Bork Trash ™

if you’re irish and you complain about britain “erasing culture” but can’t even speak the language/ don’t know shit about ireland before 1910 then just shut your cakehole nobody cares

Them being Irish and not being able to speak the language/not knowing shit about Ireland before 1910 is a direct result of Britain erasing culture, you goddamn Vitamin D-deficient circus clown

that episode of spongebob where he’s bombing at standup so he starts making racist jokes about squirrels

& it literally starts effecting her day to day…….so he starts making fun of sea creatures instead and they think it’s even funnier bc they can make fun of themselves and it’s twice as funny and less socially damaging. Wokebob intersectionalitypants

Hey if vines exist in the MCU does that mean the “how did you take down captain America” “we shot him in ze legz bc his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he’s an idiot” vine also exist and has Steve seen it

not only has steve seen it its his favorite vine and his ringtone

One thing I’ve learned in life, if you act really self-assured and confident you can pretty much get away with anything.

For example, I’ve watched someone walk on to a plane with no passport. Just walked right on.

Once walked out of a dude’s house with a pair of his pants slung over my shoulder. Did all the usual eye-contact, saying-goodbye movements and noises, just… while stealing his pants. He did not notice. 

I told my English teacher that she graded my final paper(I did not turn one in) and that she told me it was well written. She scrambled 3 days trying to find the nonexistent paper, then apologized to me for losing it and gave me a 96%. Confidence is key

my dad’s mate just walked out of a shop with a canoe and didn’t get questioned

Humans are like bees: if they sense you’re an intruder all hell will break loose, but if you get inside the hive they just assume you belong there. Be confident.

Bee confident

This is funny but also true, and a huge tip when traveling. Act like you belong, and you won’t be bothered like other tourists might. Especially on public transportation… do your research ahead of time and look like a disinterested commuter and you’ll blend right in.

Fun Fact about Bees: they use pheromones to communicate and the pheromone to signal ALARM is the same chemical that makes bananas smell like bananas so if you eat a banana and then breathe on a beehive you will regret it and this seemed relevant when i started writing it

Todd Howard is an alum from my college and he comes to give guest talks sometimes, neither of which I knew my freshman year when I dropped my bag on the way to class, joked “I see we left clipping on, Todd Howard” to my friends, and was met with a very exasperated sigh from behind me and Actual Todd Howard says “Is this what we’re doing now?”

📠📠📠

It can’t go the other way?

i also appreciate the logic that planes can’t fly over land.

https://www.instagram.com/p/-RAyxZJ_iz/

when you pull your headphones out of your pocket and out comes your keys, money, tampons and russia

ok i’ve had so many people asking me why i, a boy, would have tampons in my pocket, but not a single person asking me why i, a boy, would have THE ACTUAL NATION OF RUSSIA IN MY POCKET

Everyone knows that Putin made a travel sized Russia

Russian accent: Ah yes I make perfect country to Putin your pocket

i love laying the FUCK down and sleeping

BIG MOOD