Book_Bunny

Today I learned something that has me continually disappointed in myself and my inability to do anything correctly. And yes, I understand that I am Autistic and that I have an Anxiety disorder. But those don't change the fact that I'm almost constantly finding myself lacking and very much less than. And I'm aware enough to know that a lot of that is most likely the anxiety, but it's still nearly impossible to ignore it and pull yourself out of a spiral when your own mind is basically screaming at you that everything you do is wrong.

Today at work I had a coworker, with whom I'm friends with outside of work, that the reason one of my residents (I work at an ICF [Intermediate Care Facility] as a DPS [Direct Support Professional] wich is technically part of home healthcare) had such a big issue with me today and why he and another resident have so many issues with me when I'm their staff for the day or I'm the one administrating their meds for the shift, is because I sometimes have an abrasive tone when I'm talking to them. This made me cry.

Now, normally, I very much appreciate it when people tell me when my behavior with them/around them is a problem. Because then I can fix it. And I can't fix it untill someone points it out to me because I don't know that it exists untill then. So under normal circumstances, I greatly appreciate when someone tells me that I'm doing something wrong. And I do appreciate that she told me. But it still hurt to hear because I'm NEVER intending to be abrasive with my residents. That's the last thing I want to be with them. Because, 1) they absolutely do not deserve that kind of treatment or attitude, and 2) the one thing I have always prided myself on was that no matter how badly I did and understanding others and how much I struggled to connect with others, no one could say that I was mean because I've always gone out of my way to try to be nice and often was overly so.

So to find out today, after having a really hard time processing the auditory input from my environment, that the one thing I pride myself on especially with my difficulties in communication, isn't even something I can do right even when I'm trying all the time? Yeah, I'm not handling that well at all. Sure my coworker knows that I'm not being abrasive on purpose, but it still sucks. So I've been spiraling in a negative self imagine for a little over an hour and I don't see a way to drag myself out if it.

See, I had a nice unopened can of Monster in my hand as we were walking back to my car. Well, my Monster apparently thought that is was a kamikaze and jumped from my arms and onto the street in front of me. The side of the can burst open and the Monster sprayed /EVERYWHERE/. 😭

My family has had a pitbull named Aries. She's 13 and still the sweetest pupper in the world. Last night she got sick and we didn't know why. This morning my dad and my brother took her to the vet.

Aries has cancer. Everywhere. And the vet said that there was nothing to be done. Aries is too old for surgery and she wouldn't recover from it.

So today, Aries is gonna go to sleep for the last time and I have to say goodbye to an amazing pupper that's been in my life since I was 11.

So... I am gay. This is fact. I am chaotic af. Also fact. I am a useless lesbian because I am oblivious af. Truest thing I've probably ever written ever.

My personal history with girls that I've liked as in a dating way and not platonicly has taught me two things.

1) NEVER make the first move. Every single time I've made the first move, I have been shot down. Told "I like girls but not girls like you." "You're not my type." "Gross. Even if I was into girls, why would I date you?" And so on. From about the age of 16 all the way to now and I'm 24. Every time I was rejected it would hurt and crush my self esteem even more than the last one. And with my anxiety, it's super hard to recover from these kinds of rejections. Especially when rejection is all that ever happens and you never get past the first date, if you even get to have a first date.

2) NEVER EVER EVER tell a girl you're friends with that you like her and want to go on a date-date with her. It ends in heartbreak and massive anxiety attacks. I have done this five times. Not once has it ended well. I always lose those friends and they usually take another friend or two with them. And I am always left alone and sad because that girl never wants to talk to me again. And I'm horrible about making and keeping friends (hooray for having Asperger's Syndrome on top of an anxiety disorder) so loosing them as a friend hurts 100× more than the rejection alone.

So now I never make them first move and when I end up having a crush or an attraction to someone that I'm friends with I say absolutely nothing about it, because my personal history of the last eight years has taught me that doing either one will be the biggest possible mistake I can make. And it sucks.

There is a girl a work with. She's 19 and my height. I love talking to her and we have similar interests and ship a lot of the same pairings. Not all of the same pairings. I personally ship T'challa/Tony aka IronPanther. She doesn't really ship them at all. But she ships Aang/Zuko aka AaZuko which I don't. But we don't bash on each other's ships when we disagree on them.

I think she's really cute and I really enjoy being around her. I like it when she just cuddles with me on the couch at work while we dick off on our phones or while we watch tv or fill out paperwork for the day (we work at a group home for people with developmental and intellectual disabilities. There's always paperwork to fill out at the end of the day). I know that she's not straight because she's told me that herself and we've spent multiple hours over the course of the like almost three months we've know each other sending one another tiktoks of women we think are hot.

I thought she was really cute the moment I met her. And if we didn't work together and I met her at like a coffee shop or a store or something, I might have pushed myself to make the first move even though that's never once worked out for me. But now she's my friend and I don't want to loose her as my friend because that's all I've ever known from telling my friends that I'm attracted to them. We're writing a very long, multi chapter fanfic that we're going to start posting on ao3 once we're like halfway through it so people don't have to wait super long times between updates. Hell, we're trying to find an apartment together as roommates for crying out loud. There's no freaking way I could bring myself to say anything about liking her at this point.

