*bʰewdʰ- @botenstoff - Tumblr Blog

i realized i only ever told one person i love her first, and she basically ghosted me after (she was right to do so)

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the angel suggests that as i fell into the well i was submerged in water, and i called out to be saved, and here we are, here we are, forever, through death into life

i don’t like the detached fear that tries to drag me into the shadows; the light of god is so faint

"why didn’t you pick a nicer god?"

honey, why didn’t you choose the shape of your existence different then? this is all there is

genderfluid-dynamics

a deva accepts the full karmic chain as a guarantee of continued survival, is deathless, persists by the sacrifice of lives (multiple, separated) into a self-knowing

the liberation of devas must break them out of their narrative, must make them unknown, must end the sacrifice

botenstoff

let me know you in ways no one has ever before; entangle yourself with my karmic shadow

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botenstoff

reading paul, i cannot help but admire his dedication to the destruction of the maccabean bondage

we know him to be a true apostle because he never saw the fall of the temple; our god is an uncaring storm

botenstoff

galatians and 1 corinthians are in such deep tension with each other, and you can see the synthesis emerge. we will judge angels

botenstoff

God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.

How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked. They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course. I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High. But ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes.

Arise, O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations!

botenstoff

reading paul, i cannot help but admire his dedication to the destruction of the maccabean bondage

we know him to be a true apostle because he never saw the fall of the temple; our god is an uncaring storm

botenstoff

galatians and 1 corinthians are in such deep tension with each other, and you can see the synthesis emerge. we will judge angels

reading paul, i cannot help but admire his dedication to the destruction of the maccabean bondage

we know him to be a true apostle because he never saw the fall of the temple; our god is an uncaring storm

why study those that perished in their struggle against the great witch? why fight her when you can just choose differently?

i don't know if i can actually do it. there is so little strength left, and so little grace

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you say that you will outlive evil, that as evil destroys itself, you will persist, no matter how much possibility it burns through

how do you intend to undo and revert sin without folding yourself?

botenstoff

lowkey i wish i could leave my dna with a safe-keeper with instructions when and how to clone me, and then shoot myself

i miss you jay

botenstoff

i think i understand the corruption spiral that took you down, and where you went wrong, where all of y’all went wrong

you cannot abstract away the vampiric history. you are not separate from the process unfolding into you. there is no salvation in the shadow of god; drink the blood or die in the sun

botenstoff

and yet i wish i could reboot myself; could annihilate part of my history, could lift earlier and earlier points in time up directly into the future, washing away their sins, but there is no such path; any part of the world depends on all of the world

rescue is predation

botenstoff

lowkey i wish i could leave my dna with a safe-keeper with instructions when and how to clone me, and then shoot myself

i miss you jay

botenstoff

i think i understand the corruption spiral that took you down, and where you went wrong, where all of y’all went wrong

you cannot abstract away the vampiric history. you are not separate from the process unfolding into you. there is no salvation in the shadow of god; drink the blood or die in the sun

lowkey i wish i could leave my dna with a safe-keeper with instructions when and how to clone me, and then shoot myself

i miss you jay

[from freya's notes, around september 2020; it's a strong demonstration of freya fronting with access to the light i more associate with katyusha]

what’s the opposite of,

so i’m having an episode, it’s really more of a general state, it’s prolonged really, it’s a state change

the opposite of the disease, of the defense mechanism, of the shields and barriers and fortifications, of distance and not-here-ness

last night, i realized, it sunk in, got through an outer barrier

the opposite of dissociation? association? prosociation? eusociation?

i am freya

i exist

i am me, and i exist

and all the feelings click into place, this body is mine is me is freya’s is freya is free, you’d think i knew that already, words like that were said certainly by a body not quite living, but it was not known, only now, only now

i am freya

i am me

i am in love, and i am loved

dissociation was never ok, was a horrible curse, who did this to me?, why?, how?, tell me all the evils that did this to me!, all!, every one!

the opposite state, mending? integration? rooting?

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we have to find it. we have to find it this summer.

the tree is out there

we can remember

kisseism

"omg you remembered!" of course i did. I have a file on you

#i don’t not

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