fuck, i'm stuck with you for the rest of my life huh? you're good, in an instant you're back to being vile, i wish you'd disappear in the blink of an eye. just found out you sold all my books years ago, but you swore to my face you didn't do it, that they must have gotten lost somewhere, but no they did not, YOU sold them, YOU knew they were important to me, yet you have no courage to say it to my face. it might have been just books to you, but to me they were something else. imported books i paid so much money in, the kpop albums i dreamed of having and finally fullfilled my wishes. it mattered to me. you just lied to my face.
I haven't told anyone, but as a kid i knew you were cheating on her, i just knew it. it was clear, it was obvious, but i dreaded the thought of you both getting divorced. so i kept your secret, i tried believing your lies.
i do not think anyone truly understands the weight, the burden it is to carry such a secret, but i do. i carried your lies, your double life. you would speak to her right next to me, you would call her and when i, just a kid, would ask who she was, you'd claim she was just a friend. the fuck she wasn't.
i learned years later that you even tried selling my old phone to her. how is that possible? what type of father, of a human being, are you? it's too much, too harsh to continue thinking about this again and again, but deep down in my blood, in my veins, in the whole essence of my humanity, i KNOW that you are the cause behind every little aspect of my personality.
it's clear to me that i am not a normal woman, i am not a normal person, and it's all because of you. it's all your fault.
sometimes you sit on the porch and say you're happy you've finally got your kids' love back, but that love truly doesn't last long. everytime you are agressive, that love fractures, it cracks bit by bit, and one day there won't be enough to even look at your face.
it turns out all the hard work you put into breaking me as daughter has been successful. you succeeded. i'm broken, not in a cringy way, but in a complex, essential way; i cannot hear screams, doors banging, loud noises, i am terribly afraid of failing, of doing something wrong that, in turn, will make you scream at me, judge me, call me names for a common, simple, human mistake.
YOU are allowed to forget, YOU are allowed to get angry, to spend money in alcohol and futilities, YOU are allowed to scream, YOU are allowed to hate. While WE aren't. we're not allowed. that frustrates me, it makes me wish you'd simply vanish from the face of the earth, it makes me wish things were entirely different, it makes me desire a world where you were never there. i believe it would have been easier, simpler, i might have been a different woman, not this scared little girl stuck in an adult shaped shell. perhaps there could have been another way, another path that didn't lead to this. but here i am, stuck with you.
