Digging for Fire.

The only reason I’m back is the incredibly shitty feeling inside of my soul right now. I wasn’t sure where else to express these feelings; who to even say this too.

My boyfriend I can tell can’t handle hearing me say these thoughts, so I don’t burden him with them. He’s sweet and can tell I’m sad so he says cute things to cheer me up and quickly changes topics to things he knows we can both joke about (synthesizers, idiots at work, classic rock hits of the 1970′s) but I don’t know how to express to him that it goes past a basic sadness. 

I feel like I’m completely worthless. I just feel like a shell of a human being. I’m just kind of drifting, treading water in a kiddie pool even. Getting nowhere and doing an obscene amount of work to go nowhere. I sit in my apartment, Elton John on the record player, incense lit, trying to find my zen zone that I aim for when I feel this way. Reading books, distracting myself with my online classes on voice disorders and songwriting but nothing can distract me from the feeling. The feeling of living an aimless, lifeless existence. Feeling like the best years of my life are already behind me; and I’m not even that dang old! How and why am I feeling like that when I’m only a quarter way into my life.

I want to be doing things. Instead I’m wasting away the days while staring at the overview of the most notoriously sketchy block of downtown. Wondering what motives people and why I’m lacking that same thing that makes them tick. Lacking that internal drive...

I think my boyfriend is the only thing making me feel alive right now. Scratch that, making me feel anything right now aside from the numbness that is depression and anxiety. That’s a lot of pressure to place on a human though. I don’t want to make him my be all end all. That’s not fair or ok to do to him.