoming a real person now. I still have a lot of missteps left but I'm doing better at handling them.

Dont ever put off trying to help yourself. I still think about all the heartache that could've been avoided if I had listened to myself soon.

As fall semester approaches I feel scared. Scared that my year will feel as useless and lonely as last year. Scared that this won't change, that I'll likely just cry by myself in the dark more. I hope that's not the case. I want it to not be the case. And for that to happen I know I have to try, which is the scariest part to me, trying and failing. What if I'm not good enough for anyone or anything? This question repeats itself through my mind more than any other.