Im a little fucked up 👌

This phrase is ingrained into my brain.

Everytime I feel worthless, unworthy, and unloved.

Im too tired to deal with you crying, she would say that to me whenever I got sad at night. I got sad at night a lot, the tears would come heavy and hard, so hard I could hardly keep my dinner down.

At night, when everything settled and she was finally peaceful, kind and loving. My mind would spin with all the hurtful things she did to me, near me, and at me. The smallest things would set me off, because there was alway big things that followed. I havent been able to break that habit.

So here I lay at 11:36pm next to my fiance who treats me like a king, wondering why I can never ever seem to be good enough. Wondering what can I do so she loves me even more? What is wrong with me? Is it the excess fat that drapes over my body like some sort of bad joke? Is it the way that I laugh? Is it the way that I love?

11:40pm: Why can’t anyone love me to the extent that I love them?