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Cristina found her spot beside him and made quick work of pouring them each a hefty amount and then some. She took a long sip from her own glass, relishing the burn and the way it made everything else feel less sharp. Her hands found the lighter in the coffee table’s trinket dish and she flicked it up to light Joe’s cigarette for him.

She listened patiently, less worried about Rafael in that moment and whether or not he was dead it alive, and more worried about Laney. “Where is she now? Is she okay?” She asked quickly, turning to face her fiancé. Cristina couldn’t cope if something happened to her, especially as a result of this ridiculous rivalry that refused to die.

what preparation could have been made for his reaction? she’d been thinking about it since the orders were given and the countless scenarios mulled over in a frazzled mind dim in comparison to the one that she’s watching unfold. in a quick motion, she rushing to help him but she stops at his extended hand. she feels more helpless than she ever has and tears that are a rarity begin to sting at squinted hues as she watches him gasp for air. it’s almost too late for her to remember where she’d put the spare that she’d kept around for moments like this when his trusty one was nowhere to be found. the gap between herself and her dresser is bridged, only to be created  again once the object is wrapped tightly in a clenched fist. his breathing is better, but she still reaches calmly for his hand and places it in his palm. the question he fought so hard to get out finally fills the air and its heavy. “i- i wasn’t. i didn’t want this to happen. seeing you cry-” still clenched fist is brought up to cover the lips that let out a hitched breath. she can’t battle the streams making their way down her cheeks now and the muffled, jagged breaths that cause an ache in her lungs. “i can’t say no, binny. we both know what happens when you tell them no.” voice breaks from its usual even tone to a much meeker one. if it were anyone else, she could have held it together, but this is the love of her life. “ at least if i go i have a shot in hell at coming back home to you. and that’s the goal. everything i do is for us, even if it’s dangerous.”

Wyatt loved his wife. Unconditionally. Or so he’d thought. The words, they didn’t initially register but when they did, he felt a sense of betrayal wash over him. Unable to believe his ears at first, he paused for a second before finally he spoke lowly. “ya did what now?”

Cristina remembered everything from the night that Joe had punched Rafael. Everything from him walking through her front door to them coming home from dinner after speaking with her mom. But now this felt different. It felt harder. She kissed his cheek gently before letting him go. Without a word, she fetched two glasses and a nearly full bottle of whiskey. And a pack of cigarettes she thought she’d eventually toss one day.

“Sit,” she said softly, gesturing to the couch. “You’re not going to keep this from me, Joe.”

joe flopped onto the couch, but nothing about the move felt RELAXING. his whole body was tense and he could barely keep his eyes on one thing. as his gaze trailed the room, he reached for the cigarettes absently. horrible habit to pick back up, now of all days. but he needed SOMETHING to take his edge off.

years of reading every change in feature on the face of someone she could look at for many more tells her his reassurance isn’t confident. she likes to think that she knows him, only second to the people who had been around since his birth. almost as well as she knows herself which is what makes the acceptance of his short statement that much harder. she can’t expect confidence from him when she lacks it as well. sure, it was nice to imagine the two of them in some city where no one knew of her past, children with his contagious grin and her wild spirit running around a home free of threat and worry. yet a single glance around their dim surroundings bring her back to what they truly have. somewhat saddened hues follow his movements to her bed and she follows, back sinking into the space next to him as she looks up at the stucco ceiling. “neither do i. i hate that we have to do this same shit every time. but what other choice do we have? selena and soli made it real clear that i can’t be slipping up. i’m moving too much now.” breath is taken in and a hand runs over her face for a moment before returning to its spot on her stomach. she wasn’t anticipating on telling him of the business she was chosen to do as of this morning had he been leaving for school beforehand. her absence would be noticed, though and keeping it from him would only eat away at her. “they want me to fly out to culiacan next month with them.. see how the bigger deals go down. i don’t want to, but i can’t really say no either. it just- it might get messy and i didn’t wanna pop it up on you right before i left.”

As soon as his arms were around her, everything felt alright in the world again. Cristina took a moment to simply close her eyes and hold him, that feeling that she missed so dearly when he was gone. Gently, she reached a hand up and stroked his hair, closing the door with her free grasp. “I asked you what we were going to do,” she reminded him softly. “We. You and me. You don’t get to leave me out of this.”

