sitting quietly in my hawaiian shirt, deranged

im so :) it’s like im alive and here but all i do is rotate through hyperfixations :) like i work and have a job and have family and friends and hobbies but all i think about is my current obsession which rn is this stupid boy at the rec center who plays pickleball and looks like specific actor and i gaslighted myself into thinking there is a mutual attraction after reading too many “nonverbal signs he likes you” listicles on garbage websites :) and hes literally all i think about and he consumes every one of my brain cells like a roomba sucking up cheerios a toddler threw on the floor :) i saw an instagram post that said imagine if you spent all that intense energy on your craft instead of boys and i was like okay :) sure :) too bad i am mental ill and will never find stable long term love bc i am the conductor on a carousel from hell :) so edgy, so sexy :) help me please :)