TLDR: I recently had the best sex/scene of my life and I’m kind of sad about it….
You ever had a scene that breaks down walls that you didn’t even realize you had built up? Yeah…it’s rough to come down from that. It’s been almost 2 weeks and I’m still processing and I think I’m finally ready to put it into words. It was the most amazing scene I’ve ever had, but it opened some doors that aren’t going to be easy to close again, even if I wanted to. I didn’t realize how much I was limiting myself and holding back from things under the guise of “protecting myself.” I preach to others about not making yourself smaller for other people and never believing that you’re “too much” because of your needs. I didn’t really realize how much I was doing that to myself in kink.
I’ve realized that I was subconsciously trying to comfort myself by telling myself that it’s okay, and better even, that I can’t find a steady Dom because no one will ever be able/willing to fully accommodate my AuDHD needs. And then this Dom comes along and completely destroys that logic. He communicated so openly and effortlessly. He asked the right questions and actually listened to what I was saying, as well as what I wasn’t saying. He made accommodating my needs not only seem completely normal and simple, but he made it sexy too.
I’ve always had trouble being still in a scene. My trouble with recognizing and interpreting social cues makes me second guess what I’m supposed to be doing, where I’m supposed to be positioned, and what I’m supposed to do with my hands. And I’ve been accused of being a “pillow princess” and “not being willing to do any work” too many times to not be anxious about it. He said “no problem, I’ll fully restrain you. I’ll move you into whatever position I want you and you’ll stay there.”
Eye contact is extremely challenging for me, especially during sex. Am I supposed to close my eyes? Is making eye contact supposed to make things more sensual or just more awkward? Does closing my eyes make it seem like I’m detaching from the scene and not paying attention? Will I get distracted with something else going on and unintentionally detach from the scene? He said “no problem, I’ll put a blindfold on you. All of your focus will be on my touch.”
Dirty talk has never been easy for me. I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Simply saying “yes, Sir” doesn’t seem like enough sometimes, but I don’t want to make it awkward. He said “no problem, you’ll be on speech restriction or I’ll gag you.”
While sounds can be helpful, I sometimes get anxious when I can hear things happening and don’t know what it is. Or I’m concerned that I’ll get distracted with street noise or something and not be able to focus. He said “no problem, I’ll put sound blocking headphones on you with simple music.”
While I’ve been transitioning for 13 years now and rarely feel dysphoric in my normal life, sex is definitely one area that I’m more hesitant about my body. I’ve had too many guys react negatively to my body and it makes me anxious every time I have sex with a new person, especially if they’ve never been with a trans guy before. They say they’re cool with it, but will they be when they actually see my body? He was comfortable and confident in how he touched me. And while part of that may be because he’s bisexual and has both a cis male and a cis female partner, he still knew exactly how to handle the complexities of a body that is AFAB but has had changes from long-term T and HRT. When there were…complications…caused by the combination of my infrequent sexual interaction, my desire for rough sex, and years of testosterone changing my body’s reaction to that roughness, I was embarrassed and dysphoric. I thought he’d never want to play with me again. He handled it smoothly, reminding me that it’s a normal thing for a human body and it’s not a setback or a turnoff, just something to be aware of for next time we play.
All this to say, while this was an amazing experience and I’m excited to have another scene with this Dom, it actually makes me kind of sad too. How many experiences have I held myself back from because of this barrier that I’ve subconsciously put up? Why has it taken me this long to realize it could be this good? Was it me that wasn’t communicating well enough? While talking about this with my therapist this week, he pointed out that I’ve taught and preached “Risk Aware Consensual Kink” for many years and I’ve always understood and accepted the *physical* risks of my play, but I’ve completely ignored the mental and emotional risks. I hate when he’s right, and like a good therapist, I wanted to tell him to fuck off for that. But he is right. And while I’m sad that it’s taken this long to come to this realization, I’m also glad that I’m only 25 instead of 35 or 40 when it happened.
So yeah, remember not to make yourself smaller for someone else. And remember to really take a good look at whether you’re following the rules and advice that you’re giving to others.💚
