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Boy B. I hate how awkward I am with you. I have so many regrets with you. I should have been truthful with you from the start, instead of trying to be your friend. I value our friendship, but it's so painfully clear that I like you more than just our friendship. At least, I hope it's clear. I fancy you so much. You were beautiful tonight. You've grown so much since I last saw you in January. God, your hug was what I longed for all night and it didn't disappoint. I wish I didn't pus you away as much as I did tonight. I should have made you my priority. There was just so much going on. I wish I told you how handsome you looked. Your face is breaking out so much, but you still look as beautiful as ever. I wish you were more socially active, but I guess it's for the best. I can't wait until I see you again. I will see you again. I'm not going to disappear from your life. Not without a goodbye. Maybe the next time will be goodbye. But that wouldn't be fair to A & S. Even T, who actually loves me and appreciates me coming to visit. All I can hope for is that you don't forget how much I care about you. And also for you to return my umbrella.

This morning I texted a boy. We will call him boy A. I texted him good luck on his finals, and he said you too. Okay. So flash forward 11 hours later and I see him at Wendy’s. He doesn’t notice me. He never notices me. I see him randomly at least once a month since we live in the dorms on campus, but he never sees me. Every time I see him I say hello, but not tonight. He was with friends and it didn’t seem appropriate. I like him. He’s sweet. He’s geeky. He’s hella tall and hella cute. He plays clarinet, which I also play. We met through tinder. It took three whole months before we met in person. Over a month and a half we spent not talking. I had given up on him around thanksgiving. He messaged me again sometime early January, wanting to pick up where we left off. So I followed through. I invited him out to see Gone Girl. I remember that night well. Not because of me getting the balls to ask him out (which he denied at first, but felt guilty about not being able to), but because someone special to me ended up in the hospital that night and that’s a story that I will probably not share. So flash forward 20 hours (with probably 2 hours of sleep) and its date night with boy A. I swear, when I first saw him I thought “well, he’s definitely out of my league.” Date went okay. I tried to prolong it. Showed him my new bike that I had gotten the previous day (a lot of things happened that night and I’m so fucking angry at some parts of it). Didn’t hug him goodbye. Didn’t even attempt to show him I was romantically interested. And I think that was the start of my problems. And also, he said he had another date the next night and so I definitely thought I wasn’t good enough. So I decided being friends would be fine with me. I even voiced to him I wanted more gay friends. I’m not frustrated with him because he doesn’t like me. I’m frustrated because he doesn’t take the effort to be my friend. Like, he wanted to be my friend but then he just dropped me. I can take a huge fucking hint like that, so I just stopped too. I’ll text him occasionally, but it always ends up just hurting me. I wish I could just forget about him completely instead of just a weeks at a time. I know I shouldn't waste my time, but I’m stuck in my feelings and I can’t get out of them. God, please send me some more true friends to love, specifically LGBT. Amen.