dirty lowdown

thank u. but i would rather die

i found out my sister was pregnant back in feb, a few weeks after my abortion. genuinely forgot/blocked it out since i moved, until my mom started mentioning stuff abt my sister and how she was due soon. well, she had her baby, a healthy baby girl, and i went today to see her.

i held her, i cooed at her, i marveled at her, i cried over her...

im home now, w my bf (who i was w at the time of the abortion) and i feel like i need to scrape every last bit of clean skin off my body and into the trash. i gave him what sharp objects i had in my room for crafting and stuff (bc i threw my actual stash away when we moved) and im incredibly tempted to go swipe one of our kitchen knives.

im abt 280 days clean from sh today. i dont care. i am so sad that my sister got to have her baby and i didnt get to have mine. she gets this tiny, little human to love and care for and i just get a nice pit in my soul.

ik my bf doesnt want kids rn (tbh dk if he ever will) and when i try to talk to him he often doesnt have answers for me. but this is ... this is really hard. i would b due in a few weeks...

i was drunk and revealed to my bf that i would marry him which is mega embarrassing ofc, but my friends have told me to think of it not as a drunk mistake to b ashamed of, but as proof that i am happy and in love w him