I just came up with the most INCREDIBLY DELIGHTFUL headcanon about Murderbot's security briefings. Consider the following:
1) You know those really charismatic professors you sometimes get in college? The ones who are so sassy and engaging that it would be more work to tune them out than it is to learn. (E.g. I had a Latin professor who had us translate verb phrases wherein we killed squirrels in increasingly gruesome ways. Apparently squirrels kept digging up the professor's garden. Boy did we learn Latin.)
2) Murderbot is very socially anxious, but it gets less so in security situations, and that makes it wittier. (E.g. "Why does it look like a person?" "I ask myself that sometimes.") It's also a lot less anxious in familiar situations, like briefings it has given repeatedly.
3) Murderbot is excruciatingly aware of how tough it is for humans to internalize vital security protocols. MB is its most delightfully sarcastic self when venting about bad human security decisions.
4) ART is a teaching vessel, and every so often a new bunch of teenagers are added to its crew. Each new group will require security briefings from ART's onboard security consultant.
Conclusion: Murderbot, to its own mounting horror, is going to become the cool professor of safety lectures.
MB: "You've landed the supply transport on-planet, but there's a delay with the other transport. You're alone with 72 hours before the rest of your survey group catches up. What do you do?" student 1: "I guess I start setting up the hab?" MB: "How do you retrieve the hab components from the cargo compartment?" student 1: "I unlock the transport, make sure I have my com interface, and then I go back to open the hatch from the outside." MB: "You have left the transport without double-checking planetary air quality. Geological activity has vented poison gas since the prior readings were taken. You suffocate and die. Who wants to go next?" student 2: "Me! Okay, I double check the environment: Air quality, temp, radiation, and… oh! Ground stability! I put on an envirosuit anyway, because the readings could be wrong. I also check for indications of hostile fauna. Then I start setting up the hab." MB: "Do you finish setting it up?" student 2: "Um… yes?" MB: "The process takes you several hours, and you didn't stop to update your scan for hostile fauna. You get eaten and die." student 3: "I stay in the transport!" MB: "You stay in the transport for the full 72 hours?" student 3: "Yes." MB: "How do you stay entertained?" student 3: "I dunno. I just wait." MB: "Did you bring any media?" student 3: "Um…" MB: "You failed to prepare media in case of a solitary confinement scenario. You're human, so going 48 hours without entertainment or interaction causes brain damage. (That's not a joke. Look it up, kids.) Now your impulse control is impaired." MB: "…MORE impaired. And backup is still 24 hours out. Desperate for novelty, you leave the transport, get eaten, and die." student 4: "I pass the time by writing fanfiction." MB: "You live."
Eventually Murderbot has to add a section to its standard introductory briefing entitled, "Introverts With Guns In Their Arms: Why you should never initiate social interactions with SecUnit 1.0 unless you are reporting a security threat."
(Please feel free to expand on this anywhere & any way, including stealing all or part of the dialogue above for a larger fic. Only condition is you have to give me a link so I can read it.)
