Horse Apologist

I’m in a healthy relationship, go to therapy every week. I have an extremely diverse group of close friends that disagree with each other, and discuss it until we’re satisfied and understand each other, all the time. I’ve explained institutionalized racism to more white people than I can count. I’ve effectively broken down capitalism right before finance bros’ eyes. I’m in school to be a therapist. I can do a hard conversation. YET my mother still thinks I need lectures about “how to have hard conversations” because I moved out and no longer take being steamrolled in conversation.

Context: I asked her for her opinion on moving my bedroom desk (5.5x2.5ft) to my house (into a space the size of a twin bed). I was simultaneously discussing how I would to turn my space into an ADHD-friendly one, with storage open and visible and bringing the desk from home. She shot down both ideas. One because she wouldn’t look cluttered, which I explained was the opposite effect (It’s also MY bedroom. In a city two hours away from you.) and the other because I would “just destroy the furniture” like I haven’t been successfully dismantling and upcycling everything I can get my hands on since I was 11.

She accused me of not liking what she was saying “because it was her saying it.” No, I DISAGREED OUT LOUD with what you were saying because it was inconsistent with my research and lived reality. I was called condescending, superior, and patronizing after disagreeing as politely as possible.

I told her politely that I didn’t come to her for permission, I came for a casual discussion to get her input. I emphasized that it was my personal space we were talking about, and that I was under the impression the desk belonged to me. She then reminded me that everything in the house belongs to her and she decides what happens to it, which is one of her classic power-trip moves that contributed heavily to my inability to feel safe and at home anywhere to this day.

Like no Shelly you’re not a victim because I offered a solution to the counterpoint you brought up. I was replying to what you said with valid answers because that’s what you do when sharing ideas. The flat look on my face you call “condescending” is a skill I developed because your household is a nightmare and anybody that shows emotion “loses.” If you can’t handle your opinion being rejected, then don’t give it.

We’ve done the family therapy, successfully. We’ve done the improvement from the dysfunction of the past. You know better, and know exactly what you needs to do to get better. We’ve done it all. You’ve taken workshops at every psych hospital your kids have ever been in, and been offered options beyond what should ever be necessary. You have every opportunity, including time and money, to recover and grow. You have no excuses for not seeking out ways to be a better parent and move forward with us.

When you get angry at me because I’m no longer a defenseless child, you’re admitting you didn’t raise me to be the adult that I am. At least give me credit for doing it myself. I am not your emotional punching bag anymore.

Feel like you need to be always attentive, responsive, nurturing, supportive and comforting to other people, otherwise your existence has no point and you’re worthless

Don’t feel important enough for other people to care about, feel guilty and ashamed for having problems and struggling

Feel empty inside and lowkey don’t want to live but it makes you feel ungrateful and selfish to ever mention it

Try to make people as good as possible about themselves, always find good things to say about them, regardless of how they’re acting

Feel terror at the thought of saying no, ignoring someone when you’re busy, or acting unenthusiastic about giving someone attention

Can’t feel like you’re a person, feel like everyone around you is people but you are only pretending, and you’re scared of being caught

Don’t rely on anyone and feel like you have to sort out all of your problems on your own

Feel like you owe people to be honest and vulnerable and to give them every possible way to criticize you and judge you, or else you’re hiding something and being a hypocrite

Or alternatively, terrified of telling anyone anything and feeling as if anyone knew the real you, they would despise you

Have to act tough but you often feel broken and overwhelmed inside, and you’re ashamed of secretly being weak and breakable

Feel like you have to constantly please, entertain, be helpful, useful, convenient, in a positive mood and ready to admire others, or it’s reasonable for people to hate you

Feel like if you accidentally displease or offend somebody, it’s reasonable for them to retaliate 100 times worse and hurt you, and it’s your fault and they’re right to punish you

Don’t feel like you’re worth anything more than to be used by others

Hey, it’s Hershey. We already got our first exciting fan letter! Let’s see what it says

It’s from Forrest. Hi, Forrest! You suggested that we should delete our account on July 17th, 2021. 

( https://graupig.tumblr.com/post/651273689778864129/grimsauce-americanbeautiies-theheroheart-just for context)