And besides, today she told me that there's a girl she likes but that this girl frustrates her to the point where she can't tell if she'd rather punch her lights out or shove her against a wall and just kiss her. If it were me, which I 100% doubt that it would ever be, I'd probably enjoy being shoved against a wall and kissed. But I've already proven to annoy the absolute shit out of her more than once so I'm sure that it's not me. And hearing from her that she likes someone was kind of upsetting. But I've already said that I wasn't going to act on the fact that I like her so I have absolutely no reason to be jealous at all. And knowing that is what made me sad.

This is one of the few times that I'm glad my page is so small and super unknown because the chances of her finding this are slim to none. And on the off chance that she did find it, it would probably be years from now and she'd more than likely be in a relationship. So it's not like anything would really come of it. I just don't have that kind of luck.

But if she found it sooner than I could ever imagine, well... Then I guess that the cat's out of the bag and she knows that I like her. Because there's only one girl I work with whose 19, who I'm writing a fanfic with, and who I'm trying to find an apartment with.

I'm related to a bunch of people who are either racist, or transphobic/homophobic.

I guess that I thought some of them were better than that because they accept my uncle and I for being gay. But apparently if they're not homophobic, they're definitely racist. And like I said, I'm not taking this well.

EDIT: THE STORY HAS BEEN FOUND! Big thank you to @quietlyapocalyptic for helping me! I'm very great full that you were able to find it.

The story is called "We're All a Little Broken Inside" by MonPetitTresor on Ao3. Here's the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12977025/chapters/29666733

I'm a 23yo non-heterosexual female from a red State the Northwest. I graduated hs in 2014. I've always questioned who/what I am. I know I'm not straight despite never having dated a woman and having only dated males because I am far more attracted to females than males. Any guys I've ever been attracted to has always be feminine in appearance and my attraction to them disappears as soon as I hear them speak and they have a masculine voice. A girl could touch me and turn me on, but a guy could do the /EXACT/ same thing and kill any and all arousal I was feeling.

I figured out I wasn't straight in middle school (around 7th grade so about 12ish) when I saw an ad from Cover Girl where the model looked like she was at a halfway point between butch and femme. That was my first experience with an "instant crush" and any time I saw that ad I'd freeze up and just think about how pretty she was and how I'd love it if a girl like that wanted to be around me and how amazing it would be if I could take a walk in like a park and get ice cream and maybe go to the pool with a girl who looked like that. I'd watch America's Next Top Model with my mom and just sit there and think about how pretty those girls were and how I wished that girls like them would talk to me in school (still think of my self as incredibly stupid for not clueing in to the fact that I was attracted to women until I was 15yo sophomore and it had to be pointed out to me by one of the nicest (and probably gayest) guys I knew at the time.) So I had several female crushes throughout hs, 3 of which still come to mind 5+ years later. There was this girl my senior year (I was 17 and she was 16 at the time) who is one of the 3 that come to mind. Omfg did I have the biggest crush on her. We were friends and lab partners in Bio. I thought she was the cutest girl ever and I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her. Every time I saw her I wanted to hug her and every time I hugged her I wanted to kiss her but, she was dating another girl so I never said or did anything about how I felt about her. Six months after I met her, I learned she had broken up with her gf and was looking to date someone, so I mustered up the nerve to tell her how I felt. I was devastated to hear that she had learned from dating her ex gf that she wasn't into girls like that. 2 days later she's dating a guy that I hated because he was a perv who was mean to me and never took me seriously when I'd tell him no. She knew I couldn't stand this guy and I was the 1st person she told that she was dating him. Crushed me even more than the rejection did. Especially her bringing him along to every hang out I had with her and other friends in public locations, as if I couldn't be trusted to not continue to pursue her after she said she wasn't interested in me. Eventually I just stopped going to those group hangouts if I knew she was going to be there because she always brought him and I couldn't stand him long before they started dating. And that made her mad. Thankfully I had a few others in the group who reminded her that I disliked him long before they got together and that he picked on me a /lot/, so she let that go.

As a graduation present, my absentee biological father paid for me to visit him in Germany. I went for seven months and I tried to stay friends with her. But while I was gone she and I got into a huge fight and we stopped talking. I get back and run into her at a store. She gave me a hug and I had to fight the urge to kiss her just like I always did, keep in mind she and I hadn't spoken in 5 months and I hadn't seen her in 7+. It took me four years after her turning me down for me to get over her, to not feel the want to hug her when I saw her or the want to kiss her when I hugged her. And I've never once felt like that about a guy ever.

She and I still aren't friends anymore and we don't talk. She's currently engaged to my ex best friend (that's a whole other story on why he and I aren't on speaking terms) and they both say that I'm the single most annoying person they ever met. Sorry that I have high functioning ASD and struggle with/don't pick up on normal social cues. And sorry I have an anxiety disorder that makes me a little panicky in social situations.