BPD Momma

Stupid for believing each “I’m trying” “it’ll get better” or “I’m sorry”

I’m also stupid for believing I was crazy. Or believing I couldn’t do life on my own. You made me feel worthless.

Be happy. (Maybe). Someday maybe I won’t be a shell of myself anymore.

But today, I won’t let you have power over me. Today I can try to control my fear. Today I can learn how to feel safe.

I am not a victim. I am a

Survivor.

I am not crazy. And I am definitely not alone. For now I am safe. But I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I am constantly afraid. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I am numb. They say it’s the PTSD.

I will stop the cycle. Since childhood it’s been bad man after bad man after bad man.

Even if I have to be alone the rest of my life.

I WILL BREAK THE CYCLE.

That is something I will never be again.

Constantly looking over my shoulder. Making sure my doors are locked. Making sure I am safe. Dont go to the store alone. Always have your phone charged.

Yet you are free.

Mentally, I am in torment. Could be the concussion. Could be the PTSD. Could be a number of things. Logically I know I could never go back to you. The rest of me is confused why I still love you.

Is this a trauma bond? Was this all a fake?