emotionally compromised suicidal teenage girl

God I am so fucking sad. I miss Zorro. I want him back. I want to go back to when he was young and healthy. I want to watch him run around playing again. It’s only been 2 days but I miss him so much. I thought I was prepared, but I’d give anything to go back just to hold him one more time. 13 years wasn’t long enough.

Every time I learn more about how people tend to deal with sexual assault, the more I understand my past and it’s just sad :/ like bro literally ruined my life the day before my 14th birthday and because I was so scared I didn’t say anything and it continued to ruin my life for YEARS. I’m still dealing with effects almost 10 years later. It still effects my relationships. Still effects my sex life. Still effects my ability to leave my house. I still feel my stomach drop when I see him in public. And he’s not the only one who decided that my “no” meant nothing. Being victimized so young meant that I became a target for abusers the rest of my life. Not to mention the added trauma of being raped at 13 with all the religious guilt that I used to hold

I know a lot of my old friends were not truly my friends and were not good for me, but it just hit me how fucking lonely I’ve been for YEARS