“ the timing .. it was just the timing , reed . i had hurt uriah and santi and .. i was just being horrible and the next thing i know that happens .. it just kind of seemed like it was meant to happen and that i deserved it , so i didn’t fight back , ” he looked sad , he was relieved to have these two with him here to be sure he was going to be okay as he decided to keep acting as if his feelings weren’t that significant . maybe they weren’t , after all .

it wasn’t okay though . he’d allowed people to beat him up because he felt shitty about himself .. even though he knew he should’ve defended himself . val had been he trained in self defense and yet he had allowed this to happen to himself and now he was scared people were going to hate him for it . what if things ended worse ? what if .. he didn’t want to think about it so much . “ that one , ” he mumbled , pointing to the still open door .

he sort of hated himself for how much he was relaying on james and reed right now , but he felt unstable and if they weren’t keeping him up right now .. he’d probably be laying on the floor . “ just ., some guys - i don’t know them , but they hated me for some reason and called me names as i was on the ground and they just - they took my phone and wallet too - ” he was tired and he felt himelf grab onto his boyfriend and friend a bit tighter now the adrenaline was beginning to wear out and he was so close to crying . “ - i didn’t do anything to them .. ”

the words hurt reed, and he honestly didn’t feel like it would have been any worse had HE have been the one getting hit. val-- HIS val-- his LOVE, thought he... deserved it? because he’d had a BAD day? he didn’t want to think about what COULD have happened. he didn’t know what got the men to stop, but... what if they’d have killed him? what if val didn’t fight back, so they just... ended him? right there, away from reed where he couldn’t even PROTECT him. he SHOULD have been there to protect him, but no-- he couldn’t keep the damn BOTTLE away from his lips. he’d failed val, he’d failed roman, he’d failed himself.

he helped james lead the other into his room, listening as the story seemed to get worse and worse... they called him... names? “baby-- what kind of names?” he brushed a hand through his man’s curls and tried to make eye contact, ignoring the tears that pricked at his own eyes in fear. he KNEW what had happened, deep down. but how could they... how did they KNOW? all the way at arthur’s house, when he was by himself? how could they tell?

why was reed here ? shouldn’t he be in rehab ? and now he had to seem him like this .. val was already upset and worn out , but now he was really trying to fight his tears back .

val felt dizzy and as if he could fall any moment , so he fully let his boyfriend and james support him . all he knew was that if he heard reed yell , he’d be there in a heartbeat .

“ don’t say sorry .. you shouldn’t be here , babe .. you - why are you .. ” it was hard to speak full sentences , but he knew what he was trying to say . “ you shouldn’t be here right now - ” it wasn’t that he hadn’t missed him . of course val any opportunity he got to visit reed , but it was different . still , it didn’t matter because he was taking care of himself - but now he was here . away from rehab , away from the people specialized in helping him so what happened in the past wouldn’t happen again . when reed asked what happened , he just sighed .

whether he was going to answer his question didn’t matter , because james’ sentence followed right before he could say something and he just frowned at him . “ if roman was there i would have fought back , ” he answered . confirming that he hadn’t just now .

it just was the timing . he was sure that there was some reason behind it .. he was alone and people had taken advantage of him , he’d pleaded and shamefully cried at them to leave him alone but they just didn’t care and .. he didn’t fight back . he’d hurt the people he cared about , it was karma and he had it coming after everything - so he just let it happen .

val knew he should be grateful people had called 911 on time .

“...you didn’t fight back?” reed caught on to what val had said almost immediately and he pulled him even closer than he thought was possible, while still being gentle since he didn’t know the extent of his injuries. WHY would val do something like that? what would possess him to-- not fight back? what would possess him to allow something like this? “why? why didn’t you protect yourself?”

james could feel his blood go cold at the sentence. so... the conversation with the group chat had REALLY made val hate himself, huh? undeservedly, of course, because every single one of them had said regrettable things, especially recently. “your kid still needs you around. you should have fought back.” he hissed before grabbing him gently by the elbow and leading him back toward the rooms. “which one is yours?”